24 November 2009


beautiful whales
intriguing Tarot (Click the images to view my most recent reading. Well now....)

experiencing the futility of peeing on a stick at 11dpo just because it is the last moment my darlin is in town for a few days (big ole stark white negative).

I am curious about the magnitude and obsessively circling self talk, I sound like a lunatic even to myself.

I don't know I don't know I don't know
it is too early i could still be pregnant
it was silly to pee on the stick however well intended
the cramping? probably just the colitis sneaking up on me
it is too early I could still be pregnant

But really?
it is too early.

I could still be pregnant.

I could be pregnant right this very moment.

fucking pee stick (notice my lack of culpability as if it is the pee stick's fault I have no rationality, no self control).

Ok then. So now what?
My life is about more than this. I am looking forward to a few reading days, writing days, art days... days with no TV while my darlin' is away. With luck I will write with beloved Tammy on wednesday. I am off work on thursday and friday so I have some time alone. There's a tofu pumpkin pie to make that is actually awesome and delicious (boy was I surprised!). And I have a nice weekend ahead filled with feasting down at my sister's. My mom, my grandma, my sister, her kids... 4 generations, how lucky am I??

but then I ask myself in a small voice, what if my period comes on saturday?
and I confessed to Doug that with 13% of my brain, I am starting to think about what's next. Ultrasound on monday for baseline cyst check?
can i say how much this sucks?

and my small but getting bigger evolving voice says

Ferchrissakes kate, feed the right wolf!
yeah, I say, yeah, says I, I'm trying. I just do not want to be eaten, that's all.

Lalala beluga


Searching for Serenity said...

Thank you for inviting me on a trip through your mind. Fascinating and so very honest.

Say it with me "Feed the right wolf, Kate. Feed the right wolf."

IVF 40+ said...

Wow, wonderful post even if it reveals your pain. The warmth of all hearts beating for you

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I feel your pain over the pee sticks. I feed the various wolves along with you. Super huge positive thoughts for a + beta tomorrow. Hugs!

sprogblogger said...

Ugh. lalalalla beluga, indeed. A few things:
11dpo is early - very early.
Whatever happens, you're going to be ok, and you're going to find a way to make everything work.
I'm thinking of you. And I know how much this whole thing - even if you're pregnant, hell, especially if you're pregnant. Thinking of you, stalking your blog for updates, wishing you a wonderful, thankful few days of writing and tofu pumpkin pie and all good things. Hang in there.

Nic said...

Bloody pee stick! You are right, you could still be pregnant, so as hard as it is, remain hopeful.
Awake from my lap and sore but doing ok considering all the endo they removed and some ligaments on uterus and appendix!!!
Anyhow, sorry to make this about me. Hope u get your bfp!

Future Mum said...

Pooey pee sticks...taking us away from our beautiful peaceful feminine intuition...don't listen to a bit of plastic, lovely one, listen to your heart and your dreams and keep that hope warm and strong in your womb. Sending love xxxx

Anonymous said...

It is super early! I am keeping my hopes up!

Dirk said...

Found you through the ever interlinked threads of fertility bloggers. I enjoy your writing.

I guess it's too late to tell you that peeing on the stick is dumb. Right? Right.

Well, if you didn't know before you do now. On the up side, those sticks don't tell you a damn thing, which is why none of us trying to conceive folks are supposed to use them.

Make that your mantra.

Pee sticks don't mean shit.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Wondering and worrying and planning and prepping. These things swirl our minds and rob our hearts. Stupid pee sticks are like naughty fey creatures that steal our light in the dark hours. I want such joy for you. I want good things and dreams come true. It's my turn to scream at the sky on your behalf. Hoping the universe listens. Peace and pumpkins and family and love to you on this holiday and every day. --Traci

Michele said...

feed the good wolf!!!