09 October 2009

where I am now

so "plan" is a four letter word
so is cyst
so is fuck
but, you know, so is hope

we are now on to plan somethingorother
the blood work indicated that it is an active cyst (E2 not suppressed) so we cannot start the lupron microdose protocol as hoped/planned. So the lupron will be donated (it is only good for one month).
We will wait until monday, hope that the cyst magically resolves, do nothing until then but hum and rock, and have an early morning ultrasound and blood draw.... then....
if it is resolving, we'll do a quick ganirelix cycle (um, yay?)
if not, we'll do an unmedicated cycle, wait for an LH surge (yay OPK pee sticks, oh how I love thee!) and do an IUI (hopefully before I travel, otherwise, um, not).

Let me say this: I am feeling VERY good about how much these folks are doing to try to come up with active alternatives for us to use this cycle. I appreciate it and feel they are really pulling for me.
Also, I have 15 resting follicles -- which thrills me.
Worst case? We'll use just one.

How am I?
Um. Not sure. I have been twostepping with blueness this week.
I don't know, DHEA makes me blue. I know this to be true now, and just need to ride it out.
I need to remember that I can do things- I can hike, I can paint, I can MOVE.
Getting stuck, feeling stuck in a mood, well, the best thing for me to do usually is to move. Literally.
Unstick myself.
So I remembered I can do something about that, and I hiked yesterday, the big long hike, and got back down to the bottom of the hill, and asked myself if I had remembered one moment of the hike, if I had been truly present for even one moment, if I had gotten out of my head for even one moment, and the answer to each question was a clear No. So, I laughed at myself and turned around and went back up and did it again, every few minutes asking myself "where am I now?". And while I may not have been present for long each time, I get points for effort. And as a bonus, I realized I am in better shape than I thought since I did not expire.

the hike? beautiful. The trail is almost completely covered in leaves now. The leaves are a riot of color, and since it was a weekday, I had the woods to myself except for my hero, a woman who hikes it every day and who may be 10 years older than I am and has the legs of a 14 year old soccer player. The blueberry bushes are turning crimson, and they crawl over gray granite covered in silvery lichen. Looking down, the colors are just as magnificent as looking up. The woods open as the leaves fall, and suddenly I can see into and through-- I noticed the only birds I heard were crows, and I saw one big fuzzy greenyellow caterpillar undulating its way up the path.


Sprogblogger said...

You are taking this much better than I would.
I love that you took a do-over on your hike. You rock. You are like the mindful and thoughtful person I wish I were.
God, I hope this cycle is yours. Your perfect one. Your best one.
Pulling for you like crazy.

Phoebe said...

Yeah, hope is a 4-letter word.

Love this post. IF makes it really hard to be in the present. At the same time, it offers you opportunities to be present, because sometimes, that is all you can do.

Nothing like being in nature to heal a broken heart.

Anonymous said...

I love that you made yourself do the walk again. It resinated with me personally as I'm constantly having to remind my brain to not be 10 steps ahead of me.
I hope this cycle works out one way or another for you. Like you said, you have a few options depending on where the ball lands so to speak.

Anonymous said...

Gah. Your serenity is really inspiring - ((HUGS))

irrationalexuberance said...

Another beautiful and inspirational post. Thank you for reminding me to be here, now instead of being in my head trying to predict things I cannot know. And wishing bon voyage to that annoying-as-hell cyst as well so that you get back to one of the plans.

IVF 40+ said...

wow 15! congratulations women. congratulations! sorry to hear about the cyst. Hope it all gets resolved super quick.
another chance to dance with fireflies is coming your way.

Jenn said...

Sweet Kate,

You never cease to amaze me in your constant striving for serenity.

In the midst of this crappy IF journey you always seem to manage to find at least one thing to move toward - to be present in - to hold on to.

I gain an extra bit of peace and serenity every time I read your posts. I feel like I am there with you, hiking that trail.
Thank you for helping me to be present for this moment!

I am so very glad this medical crew is TRULY working with you.

I am putting out some extra prayer, love and hope for you hon!


Billy said...

Good for you for doing the hike again! And it does sound like a really lovely trail :-).

Sorry about the cyst, that sucks. Great that you have alternatives. Hoping for you!

Michele said...

Kate, your strength are so heartening. I know this cyst is just such shitty news, but you are handling it with such grace. It sucks so much. We will hope for resolution!

You inspired me with your hike-back-up attitude. I wish I was that way.