04 October 2009

In Which Kate Seeks Solace in a Plan

Thank you all for your incredible outpouring of support, kindness and understanding. Your love and support matter so much, mean so much. I know it does not *fix* anything, and I know that if the power of good wishes were enough to make things happen I would be pregnant right now. I know it is not miraculous in that particular way, but it sure is balm on a bruised heart. Thank you more than I can say.

Yesterday sure sucked.
I felt like such crap, I treated myself all day as if I were a sick person. I lay on the sofa and listened to the rain, I talked to my sister over and over and she listened while I babbled and cried and just let me be my own sadkate. I made myself tea. And soup. And stayed very lumplike on the sofa. Right before my darlin' got home from work, I talked with Sharon, my nurse. And we came up with a plan.

Because I am kate, I am better when I have a plan. And now we have one. Heck, we have more than one.
Actually we have a plan A, B, C and D.
Which plan gets played out in this cycle all depends on when I get my period, the results of the baseline US, and how fast I stim if the US is clear.

The confounding issue is that they are not doing any IVF procedures until the 19th (lab closure). So I am currently staying on progesterone to delay my period as long as possible. If my period comes sooner than say midweek (it should, it is already quite overdue and feels imminent) we may not be able to do IVF this month even if we get the all clear depending on how fast I stim.

This time, if my period stays away at least until tomorrow, and if we get the all clear, we'll try a lupron flare protocol, not because my last protocol was not good (it obviously was), it is just that it was pretty darn fast. Fast would ordinarily be a very good thing. But this time? We need to go slow otherwise if I am ready before the 19th we would need to convert to IUI (which still would not be awful). This way, we hope to slow things down, and hope to make it into the week of the 19th's window for an IVF possibility.

Worst case-- there's a cyst at baseline, and we'll do a timed (LH) IUI.
All other options can range from medicated IUI to IVF depending on how things go.

A plan makes me feel like I am moving forward, and it helps me step out of the immediacy of grief by putting me into the distracting complexity of logistics.

This week I am on vacation. I hope to work on creative things: work on my writing projects and make some art. I hope to hike some and sleep some and do some yoga (will still go to my classes). I will have lunch with my mom (YAY) and maybe see some friends. Hey maybe I can finally catch up with all of you after my time away. And more than anything, I hope the week goes by very, very slowly.


Joannah said...

I love it! I'm always better off with a plan, too. My plans these days include buying a new house next year, taking our summer vacation in Italy, and transferring our embryos after our vacation. But, then again, maybe we'll transfer in December. I don't know. My plans are flexible. ;P

I hope your plans yield wonderful and joyful results.

Sprogblogger said...

A plan is the best thing in the world for a bruised heart. At least for my bruised heart, and, I suspect, for yours, too.

Here's hoping for the best results for what sound like a battery of very good plans, SweetKate. You are very much in my thoughts, and I am thrilled you have a week to do some kind things for yourself. May the week pass slowly, indeed!

bb said...

Hi Kate, Sorry to hear the news, just getting in from a whirlwind weekend.... I am so sorry. I know I can't fix it for you but just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you.

A new plan is indeed great and comforting! and vacation, which you so much deserve, I hope it is grand and quite enjoyable.

Here is to a rejuvenating week for you.

Mad Hatter said...

You are an inspiration! Have a wonderful vacation week - it sounds absolutely perfect! Sending you slow wishes!!!

Michele said...

I do better with a plan too... I can understand how that is helpful.

Take care of yourself this week. Be gentle and have a nice vacation.

Anonymous said...

A plan always has a way of making me feel better, more focused. I wish it were easier - I am sorry that you are going through so much. ((HUGS))

Billy said...

Great that you have a plan(s)!

Have a great vacation :-).

Melissa said...

Hi Kate. I've been away and am now just getting caught up with all your goings on. I'm so very sorry. I too find comfort in plans, it gives me a sense of control over what feels like an uncontrollable situation. Much love.

K said...

I am all about plans. And backup plans. And backups to the backup plans. Having a plan does amazing things for the psyche. I think plans promote peace, channel energy and focus, and give us the strength to heal ourselves. I thought about you all weekend (and admittedly worried a bit). I am glad to hear you have those plans.

Barefoot said...

Wishing you a peaceful vacation week, full of creativity. Sorry you have to stay on progesterone longer than normally necessary.

just me, dawn said...

i like plans, and vacations. Truly hope your vacation is peaceful and that the best possible plan is the one you get to implement! :)

Kate said...

You sound just like me - deal with grief over a failure by getting the new plan in place and focusing on that.
Hope AF holds off till you're ready for her!

What IF? said...

May this be the slowest week in history, filled with everything creative and uplifting.

Elizabeth said...

Hi -- thinking of you and so sad for your no. Hoping the vacation week is going slowly and giving you some pockets of peace and joy. Sending love,