03 October 2009

just no.

a pee stick late last night had a big glaringly unambiguous white space where that second line should be
would be
could have been

and today's beta confirmed: no.

My heart is aching badly this time maybe more than others because this time, this time we did everything right, everything worked the way it was supposed to, there were eggs and embryos, everything was where it was supposed to be.
But it still did not work.

I cried hard last night as I felt most of hope go. And today I missed the call, it came so fast I was not home yet. And feeling that last bit of hope go as I listened to the message, the last bit of hope that maybe the number was just really low... yeah, well, fantastical and wondrous and totally untrue.
I hate knowing this is me, directly-- like maybe our one brief pregnancy was a fluke and my body does not really want this, or indirectly-- I am just too old, my eggs are mainly shit. and maybe for every 100 I make, 5 will be good. And I/we just don't have enough time or money to find them.

I am not ready to give up on this yet but it is feeling increasingly crazy. My clinic "wants to talk to me" which makes my stomach knot. My life (work) right now cannot handle the complexification of IVF at another (faraway) clinic. At least two visits, one quite long, the added expense of travel, the time away from work. But if these folks say no, I will call chicago. I will handle the complexity and work impact and money since I am not ready to give up yet. My heart is not ready.

Yeah, I hate this to the core of my being. I am mourning those 5 beautiful little lights, those little magical beginnings and wish I had somehow been able to make magic happen with them.

Guess I am not over the tears yet.



K said...

Awwwwww shit! Fuck. Gawd. I am so angry and hurt and sorry for you. I know it doesn't help any. I SOOOO believed this one would work for you. I am so sorry. Please rest. Please take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you. Love, K.

Mad Hatter said...

I'm so so sorry, Kate.

Why does this all have to be so fucking hard?

I have tears for you, and I have hope for you.

Wishing you peace for right now, for this very hard moment, and that your little lights find their way back home.


What IF? said...

Dear amazing, brave, sadkate. The devastation is unimaginable. I'm sitting with you in this moment. No words. Just breathing with you.

Phoebe said...

Sending you a big, warm, fuzzy hug. Just sit with the grieving right now. I know having a plan helps, but just give it a little bit of space. This sucks like no other thing can suck. It's so hard to let it go, the attachment to our eggs. Love and hugs.

Billy said...

I am so sorry. This hell of a journey trying to become a parent really sucks.

Illanare said...

I wish I had adequate words to express how sorry I am to read this news.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am so so sorry Kate.

Kate said...

So sorry. I wouldn't be able to give up either, nor would I be over the pain of another "failure" so quickly. I hope they have something useful to say at your clinic when you go for the WTF.

IF Optimist, then... said...

My heart is broken too. I'm so very very sorry. Sending you a big hug and cup of tea.

rcfabb said...

Sorry kate, that completely sucks. :(

irrationalexuberance said...

Oh Kate -- I'm so sorry. Take the time you need and know that there are loads of us here to support you in your grief and in whatever next steps you choose.

onwardandsideways said...

I'm so sorry, my dear.

It took me a long, long time to give up on my own eggs, so I understand why you would not want to.

You follow your own path, and you won't go wrong.

Wishing you something to take away some of the hurt, whatever that may be.

IVF 40+ said...

So sorry Kate. So Sorry. I agree with onwards- follow your own path.

just me, dawn said...

oh kate, i am so very sorry. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry - my heart is breaking for you. ((HUGS))

Mo and Will said...

Oh, Kate. I am so sorry. Why couldn't this be easier? You're someone I root especially for. It feels like you've more than earned getting a positive out of your cycle. Take time to grieve and regroup. People keep telling me the next step will become clear. I hope that is true for both of us.


Kate said...

sigh. there are no words Kate. There are no words. It's just so fucking unfair and my heart breaks reading your post. It's so unfair. It's JUST SO UNFAIR. (Hugs) I'm here for you, listening and you continue to remain in my thoughts during this difficult time. If I can do anything please let me know.

Jenn said...

Sweet Kate,

I am holding you gently and quietly while you grieve....wishing that there were some words I could say to take the pain away.

My heart is aching for you and I cried upon reading this post - wanted those five little ones to make it so badly for you!!!

I am here for you my dear friend - be gentle with yourself!

Love, prayers and hugs

Joannah said...

Oh, Kate. I wish I had something useful and comforting to say, but I don't. I have been there though. Forced to let the dream of those four little embryos in me dissipate with the reality of the beta results. It's heartbreaking. If I weren't so busy fighting for my husband's life right now, I'm sure it would weigh even heavier on my heart than it does.

Do what you need to do to grieve. You're not alone.


Michelle said...

I too am sorry it didn't work this time for you. Don't give up on that hope... it's what keeps us going.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie. That sucks. Really, truly sucks. I am so sorry to hear. Dammit damn damn. So sorry.

nonlineargirl said...

I am so sorry. I know from experience what that feels like. I hope it eases for you soon.

Sarah said...

My Dear Kate, This is Sprogblogger's mom, Sarah. I read your blogg each day and was hoping to be rejoicing along with you today. Instead I am crying with you
and grieving with you. My heart aches for you tonight, Dear Kate.
Please hold fast to that hope and know you will continue to be in my prayers. Love and Peace, Sarah

musicmakermomma said...

Oh kate, I'm so sorry you are in this place again. My heart goes out to you - take care.

MabelB said...

Oh no. I am so very sorry. Thinking of you.

Michele said...

Oh Kate... I just dont have words to tell you how sad I am with you. I am sitting here, mouth open, heart broken. I had hoped to log in and see your happiness and, instead, to see your broken heart makes me want to shout at the universe "WHY???"

Grieving with you... ~sadmichele

Grade A said...

Dearest Kate,

Add my tears to the collection bowl. I had such a good feeling about this one ( you probably did too). I don't have any words to offer, just love and hope and healing.


Pundelina said...

Oh no! SweetKate, SadKate, I'm so incredibly sorry to read this post, I didn't want to read this news. I wanted so badly for at least one of your twinkles to make it.


So sad for you.

Sprogblogger said...

Oh, I'm so very sorry, Kate. Sorry this all has to be so hard, so painful, so horrible. Thinking of you.

Barefoot said...

No words, except that I am so so sorry.

karen alonge said...

oh sweetie ... my heart aches for you. sending love. xo

B. said...

Oh, Kate. I am so sorry. I wish our collective hopes for you could influence the situation. The best I can do is let you know I'm thinking about you and wishing hard for your happiness. Be good to yourself.


Doug said...

As I sit next to you, I know that we will be successful in our quest to raise a child. Please know that I love you and I am here with you.

Eileen said...

Oh no!!! I am so very sorry that this cycle did not work. Please know that you are in my prayers at this difficult time. *BIG HUGS*

Tammy said...


My heart breaks for you both. I love you.


Anonymous said...

What is in Chcago ?

Nic said...

Shit, fuck, shit. I am so sorry Kate. I have just got back from holiday and have come to your blog to catch up. I am so sorry, I was hoping for this to work for you. I wish I could do something or say something to ease your pain.
Thinking of you
Nic x