gratitude

THANK YOU
thank you thank you thank you for your warm wishes, your prayers and your hopes-- the little one is doing better and was held today for the first time by her parents-- I cannot imagine how they felt waiting those long 5 days to have that moment, and am just so grateful to the universe that it was possible. It was a milestone in every way.

Some of you asked what went wrong and while I would love to answer- I do not entirely know and have intuited somewhat belatedly that I should respect the privacy of my cousin with what I do know. So, you are all wonderful and thank you. What a shitty few days. I know there are hard days ahead, at least 2 more weeks in the hospital, but improvement in her means improvement in the spirit of all of us. And many of us gathered today to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday.

I am off to california tomorrow for the week-- Phoebe-- I would love to see you and will write to see if we can figure something out. I'll be with my dad for just a day and a half, so I am not sure it will work out. I tend to stick close to him when I get the chance to be there since it is rare and always too short.

Me? infrequent but definite twinges and fingertip pressure that make me hopeful, but the stats that make me feel stupid for feeling hopeful, you know, the usual. One moment at a time. I will not pee on any sticks while I am gone, and when I get back it will be the night of 14dpo. I will be temping. We'll see.

Thank you all-- your support means the world. I've been so tangled up in that, some shitty work stuff, and travel, I have been remiss in keeping in touch with all of you and I am sorry.
I hope to do better but no matter what, I'll keep you posted on the little one.

prayers

Hey loves,
a beloved relative of mine gave birth day before yesterday to a beautiful baby girl- but there was significant birth trauma and the ramifications are unclear and the baby is in NICU and will be for the foreseeable future. If you can spare a prayer for these cousins of mine, I would appreciate it.

babble

Today as I drove to work, I drove out of snow covered trees into autumn colors and bare ground within a few miles. It was so odd-- a rewind to fall.

And I drove home in the dark tonight- I stayed late at work against the things I know (I know better, should have been home, was done and tired and done in). These days the sun sets so early... It was no longer twilight, it was nighttime at 7:30.
As I crossed over the mountain, the sky cleared of the blanket of low clouds, and stars came out-- which feels magical always. Moonless nights like this one, when the clouds clear away, I imagine standing outside seeking the tease of the seven sisters in the eastern sky, only visible when I look off to one side. The cluster of stars disappear when I look right at it. I do not care that I know the physiological/foveal *why*, it always fills me with wonder anyway, and I love to feel my eyes fight my knowledge: do not look if you want to see. Cross purposes of instinct and wisdom borne from experience.

My temperature on its way up today, so I ovulated, which is grand. So now we will just need to wait and see.

Diversion? Plentiful. A very busy work week, busy evenings (acupuncture, writing, yoga), a busy weekend (haircut, visit with a friend, trip to my sister's, my grandma's 90th birthday party), and then a trip next monday to southern california- for a several days at a tradeshow with my boss-- so, alas, no time to play otherwise I would try to see you (Joannah) who are near by. Then home via colorado to see my dad for the weekend. So, really? this week will go by quickly, and next week will too. And then I will be back and see how this turns out and what happens next.

How do I feel? Realistic I guess, not doomed which is good, aware of the outside chance. I miss optimism. I look forward to being surprised by something very very good, or moving on to a SUCCESSFUL medicated cycle.

phantom limbs

There is an odd moroseness to this flu, a despondency. A heavy weight across the shoulders, a thickness to the throat, an ache in the lungs.

Back in the days when colitis was something I experienced almost daily, I had fatigued thigh muscles much of the time, a side effect of the prolonged pain and intensity of the attacks and effort and time on the toilet. This had a weird translation- I found I feared exercise. If, when exercising, I would feel fatigue in my thigh muscles, I would panic as if a colitis attack was imminent, and would back away from the effort as quickly as I could.
I had associated the two unconsciously, and tied together two very different things through the specific sensation of fatigue of This muscle and That one.

This experience is a little like that: the heaviness, the weight, the ache, all feel like grief to me. It does not matter if my brain says Flu or says Virus, the sensations speak to my body of grief, and then I find I am responding to that, I cannot help it- a second layer, grief management, like a phantom limb.

I finally have a clear positive OPK after a fake out a few days back. It is day 11, so for me, this makes sense. My body is on its schedule, no one else's. And there is such sincere comfort in that.

There is much happiness in the internet-- Traci and her fabulous positive that makes me so joy-filled I think I may bust open like a pinata. K with her 2 or 3 miracles on board.
And I see those two lines on the fucking OPK, and hope that sometime soon, those two lines will mean something different, something wondrous, and that I will be able to push through my fear of losing and allow myself to have. And hope that having will last a whole lot longer than a few short months.

I worry I will not get pregnant again, and if I do, it will not last. I asked my clinic if I get so lucky if they will keep me longer, keep me through the point of my loss, let me learn with them if something goes wrong, not with a doctor I do not know, and a wand person who seems alien and hostile. They said yes. And there is relief in that. But there is also this sadness, this heaviness, this feeling like what if it never happens again.


I sit here on the sofa, the cat on my feet, snow swirling in the back clearing-- heavy one minute with rain that sends it down fast and splattering, then a moment of drier smaller flakes that fall straight down, or then caught up in a swirling wind that rustles the dried leaves on the little deck, or the snow rests a moment, the air clears of it, and then it begins to fall again. It changes every moment, is not accumulating, the earth is taking it in as rain.

I am so grateful for the evergreens, the hemlocks, if my woods were bare, barren, I would be sadder than I can express. I love the closeness of the trees, the way they stand against the sky, the deep green and near black of the shadows, the way the last yellow leaves lie on their branches, having fallen but not quite yet made their way to the ground.

Snow!

Beautiful snow is falling
the hemlocks are frosted with white, as is every horizontal surface, each divot in the bark on the trees, each upturned leaf, the knotted rope of the hammock... it is lovely.
The flakes fall and swirl--most are small, some the size of fingertips, the back clearing looks like a snow globe.

I am flu-y and home today. Feel like crapola. BUT I get to see the woods like this, and that is truly magical.

diversion

Aww, my thanks to Jem of Ambivalent Womb for this award! I don't feel very over the top but will gladly take on the challenge to become so.

The Rules which I shall thwart forthwith:

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (HA!)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? by the bed (see? thwarting the rules from the first one!)
2. Your hair? Wild
3. Your mother? lovely, wonderful, loving, pragmatic, wherever she is is the place I will go after the apocalypse. Oh, and sweet smelling.
4. Your father? pink, smart as hell, so much like me in so many ways it freaks us both out when we are different, talented, thoughtful and heroic in a million ways that he cannot truly see
5. Your favorite food? cookies, specifically? snickerdoodles.
6. Your dream last night? fucked up
7. Your favorite drink? hot tea
8. Your dream/goal? to be calm most days, to spend time outside, to take time to be up to my ears in creative pursuits, to be intellectually challenged and to somehow combine things I do well with things I am discovering in a way that feels solid. Oh, and how cool would it be to not be panicked about money?
9. What room are you in? The orange room
10. Your hobby? fretting
11. Your fear? failure, death, loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? oh crap. somewhere with my kid, somewhere where I do not feel like this, somewhere happy and solid and safe and beautiful
13. Where were you last night? writing and chatting with my dear friend tammy, then having hell dreams during hell sleep (I LOVE YOU FLU!)
14. Something that you aren’t? carefree
15. Muffins? yes please
16. Wish list item? muffins, now that you mention it.
17. Where did you grow up? well, it is still happening. The north east, if that can include a motherlong 9 year stint in Rochester NY. I spent 1 year in seattle.
18. Last thing you did? typed a period.
19. What are you wearing? stripey pants, wool socks, a soft hoody and a grim expression
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? 1 crazed cat, finnegan.
22. Friends? beloved, most are far away, many are related to me. how lucky am I?
23. Your life? good except when it sucks rocks
24. Your mood? snotty achy heavy
25. Missing someone? Michael gosh darn it. A best friend who is far away in every sense.
26. Vehicle? Scion Xa. Obsolete but adored.
27. Something you’re not wearing? cowboy boots
28. Your favorite store? anything that has books in it. preferably in english.
29. Your favorite color? periwinkle blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? last night
31. Last time you cried? about an hour ago
32. Your best friend(s)? are more than I deserve
33. One place that I go to over and over? to the dark places, regret
34. One person who emails me regularly? my momma
35. Favorite place to eat? bowl

I nominate the following blogs for this award:

now.... this is where things get tricky. Whose blogs do I feel are over the top? not many. so the criteria will need to be different than that--
let's say--here are some folks whose voices I enjoy, who do not post a lot-- maybe this will entice them--
bb want to come out and play?
one pink line!
elle at babybunts, unless, you know, she is giving birth
amy and melissa!
just me, dawn
Jenn (the only one here who has some serious moments of delicious over-the-topness)


snotty flu-y achy kate? going back to bed.

clarity

Today my friend David mentioned he hoped I was still finding occasional 10 seconds of beauty- I am, I do. Sometimes life feels so big and full of crapshitdamnitall that it is hard to see it, but it is there. Tonight as I left work, a tree with orange leaves across the street looked as if it was lighted from inside. And I walked to my car through some crunchy leaves, slowly, crunch crunch crunch, delightful. Pale sky with deep dark clouds piled up along the western edge. I love it when the air is this clear. Frost tonight for sure, it is cold enough to make me wish for mittens.

I got a call from the doctor today, Dr. P, a colleague of my doctor who is out of town at the moment. Dr. P is a straight talker, and she and I talked for quite a bit which was nice and surprising.

The bottom line: the issue with having sex or not this month (sorry dad) is/was about the cyst-- if I was going to do a downregulated Lupron cycle next month (I'm not) then I would start Lupron day 21 and they do not want the possibility of pregnancy since pregnancy + Lupron is not a good thing. So since I had no such plans (no Lupron down regulation), I can have all the sex I want. Why no IUI? Since we do not have male factor at all, she said there is no real increase in % chance of success with IUI over well timed intercourse so she did not think it was worthwhile in the absence of stim drugs. I do see her point. 5% is, well, 5%.

And so, we have the all clear to try on our own.

And she said my decision to not do a Lupron down regulated protocol next is sound even though it would decrease the chance of a repeat cyst -- since the protocol is not that great for low responders with diminished ovarian reserve usually, so she was fine with that. I will think about it or aspiration if the cyst persists into next cycle.

Otherwise? Happy to just be not injecting, and not living appointment to appointment with follicle counts and sizes and E2orama. Just me, DHEA, a virus I am battling that is making me feel crappy and the usual vitamins.

It was hard to hear her use the phrase "diminished ovarian reserve" over and over and over again.

I asked if I could be doing anything else- how about estrogen? (no, my lining has been fine), she strongly suggested acupuncture which I am already doing, said my DHEA is not crazy even though she is not convinced it is helpful, she was not alarmed.... So

now? get over the virus thingy, and yes, start peeing on sticks because YOU KNOW I LOVE THEM. And hope that I feel a whole lot better before that thing gets positive. Because right now? The only thing I could get excited about is a big fat positive for Traci, a call for Sprogblogger about her donor, a bowl of chicken soup, oh, and a sofa.

Off to work on my writing project then hang for a bit with my love Tammy. About damn time.