03 December 2010

how we are today

Just another short hello--
I lose track of days, day of the week, day of the month- day and night I still have pretty well sorted, but now these short days, well, that could change.

Sleep happens in little pieces
but joy happens almost every moment, except the screaming, those moments/minutes/hours suck ass. But there is such calmness in this so much of the time. Sleeping baby, warm and heavy, laying across my body. Or tucked in to nurse. Or a smile (yes! already!) that is nearly heartbreaking and certainly breathtaking.

Belly issues are being dealt with with mylicon, or colic calm depending on how bad it is. If she can still nurse, I do mylicon. If she is too distraught to nurse, then colic calm (which I think has baby crack in it-- she loves it a little too much). We rock and jiggle, walk and sway and bounce.

My tenderness remains, and for all I know may always.
this kind of rawness, well, the only thing like it is acute grief, but this isn't that. It is not that soul sucking. But it is that surprising in the intensity.

Della is beautiful, Doug is magnificent, and me? I wish there was some way to just be home with her. Work looms, but in these moments, being here with her is all I need to do.

There is so much I want to write, and so little time to do so. I hope I can remember.
I hope I hope I hope.


9 comments:

It is what it is said...

Oh, write, write, write when you can. These hours/days/weeks/months are so fleeting as, sadly, are our memories...

Drink her up.

Aisha said...

Buy 2 Moleskine off Amazon and some nice pens. Put one in your bag so you can write in it wherever you can go- put the other in your house, where you sit and nurse her- and when you have a second, write. write. write. Those moments are fleeting and on a warm night years from now you will look back at the snippets and snatches you managed to jot down and feel the rush of memories as real as if they just occurred- but only if you write them down.

tireegal68 said...

I have the same worries about not remembering. And have barely written about Isobel. The only thing I can do is I phone while breast feeding and I can comment with one thumb but not post. Sorry I digress! Glad you have found sthg for the colic and have lots of quiet blissful moments. When do you have to go back to work? I'm sorry:( being at home with baby is the best isn't it? Xo

Circus Princess said...

Smiling from ear to ear. Enjoy every little second of it :)

sprogblogger said...

Agree with 'write it down'. I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, and I'm already looking back on my notes & going - oh yeah, remember when he used to grunt every swallow when he was nursing? That one might have been lost forever in the rush of all the new stuff he's doing.

So happy for your happiness.

Esperanza said...

Enjoy these days (I know I don't need to say that, but I as I just went back to work, I feel like I do). Actually, my suggestion would be don't think too much about work. It's going to have to happen and thinking about it just makes it worse. I heard the anticipation is worse than the real thing, and I felt that was true. Not that all days this week were easy for me, but it wasn't as horrible as I at first thought. Plus, right now you cannot know how you will feel when the time comes. Not that I'm saying you'll be happy to go back or anything, but there will be subtle differences in how you feel about it. I guess my point is, try not to let thoughts of it taint the wonderful moments you have with her now. It's just not worth it.

Esperanza @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com

What IF? said...

Being in the moment now is so precious. Treasure the uninterrupted time you have with her now. Everything else will take care of itself, including your feelings about returning to work. It'll be hard to be away from her, but I found it was also a nice reprieve and balance to have some productive "me-time" away. Thinking of you.

Michele said...

My MIL gave me a thing that says to basically put everything else out of your mind because it can all wait but babies grow up and we cant take today back tomorrow. It will wait... you will remember... :) Be with Della for this beautiful today.

Emily Erin said...

There's a good poem about this (stolen from the internet after a search 'cause heavens knows where I found it first):

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

It doesn't address returning to work, but the idea that babies don't keep is SO.VERY.TRUE.

Please take time and enjoy it- as the saying goes, worrying doesn't rob tomorrow of it's sorry, but only saps today of it's strength...

It will be well. Wishing you the very best.