In agonizing about doing the right thing about the testing, peeing, results or no results, and trying to figure out what the right thing was.. I realized there is no right thing for me at the moment. All options feel wonky.
the right thing is just to be pregnant.
this slow exposure of what is, the reveal, yeah... there is no right way to do this part... so
yes, I peed on a stick this morning (unambiguously negative) and called the clinic on the way to the lab to ask that they do not call me with results today. I will wait for friday's test. I am already feeling mighty sad and trying hard not to be consumed by it, so I will buy myself some time, some days to fill the way I want: with hope if I want, with possibility, with art, with reading, with good things and dear friends and loved ones.
I do not want to KNOW it is over. I need to keep some hope. So I will. Even if it is just for two more days.
So, why did I pee on a stick? Yeah, um, I guess this is why I call it the middle way. I told myself I did not want to accidentally defer joy-- if it were positive I would have said hell yeah! call me with the beautiful number! I just wanted it to be positive, that's all. And while that is all true, I also know it does not really answer in a way I wholly believe, so I guess I do not have a full open honest answer. Maybe it is just: Because I had to. I was there, it was there, our eyes met across the bathroom... yeah, I don't have a good answer.
So in spite of my compliKatedness and my heavy feeling of sad, today, I will try to remain open-hearted and hopeful. I will let myself feel the twinging and believe that it could mean something good. I will look forward to writing tonight, and wonderful companionship, and reading good books, and artmaking, and walking, and... I will let myself float for a few days.
For those of you who know my analytical side, this may seem unthinkable-- but I am beginning to believe what I already recognized, that some of this needs to be about feeling not thinking, and I want to feel ok.
If I get the now mostly expected negative on friday, at least the news will come a few days closer to beginning again. At most I imagine I'll have one more kate-egg IVF cycle before I turn 43 and the clinic stops IVF with me-- It may be december or january. but that's it. we only have the credit for one more IVF anyway.
They would then let us do some medicated IUI's but not many-- they'll do 6 total and we're halfway through those already.
I am needing to know what is next, while hoping that it is not necessary. But in the meantime, I will try like hell to let myself be ok, enjoy the soft fog, and the silly woolly ponies, and the donkey in the cattle pasture, and the bright berry colored leaf that I picked up on the way in, and the collection of pine cones I keep adding to, here on my crazy piled up desk...