04 November 2009

I'm a bumble

So, I am standing in the restaurant bathroom and my eyes meet my eyes in the mirror and I am standing with my shirt pulled up and my pants pulled down and a pinch of fat between my fingers and a syringe in my hand I cannot really say I recognize that person, it seems so surreal. And yet....

And yet, here I go again. Can I confess something? This time feels a bit like "whatever"-- inevitability tinged with futility, must do it, just to have done it, managing my future regret.
I sure as hell hope that by some miracle, on saturday when we look for follicle growth, that there'll be lots and they'll be happy looking and that somehow I will turn the corner from this semi-defeatist attitude toward something more positive. It is not that I am devoid of hope, it is just that this feels so distant and I have to dig down to get to hope, and it is kind of yellowed and curling at the corners.

I imagine that I will be fine, maybe even tomorrow, I will wake up to frost sparkling and somehow be reattached to rightnow in a way that feels better. I know attitude matters, but shit.

I feel crappy about feeling crappy, know it will pass (it always does), remind myself of the mindfuck that is DHEA, of the sub conscious impact of the sore belly, of the clock watching, of the awareness in most moments of what comes next, which shots, what time, which appointment, when.... it is consuming.

Yeah, that kind of mood.
But, no worries! Tomorrow I will wake up fine. I know it. I do that. I bounce.


bb said...

Yeah I have looked at myself like that before. Like who the hell are YOU and how did YOU get here? ugh!

Here's to bouncing!!

(i love the terminology you come up with. so good)

karen alonge said...

LOL!! yes, bumbles do bounce!

you are brilliant, my friend.

Megan said...

everything seems so normal and then you suddenly catch yourself and realize that not everyone does this. Sigh.

Sprogblogger said...

Yeah. I recognize that place where you are. I don't like it, but I sure do know it well. Hang in there. DHEA is the devil, as much as is Lupron. All of these meds are a mind-fuck one way or another. Try to stay healthy and sane and do things you enjoy with the people you love. And in the meantime, endure, and think of what joy might come from all this misery. I'm sorry you're in that place and here's hoping you find your way out of it very very soon.

Pundelina said...

I feel the same.

I hope we both feel better about this cycle soon.

K said...

Oh Kate. I don't know what to say. You always find the right words and comments to make on everyone elses blogs. And I just ramble. I wish I had something magical in my repetoire. Sigh...just thinking of you.

Maredsous said...

Great news about lack of cyst and as you said 9 is better than none.

You must have faith that this will work otherwise you would not be doing it.

Don't let the process get you down. You are right to focus on you sweetie. To focus on the natural wonders around you. To focus on the important things that exist now. Tomorrow will bring new perspective and additional hope.

Thinking of you and wishing you all of the positive mojo that you deserve.

Michele said...

I remember watching my face sometimes when I injected. Sometimes I hated the empty look in my eyes. It made the whole thing worse sometimes.

Fingers crossed that this cycle is THE one!

Anonymous said...

If anyone knows how to make feeling crappy poetic, it would be you. Me thinks the shots are more a mind-fuck than DHEA! You know, I don't think much about the whole shot thing anymore, except to think how drug addicts must feel. Now that's weird!

IF Optimist, then... said...

I felt kind of blah about my shots last time. I felt they are only a means to an end, luckily they worked. I hope you are feeling better and that this smidge of ennui is a temporary thang.

To be honest, when I read the line "I'm a bumble" I immediately thought of the Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer stop motion animation holiday classic where Cornelius the miner called the snowman a bumble. I have always love The Bumble, he makes me happy. :-D