14 October 2009

clarity

Today my friend David mentioned he hoped I was still finding occasional 10 seconds of beauty- I am, I do. Sometimes life feels so big and full of crapshitdamnitall that it is hard to see it, but it is there. Tonight as I left work, a tree with orange leaves across the street looked as if it was lighted from inside. And I walked to my car through some crunchy leaves, slowly, crunch crunch crunch, delightful. Pale sky with deep dark clouds piled up along the western edge. I love it when the air is this clear. Frost tonight for sure, it is cold enough to make me wish for mittens.

I got a call from the doctor today, Dr. P, a colleague of my doctor who is out of town at the moment. Dr. P is a straight talker, and she and I talked for quite a bit which was nice and surprising.

The bottom line: the issue with having sex or not this month (sorry dad) is/was about the cyst-- if I was going to do a downregulated Lupron cycle next month (I'm not) then I would start Lupron day 21 and they do not want the possibility of pregnancy since pregnancy + Lupron is not a good thing. So since I had no such plans (no Lupron down regulation), I can have all the sex I want. Why no IUI? Since we do not have male factor at all, she said there is no real increase in % chance of success with IUI over well timed intercourse so she did not think it was worthwhile in the absence of stim drugs. I do see her point. 5% is, well, 5%.

And so, we have the all clear to try on our own.

And she said my decision to not do a Lupron down regulated protocol next is sound even though it would decrease the chance of a repeat cyst -- since the protocol is not that great for low responders with diminished ovarian reserve usually, so she was fine with that. I will think about it or aspiration if the cyst persists into next cycle.
Otherwise? Happy to just be not injecting, and not living appointment to appointment with follicle counts and sizes and E2orama. Just me, DHEA, a virus I am battling that is making me feel crappy and the usual vitamins.

It was hard to hear her use the phrase "diminished ovarian reserve" over and over and over again.
I asked if I could be doing anything else- how about estrogen? (no, my lining has been fine), she strongly suggested acupuncture which I am already doing, said my DHEA is not crazy even though she is not convinced it is helpful, she was not alarmed.... So

now? get over the virus thingy, and yes, start peeing on sticks because YOU KNOW I LOVE THEM. And hope that I feel a whole lot better before that thing gets positive. Because right now? The only thing I could get excited about is a big fat positive for Traci, a call for Sprogblogger about her donor, a bowl of chicken soup, oh, and a sofa.

Off to work on my writing project then hang for a bit with my love Tammy. About damn time.


12 comments:

meinsideout said...

Does your dad read your blog - that is pretty cool!

Go away, virus thingy.

IVF 40+ said...

Uh virus thing. Make sure it's not sinus - think they effect making the best of nookie time.

Lovely writing by the way. I could see, hear, smell the day with you.
EB

irrationalexuberance said...

Once again, your writing has helped me pause and enjoy beauty. Thank you. Now banish the virus and enjoy this no-shot time.

Kate said...

I love how you can find such joy in little things, and that you're able to describe why things are beautiful so clearly.
I sure hope you're the freak who gets pg on a break cycle!

Sprogblogger said...

Hoping that the damned cyst goes away on its own, and very pleased that you've got the all-clear. There's something very creepy about doing this and having to refrain from sex. Despite so much evidence to the contrary, I still can't get it through my thick skull that making love does not equal making babies.

So here's hoping that this month brings you lots of love and, well, a baby.

Because that would be one fantastic month. Babies for everyone, sweetie. I'm still convinced we're going to be setting up playdates for our sprogs in another 2 years, so hang in there. This is going to work for both of us. I'm quite sure of it.

Maredsous said...

Hoping the best of luck with the natural method. It certainly is more fun.

Mad Hatter said...

Yay for moving forward and enjoying being with your love...And re: DHEA - there is a crazy amazing study out of Toronto that will blow that doctor's mind! My doctor gave me some stats, but I can't publicize them 'til it's published! E-mail me and I'll send you the abridged version! Sending you lots of good vibes for this cycle!
Love,
Maddy

Michele said...

yay for being able to try on your own! sending lots of hope (and hope you have a blast, too!!!)

Jem said...

Hi, I left you an award on my blog!

Nic said...

Yay, lots of peeing on sticks and as much sex as you would like!! Glad that you wont be on a complete break

Barefoot said...

Sorry about the virus, and for the general down-feeling. Hopefully some "well-timed intercourse" (was there ever a more unsexy way to describe sex?) will be a happy distraction.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Thanks for the shout out sweetie. We'll know in a couple of hours. I love that you get to just try and have fun on your own. I want the magic of that for you and your Darlin'. I'm sorry you are feeling ill. I hope you are enjoying lots of soup, coz that's the shizz when you are in fluland!