brain yoga

In spite of the weather, I'm having a rather wonderful weekend.
I'm really enjoying the campfire workshop over on Heartwork.
If you're interested, here's a link to the opening campfire post from Friday night. Trying new things (without an obvious downside) feels really good to my brain. Like a brain yoga class.

It's not too late to check it out. And it is free. And really surprisingly fun.
As an added bonus, there's a funny video featuring a cameo of Della.
Hope you'll stop by.
(While you're there, check out the Retreats tab-- something exciting coming soon there too!!!!)

My first guest post!

I am VERY excited.
I'm just sayin'.
Please stop by Dani's blog and share the love.

http://lifeunconstrained.com/blog

Horton, tempests, teacups, pilates

And, it was two years ago today Della and I began our journey together-- a bizarre pinchy transfer in a room big enough for a party.  The table in the absolute center.  A doc I met just that day (whom I liked), a nurse I did not like at all who did not know how to do the ultrasound... and the news that of the two we had to transfer, one had "high implantation potential", and we were handed a little photo of our amazing cell clusters.

Now, looking at Della, it is like looking at a speck of dust and finding out it is a universe.

How could that possibly be this? I don't know.

Tempest in a teacup.

Della is asleep on Doug right now, one of the most beautiful things I witness.
I just stayed up late and made a shitty carrot cake, my first try with a new gluten free flour mix. Bah. Terrible. Thrown out terrible. Disappointing. King Arthur's flour mix. I thought I would be in good hands. But no.  Smelled weird, strange texture.... yeah, no.

But! Pilates today, my first introduction. Kicked my ass, made me humble, made me laugh, made me focus, made me wish I had done it sooner, made me wish I were 20 years younger. But I left feeling, somehow, that this is more important than it might seem. Symbolic? Maybe. The studio is called Equilibrium. If only.

tomorrow

Me? I am rocking and humming and praying.
I am not sleeping much
worried of course
also knowing there is not one damn thing I can do about any little bit of it.
This sucks for my control freaky self.
Must.do.something.
So I am loving your notes and congratulations THANK YOU SO MUCH! It is helping me think good thoughts.
But I have to admit, in some ways, I feel like it is not quite real, and what if something happens and my numbers suck tomorrow or...
yeah. Like I'll be exposed as a charlatan. What a crazy thing.
fun things to amuse myself at 5am.

No doc appointment until after we know the number tomorrow- then, it will either be a WTF (hope not) or an ultrasound. GULP.
Of the two, please let me have the chance to worry about the ultrasound. Please please please.

Found some reassuring stats yesterday-- ignoring my age and my previous loss of course because I have to otherwise I would roll up into a ball.
Rates of miscarriage by week- ha.:
http://www.pregnancyloss.info/info-howcommon.htm weeks 3-6 10%, weeks 6-12 5%, week 12+ 3%
I know, how could this be reassuring?
because I am now in the 10ish% range, again, I am totally ignoring my age. Which I am. And will. And for me, at this moment, 10% is really helpful.

Lalalalala
holy crap.
please please please please please

stillness

Last night was so clear, the stars so bright--- I took the long way home from dinner, the back road that takes me up and over a hill between two huge fields-- one that falls off to the west and Mount Monadnock, one that runs east toward Temple Mountain and the Wapack range. The sky is big there over those fields, and on evenings with setting sun, or rising moon, or, like last night, moonless and starfilled skies, oh! It is my favorite way home. There are trees that line the road, but looking through and past there is the wide openness of field and sky, and I always slow to a crawl or pull over, and just revel in it.

There is a waterfalll at the millpond behind the place where we ate, water races over the falls in the spring, slows as the summer progresses, and in winter, it freezes over in some sort of weird freeform statuary that looks like heaps and curls of freshly made and mounded whipped cream.
When it is thick opaque ice, like now, it is hard to imagine the herons that stand and fish at dusk when the weather is warmer, it is hard to remember the hay in those high fields, the big round bales that make my arms ache with the muscle memory of a hundred smaller bales on the hottest days of summer.

This is a time of stillness, like the moment between inhalation and exhalation. The woods are still, and it is cold enough so there is no melt today.

Our footsteps in the back clearing are still deep and run along the deer tracks and coyote we were checking out last weekend.

I am trying to hold my place of improved comfort, or at least not chase it away with fear before I have to. I am trying not to panic at gastro upset, or allow myself to get mired in the middle of the night brainbabble that this-will-not-work.

Last night I got two fortunes, identical to one another: you are tasting the sweet success of your efforts.
Gosh, I hope so.

invitation

Boston area folks-- Hi! So, whatcha doing this coming Saturday morning, say, at around 11? Are you willing to schlep to Leominster to hang out with at least two of us from this on-line community?

If you need to avoid pregnant people or babies, this would not be a good place for you as there are certain to be both in the vicinity.

Interested?

Write me for details!

icantwhistle

at

yahoo

dot

com

stunned lull

My sweetie was brave for me today and called and canceled the Dr. appointment on the 21st. I know he spoke with our nurse. I also told him I was not able to hear that she thinks we're doing the right thing, so he has not told me about their conversation which is good. Because, honestly? I am not ready to hear almost anything at all. He did ask them for a copy of our records since our pregnancy in March and she will be sending them.

To be honest, I am not even sure what we are doing. Or if we can even do whatever it is we want. Not one thing is certain. We are not in rampant information gathering mode. We are in sort of a lull. A stunned lull. A lull where you know you need to get up and get the laundry out of the drier since it keeps buzzing but you can't quite haul your sorry ass off the sofa. Like me, right now. A lull, by definition, is not action packed. It feels nearly impossible to pick up the phone and just call, just ask, just schedule. It feels impossible to add to my summary document of our journey so far the details of our cycles since the pregnancy. I read websites and wonder if my lining was ever made with 3 stripes of anything. I never saw it, they never said. And if that is some sort of entrance exam for a shared risk DE program like the one in bedford, I am not really ready to fail again like that. So we read a little, write for information, and then sit in a stunned lull.

Thank you all for the kind words and support and suggestions. I am still not ok. I feel like shit about this and just want it to be different. Giving up, moving on...yeah. I am not sure I really can. But honestly, logistically, financially, spiritually even, maybe I have to, at least a little, at least from what we've been trying or how we've been trying.

I want to get a whole lot more energized for whatever is next, a little less defeated/deflated. I am so afraid if I even call for information I will cry.

We made plans today, fiscally inappropriate plans, to go away for a few days in January to someplace warmer and potentially sandy and salty that requires an airplane ride or two. This feels good and bad. Good because gosh darn, sandy and salty and warm? that sounds Good. Bad because of the money (modest but still).

But now I have something concrete (or sandy) to look forward to in January, and something good in February (a writing workshop and meeting friends in real life one of whom I only know through here)...

And now I am heading away for a few days of work related diversion- I travel tomorrow and come back saturday late. So if it is quiet around these parts, no worries. Yes, I am retreating, but I have the cover of a work project to lend plausible deniability.

My 10 seconds today: my moo cards came. I love half of them rather passionately. They feel wonderful-- truly, tactile lusciousness. Smoooooooth. And I decided if I waited to know who I am to declare myself, I would be waiting forever. So I wrote at least some of what I know to be the truth: I'm Kate, enthusiastic intuitive wonderer.

If we all introduced ourselves by who we Are instead of what we Do.. ever wonder what's your real title? No, not the cynical one, or the self berating one, or the one that labels your thighs or your uterus. Want to leave a few words about who you are? I'd love to hear them. Please be nice and imagine you're describing a little of your highest and best. And none of us will imagine that your three words are the whole you, we'll know the truth, that they are just a window, a peek, a little diversionary voyeurism. Feel free to be anonymous. It is kind of empowering. Try more than one.

Another of mine? Olympic level laugher

Diversion

beautiful whales
intriguing Tarot (Click the images to view my most recent reading. Well now....)


experiencing the futility of peeing on a stick at 11dpo just because it is the last moment my darlin is in town for a few days (big ole stark white negative).


Babbling.
I am curious about the magnitude and obsessively circling self talk, I sound like a lunatic even to myself.
I don't know I don't know I don't know
it is too early i could still be pregnant
it was silly to pee on the stick however well intended
the cramping? probably just the colitis sneaking up on me
it is too early I could still be pregnant


But really?
it is too early.

I could still be pregnant.

I could be pregnant right this very moment.

fucking pee stick (notice my lack of culpability as if it is the pee stick's fault I have no rationality, no self control).

Ok then. So now what?
My life is about more than this. I am looking forward to a few reading days, writing days, art days... days with no TV while my darlin' is away. With luck I will write with beloved Tammy on wednesday. I am off work on thursday and friday so I have some time alone. There's a tofu pumpkin pie to make that is actually awesome and delicious (boy was I surprised!). And I have a nice weekend ahead filled with feasting down at my sister's. My mom, my grandma, my sister, her kids... 4 generations, how lucky am I??

but then I ask myself in a small voice, what if my period comes on saturday?
and I confessed to Doug that with 13% of my brain, I am starting to think about what's next. Ultrasound on monday for baseline cyst check?
can i say how much this sucks?

and my small but getting bigger evolving voice says

Ferchrissakes kate, feed the right wolf!
yeah, I say, yeah, says I, I'm trying. I just do not want to be eaten, that's all.

Lalala beluga

cusps

Hello everyone.

I'll begin with the latest great news about my baby cousin- she is home and well and miraculous. How extraordinary, this ordinariness.

I am reading a Book-- Night Train to Lisbon-- all about identity, how we define ourselves, and what defines us. If you are not at midlife I am not sure I would recommend this one. And if you are content, do not open it. It rakes coals and will fuck with your sleep and equilibrium. David, read it at your own risk.

I saw a great documentary that I loved-- any one out there interested in indie/offbeat music, the documentary was on pbs and called Nowhere Now about the joshua tree music scene- amazing music and a peek into a wild vast rugged landscape and some intense creativity...

I've had a few big conversations, the kind that change things, that make you wonder and question and you cannot go back and unhave them. Some have been with people I have known a long while, some with near strangers, some have been shitty, some have been great. All of them Matter...

My trip went well in California that reminded me of pieces of myself I like and have missed for a long time, and I had a great visit with my dad in snowcovered Colorado under such a big wide sky.

Now I am home and bleary with travel and time changes and sudden dark and leafless trees. The moon is huge and high tonight, spooky behind high clouds and fingery bare branches.

And me? My day 2 scan is tomorrow, cyst to be aspirated if it is still there. And then we simply move forward with this new cycle and hope.

diversion

Aww, my thanks to Jem of Ambivalent Womb for this award! I don't feel very over the top but will gladly take on the challenge to become so.

The Rules which I shall thwart forthwith:

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (HA!)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? by the bed (see? thwarting the rules from the first one!)
2. Your hair? Wild
3. Your mother? lovely, wonderful, loving, pragmatic, wherever she is is the place I will go after the apocalypse. Oh, and sweet smelling.
4. Your father? pink, smart as hell, so much like me in so many ways it freaks us both out when we are different, talented, thoughtful and heroic in a million ways that he cannot truly see
5. Your favorite food? cookies, specifically? snickerdoodles.
6. Your dream last night? fucked up
7. Your favorite drink? hot tea
8. Your dream/goal? to be calm most days, to spend time outside, to take time to be up to my ears in creative pursuits, to be intellectually challenged and to somehow combine things I do well with things I am discovering in a way that feels solid. Oh, and how cool would it be to not be panicked about money?
9. What room are you in? The orange room
10. Your hobby? fretting
11. Your fear? failure, death, loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? oh crap. somewhere with my kid, somewhere where I do not feel like this, somewhere happy and solid and safe and beautiful
13. Where were you last night? writing and chatting with my dear friend tammy, then having hell dreams during hell sleep (I LOVE YOU FLU!)
14. Something that you aren’t? carefree
15. Muffins? yes please
16. Wish list item? muffins, now that you mention it.
17. Where did you grow up? well, it is still happening. The north east, if that can include a motherlong 9 year stint in Rochester NY. I spent 1 year in seattle.
18. Last thing you did? typed a period.
19. What are you wearing? stripey pants, wool socks, a soft hoody and a grim expression
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? 1 crazed cat, finnegan.
22. Friends? beloved, most are far away, many are related to me. how lucky am I?
23. Your life? good except when it sucks rocks
24. Your mood? snotty achy heavy
25. Missing someone? Michael gosh darn it. A best friend who is far away in every sense.
26. Vehicle? Scion Xa. Obsolete but adored.
27. Something you’re not wearing? cowboy boots
28. Your favorite store? anything that has books in it. preferably in english.
29. Your favorite color? periwinkle blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? last night
31. Last time you cried? about an hour ago
32. Your best friend(s)? are more than I deserve
33. One place that I go to over and over? to the dark places, regret
34. One person who emails me regularly? my momma
35. Favorite place to eat? bowl

I nominate the following blogs for this award:

now.... this is where things get tricky. Whose blogs do I feel are over the top? not many. so the criteria will need to be different than that--
let's say--here are some folks whose voices I enjoy, who do not post a lot-- maybe this will entice them--
bb want to come out and play?
one pink line!
elle at babybunts, unless, you know, she is giving birth
amy and melissa!
just me, dawn
Jenn (the only one here who has some serious moments of delicious over-the-topness)


snotty flu-y achy kate? going back to bed.

4dpo, really, check my ticker

Thank you all for your support and great ideas for diversions. I promise, much of the time I am tangled in work and don't have time to sit and watch my navel as I would do otherwise, and tonight I will be tangled in writing and time with a dear friend until late. Time passes, just oddly and not in ways that feel easy.

Today my heart is breaking for another Kate-- she had a surprise pregnancy after a late first trimester loss and was awash in all the tentative hope and fear that rushes up to the surface, and yesterday she learned she is facing a pending miscarriage.

When a pregnancy is lost, or when a fucking digital test gives a false positive I feel crazy sad. Grief wells and I hear my self say no no no no no. As if I was thwarted in my hopefulness. Gosh I hate this stuff.

When one of us succeeds, my heart soars-- I absolutely totally bliss out and feel that all is just and right, I feel hopeful we will all get there someday.

But once pregnancy occurs, our particular sorority tends to live ultrasound to ultrasound, who is to blame us??? What can we trust? how do we believe this could actually work out for us, after all we know, after all we have experienced, after all of our losses (expectations, identity, and sometimes hope)...Lisa is having her first ultrasound right this very moment and I am SO HOPEFUL all will be well, but I am scared for her too- I know how scared I would be if I were the one waiting and hoping and searching that screen for signs that all is well. I know that I would tack on the line "so far", in my head and heart even if all looked as it should. I hate that IF has stolen from us our ability to just be happy. To just be hopeful. To just assume everything will work out. Statistics say yes, but our lives? Our experiences? They say differently, and it is hard to look past our own traumas to see that success truly is possible.

Wishing it were easier, and, once established, wishing pregnancies just worked. What if 2 lines meant a healthy baby. That would be the coolest thing ever.

4dpo. My cell clusters? They're checking out the playgrounds and off street parking and ice cream parlors and daycare centers.... It is funny, I have complete faith in fertilization, but everything that comes after? Not so much.

nice Os

Today's IUI was fine- pinchy/crampy as hell due to my corkscrew cervix and "tight os". Um, thanks!?

But, really, it was fine.

My darlin' made me laugh hard while we waited beforehand, and overall, I have to say the event felt lighthearted which was odd. Last time, I was in tears, and felt like a failure, knowing the IUI was just a consolation prize. This time, in spite of the shit of this cycle, it just felt like the thing we needed to do.

We were both up early-- I spent the night up there in a hotel, my darlin' was down here at camp-- our appointment was at 8am so we met up at the hospital. So after we both made our long way back home, we slept. We did not just sleep, we slept for 3 hours. I woke up crampy which I have decided to take as a good sign. Then I fed the kids.

And now?

the two week wait.

0dpo.

I invite you to come on over to the haiku site. Please submit, don't worry about them sucking or whatever, just send 'em in. I post drivel there all the time. All it is is a little diversion and sometimes a little diversion is just the thing.

the sisterhood of the magical white pants

Yeah so... damn.

My temp is down two days now, and spotting continues.

Oh how I wanted to catch a break-- somehow have this work the easy way, the back-to-nature way, the way without injections and suppositories.

So yeah, I am feeling a little low- but eager to get on with it, get on with the next thing, the baseline scan, the injection plan. Meds await in a bin in the maybe's room.

I am pretty sure my period will start for real any moment. I am wearing light colored pants, so I figure it will happen, say, right in the middle of one of my meetings today.

A nice shout out over at Lost and Found for the Haiku blog has created a little more traffic over there and has been a great diversion.

But you know-- through the poems and my blog reading-- god it is hard to stay or be resilient.

I hate the crap that this process makes us feel about ourselves, as if we are broken, or killers, or inhospitable, or a million other self-blaming things. This part makes me perhaps the most sad.

I get it though, I do. After the last negative pee stick of the cycle, I heard myself apologizing to my sweetie, as if somehow this is my fault, my doing. As if this is my negative. It might be. Heck, it probably is. But it might (might) also be something else. But I feel as if I am to blame.

Gosh I wish we could swear at the stars so easily.

So much of this is about rolling the dice and see where they fall.

So today? Ok period, bring it on.

Let's get this cycle going.

Resilient or insane? Who's to say. I choose resilient.

I'm ready to roll again. Maybe this time I'll win.

rain

It is raining.
still
For variety, it rains different kinds of rain. Soft rain. Hard rain. Crazy ass pouring rain. It thunders. It whispers. It falls. It fogs. It hammers down. It is dark right now, nighttime dark. And I am craving light like a junkie.

The new IF Haiku site is fun stuff, come and play. I'd be happy to post stuff anonymously. Be silly. Be serious. It simply does not matter. The first one I wrote I did not realize was naughty until later. Steal the button on the right if you want. I think it is fun to not get all tied up in making this too serious or stressful- and for that few minutes you are counting syllables, you are not watching the clock. And, of course, it is fun (twisted?) to think about combining creativity and pee sticks.
And yeah, pee sticks.


Today is 10dpo.

image courtesy of fertilityfriend

diversion

A new blog for us:

IF Haiku

Come play.