25 November 2009

the middle way

In agonizing about doing the right thing about the testing, peeing, results or no results, and trying to figure out what the right thing was.. I realized there is no right thing for me at the moment. All options feel wonky.
the right thing is just to be pregnant.
this slow exposure of what is, the reveal, yeah... there is no right way to do this part... so

yes, I peed on a stick this morning (unambiguously negative) and called the clinic on the way to the lab to ask that they do not call me with results today. I will wait for friday's test. I am already feeling mighty sad and trying hard not to be consumed by it, so I will buy myself some time, some days to fill the way I want: with hope if I want, with possibility, with art, with reading, with good things and dear friends and loved ones.
I do not want to KNOW it is over. I need to keep some hope. So I will. Even if it is just for two more days.

So, why did I pee on a stick? Yeah, um, I guess this is why I call it the middle way. I told myself I did not want to accidentally defer joy-- if it were positive I would have said hell yeah! call me with the beautiful number! I just wanted it to be positive, that's all. And while that is all true, I also know it does not really answer in a way I wholly believe, so I guess I do not have a full open honest answer. Maybe it is just: Because I had to. I was there, it was there, our eyes met across the bathroom... yeah, I don't have a good answer.

So in spite of my compliKatedness and my heavy feeling of sad, today, I will try to remain open-hearted and hopeful. I will let myself feel the twinging and believe that it could mean something good. I will look forward to writing tonight, and wonderful companionship, and reading good books, and artmaking, and walking, and... I will let myself float for a few days.

For those of you who know my analytical side, this may seem unthinkable-- but I am beginning to believe what I already recognized, that some of this needs to be about feeling not thinking, and I want to feel ok.

If I get the now mostly expected negative on friday, at least the news will come a few days closer to beginning again. At most I imagine I'll have one more kate-egg IVF cycle before I turn 43 and the clinic stops IVF with me-- It may be december or january. but that's it. we only have the credit for one more IVF anyway.
They would then let us do some medicated IUI's but not many-- they'll do 6 total and we're halfway through those already.

I am needing to know what is next, while hoping that it is not necessary. But in the meantime, I will try like hell to let myself be ok, enjoy the soft fog, and the silly woolly ponies, and the donkey in the cattle pasture, and the bright berry colored leaf that I picked up on the way in, and the collection of pine cones I keep adding to, here on my crazy piled up desk...


Sarah and Family said...

Love you, Kate. I knew you were going for that stick. I so want this to work for you((((Kate)))))

k said...

I'm so so sorry that you have to deal with these heavy emotions. You are in my thoughts and I hold you in my heart tonight praying that you get only good news.

Michele said...

Sending you love and hoping for a good Friday. Lots of love, Kate. Lots of love.

Kate said...

Hugs. What more can I say?
Love your attitude about this, and trying to still see the beauty in life.
I'm not sure what my aunt's issues were other than age, but she apparently did 3 rounds of IVF that failed, and then somehow at 45 was surprised with a healthy girl. I'll be interested to see if she mentions the IVFs to me when I bring up our IVF cycles at the pre-Christmas family get-together...
Hope the dam stick is wrong!

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I second Kate's sentiment hoping the stick was wrong. There's still hope. Take care of you as you wait for Friday's news.


Illanare said...

I hope that the stick was wrong, too. And for now - floating away on hope is fine. I know I have posted recently on my lack of hope, but this is only for myself and I have a bucket-load of hope to hold out for you.
Be good to yourself, lovely Kate.

Amber said...

I don't really think anything I say will make you feel much better, but I want you to know I'm praying hard for you this week!!!

B. said...

A hug and some hope. That's what I have for you today. If I were the praying sort, I'd mix in some prayers, but that's not my way. Unless one can pray without a diety... in which case I'm praying for you with all I've got.

IVF 40+ said...

I wish you peace and hope, surprise and joy.

What IF? said...

"the right thing is just to be pregnant." Amen. Here's to embracing hope and possibility. Wishing you peace and tranquility until you know, and beyond.

Pundelina said...

I am sorry that stick did not show you what you wanted today - remind yourself that 13.6dpo is the average day a positive pregnancy test shows so you are still in there. Keep the sadness at bay while you can and I will pray and hope for you.

Barefoot said...

I am so sorry about the negative, and am sending lots of hopeful thoughts your way for Friday.

Jenn said...

.....holding your hand and your heart.

Still sending all my positive vibes & prayers your way!

Love ya hon


Mad Hatter said...

It is the only thing we can really control in this whole journey, isn't it? WHEN we discover, HOW we discover whether we are or we aren't. I completely understand the middle way. I liked using my BBT to know last time - I felt much more in control. I know you sometimes take it - are you taking it this cycle? I am holding my breath with you, holding my hope with you, filled with wishes for your happiness.


Phoebe said...

Wishing you some ok-ness, whatever that may bring. And some good news Friday.

Joannah said...

I'm sorry that things aren't looking good. I'm hoping for a miracle for you come tomorrow. I will have to say that I don't miss the uncertainty and the waiting that goes with fertility treatments. It becomes a way of life after a while. Doesn't it?

All the best to you, Kate.

Happy Thanksgiving!