Thank you all for your incredible outpouring of support, kindness and understanding. Your love and support matter so much, mean so much. I know it does not *fix* anything, and I know that if the power of good wishes were enough to make things happen I would be pregnant right now. I know it is not miraculous in that particular way, but it sure is balm on a bruised heart. Thank you more than I can say.
Yesterday sure sucked.
I felt like such crap, I treated myself all day as if I were a sick person. I lay on the sofa and listened to the rain, I talked to my sister over and over and she listened while I babbled and cried and just let me be my own sadkate. I made myself tea. And soup. And stayed very lumplike on the sofa. Right before my darlin' got home from work, I talked with Sharon, my nurse. And we came up with a plan.
Because I am kate, I am better when I have a plan. And now we have one. Heck, we have more than one.
Actually we have a plan A, B, C and D.
Which plan gets played out in this cycle all depends on when I get my period, the results of the baseline US, and how fast I stim if the US is clear.
The confounding issue is that they are not doing any IVF procedures until the 19th (lab closure). So I am currently staying on progesterone to delay my period as long as possible. If my period comes sooner than say midweek (it should, it is already quite overdue and feels imminent) we may not be able to do IVF this month even if we get the all clear depending on how fast I stim.
This time, if my period stays away at least until tomorrow, and if we get the all clear, we'll try a lupron flare protocol, not because my last protocol was not good (it obviously was), it is just that it was pretty darn fast. Fast would ordinarily be a very good thing. But this time? We need to go slow otherwise if I am ready before the 19th we would need to convert to IUI (which still would not be awful). This way, we hope to slow things down, and hope to make it into the week of the 19th's window for an IVF possibility.
Worst case-- there's a cyst at baseline, and we'll do a timed (LH) IUI.
All other options can range from medicated IUI to IVF depending on how things go.
A plan makes me feel like I am moving forward, and it helps me step out of the immediacy of grief by putting me into the distracting complexity of logistics.
This week I am on vacation. I hope to work on creative things: work on my writing projects and make some art. I hope to hike some and sleep some and do some yoga (will still go to my classes). I will have lunch with my mom (YAY) and maybe see some friends. Hey maybe I can finally catch up with all of you after my time away. And more than anything, I hope the week goes by very, very slowly.