where I am now

so "plan" is a four letter word
so is cyst
so is fuck
but, you know, so is hope

we are now on to plan somethingorother
the blood work indicated that it is an active cyst (E2 not suppressed) so we cannot start the lupron microdose protocol as hoped/planned. So the lupron will be donated (it is only good for one month).
We will wait until monday, hope that the cyst magically resolves, do nothing until then but hum and rock, and have an early morning ultrasound and blood draw.... then....
if it is resolving, we'll do a quick ganirelix cycle (um, yay?)
if not, we'll do an unmedicated cycle, wait for an LH surge (yay OPK pee sticks, oh how I love thee!) and do an IUI (hopefully before I travel, otherwise, um, not).

Let me say this: I am feeling VERY good about how much these folks are doing to try to come up with active alternatives for us to use this cycle. I appreciate it and feel they are really pulling for me.
Also, I have 15 resting follicles -- which thrills me.
Worst case? We'll use just one.

How am I?
Um. Not sure. I have been twostepping with blueness this week.
I don't know, DHEA makes me blue. I know this to be true now, and just need to ride it out.
I need to remember that I can do things- I can hike, I can paint, I can MOVE.
Getting stuck, feeling stuck in a mood, well, the best thing for me to do usually is to move. Literally.
Unstick myself.
So I remembered I can do something about that, and I hiked yesterday, the big long hike, and got back down to the bottom of the hill, and asked myself if I had remembered one moment of the hike, if I had been truly present for even one moment, if I had gotten out of my head for even one moment, and the answer to each question was a clear No. So, I laughed at myself and turned around and went back up and did it again, every few minutes asking myself "where am I now?". And while I may not have been present for long each time, I get points for effort. And as a bonus, I realized I am in better shape than I thought since I did not expire.

the hike? beautiful. The trail is almost completely covered in leaves now. The leaves are a riot of color, and since it was a weekday, I had the woods to myself except for my hero, a woman who hikes it every day and who may be 10 years older than I am and has the legs of a 14 year old soccer player. The blueberry bushes are turning crimson, and they crawl over gray granite covered in silvery lichen. Looking down, the colors are just as magnificent as looking up. The woods open as the leaves fall, and suddenly I can see into and through-- I noticed the only birds I heard were crows, and I saw one big fuzzy greenyellow caterpillar undulating its way up the path.