23 November 2009

IF meditation

I had colitis today, horrible cramping sweating badness, I had not missed it. This is only the 7th event since January's radical diet change, of no gluten, no eggs, no dairy.
In the midst of the doubled over pain, of course all I could think of was the babies--
and so, today, a return to skepticism and worry. But each time I went to the skeptical place, I tried like hell to bring myself back to now- to the possibility of a positive outcome. Some sort of shitty IF meditation, bringing my thoughts back over and over and over.


I get my "preliminary" beta on wednesday-which will be a mere 12dpo, and I will pee on a stick first just because I will.
But I also know that with our one pregnancy, I did not have a positive pee stick until 13dpo. Not that any one cycle is anything like any other-- but... I guess I do not know the right thing so I am just trying to figure it out as I go. My darlin' will be away until friday, but that is the day of beta2.
They gave me the option to not know the preliminary results. But I do not think I can wait, no, I cannot wait to know until then, although, no matter what, I will be waiting for those results on friday for confirmation or a surprise positive, for reassurance.

Sweet Traci got a great ultrasound today-- 2 monsters looking good! WHOO HOO! and Illanare wrote a lovely piece on hope and could use an infusion of support. I hope to catch up with more of you tomorrow.

Between now and then, as my head roars and I find myself in the place of worry and emptiness and discouragement, I will bring myself back, again and again to the place of hope.


11 comments:

sprogblogger said...

Sorry you're in the skeptical, dark place. I'm hoping for excellent results on Wednesday's & then again on Friday's test that bring you & your darlin' some serious, long-awaited joy. Here's to joy, Kate. I'll be stalking til we hear from you.

Amber said...

It's so unfair how much infertility makes us worry. We worry and we wait... I'm praying that you'll get that BFP!!!

Mad Hatter said...

You're allowed to be skeptical, my dear, allowed to have the feeling, to name it, to examine it under a microscope...then I hope you can find a way to let it go like a butterfly. I will be thinking of you on Friday - hoping big hopes for you!!!
Love,
Maddy

meinsideout said...

thinking of you

just me, dawn said...

sending you some love and strength for the days between now and friday.

IVF 40+ said...

Friday - what a terrific day to start being a mum.
If hope were an object I would send you the oceans.
EB

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

So hopeful for good news for you tomorrow! Big hugs and thanks for your continued support!

bb said...

Thinking of you and hoping for you!! Ugh I hate the waiting and the ups and downs it brings.

Jem said...

The wait's a bitch, isn't it.

I'm sorry about the colitis. Both my mom and aunt have it and I know how scary and dibilitating it can be. Right after transfer, my acupunctist said I should hold my breath when I pee and definitely NOT push or strain while pooping. Acupuncturists LOVE to talk about poo.

Good luck!

Kate said...

So sorry you were in pain, and right at this time too. How often were the attacks hitting you before the diet change? I'm impressed - I'd have trouble giving up even one item of food.
Best of luck for the beta tomorrow - hoping and praying for some terrific news for you.

Michele said...

sending healing hugs...