intriguing Tarot (Click the images to view my most recent reading. Well now....)
experiencing the futility of peeing on a stick at 11dpo just because it is the last moment my darlin is in town for a few days (big ole stark white negative).
I am curious about the magnitude and obsessively circling self talk, I sound like a lunatic even to myself.
I don't know I don't know I don't know
it is too early i could still be pregnant
it was silly to pee on the stick however well intended
the cramping? probably just the colitis sneaking up on me
it is too early I could still be pregnant
it is too early.
I could still be pregnant.
I could be pregnant right this very moment.
fucking pee stick (notice my lack of culpability as if it is the pee stick's fault I have no rationality, no self control).
Ok then. So now what?
My life is about more than this. I am looking forward to a few reading days, writing days, art days... days with no TV while my darlin' is away. With luck I will write with beloved Tammy on wednesday. I am off work on thursday and friday so I have some time alone. There's a tofu pumpkin pie to make that is actually awesome and delicious (boy was I surprised!). And I have a nice weekend ahead filled with feasting down at my sister's. My mom, my grandma, my sister, her kids... 4 generations, how lucky am I??
but then I ask myself in a small voice, what if my period comes on saturday?
and I confessed to Doug that with 13% of my brain, I am starting to think about what's next. Ultrasound on monday for baseline cyst check?
can i say how much this sucks?
and my small but getting bigger evolving voice says
Ferchrissakes kate, feed the right wolf!
yeah, I say, yeah, says I, I'm trying. I just do not want to be eaten, that's all.