2>0

I am very happy and relieved! we have two embryos!

I am also very sad and disappointed and felt my heart fall.. dang, I thought, we only have two? What the fuck? What happens if something goes wrong between now and monday?? What if they arrest and we have nothing?

ahhh the thrill of catastophizing. I could get an hononary degree in that.... awareness of all that can go wrong.

I am trying like hell to let happy win and having a hard time.

the rain is probably not helping my heavy mood.

and these drugs, holy crap folks, these are not my usual and should we need to do this again, I will ask for a return to the previous cocktail, pina colada, and not this friggin scorpion bowl of doom. I am more with it than yesterday but feel so heavy and tired. This part is much harder than last time. Much much harder.

I am going to go see my mom this afternoon for some good maternal triage. She does not know the details but knows I am in the midst of a cycle. But she is wonderful company and I am so lucky to have such a great relationship with each of my parents. I do not take it for granted.

Monday, 11:30 is the transfer and hope to hell I hear nothing from them between now and then unless it is something miraculous and good.

So, recognizing that my life needs to be more than survival and IF, yesterday I received an invitation from the magical Jen Lee to join a story telling retreat in late February in NYC. In spite of all of my insecurities, I impulsively trusted my instinct, said yes and signed up for the last spot. This is a very good thing for me, brave and all that. I will no doubt panic about it as it comes closer but right now? How great to have something out there in the future that will be so good for me if I let it.

And today? rain is falling on the roof and blowing against the eastern windows, a bluejay is taunting the cat from the crabapple tree, and the lichen is crazy green on the tree trunks. I left the seed heads of the cone flower and the horsemint and the brown eyed susans standing in the front garden, and they are black and lovely, tall skeletal sculptures. And the heap of catmint is still green but beaten down and bitter.

I moved the big pot of parsley to the stoop to guard it from frost. And I realize how lucky we are that this is rain and not snow and ice, it could be so easily. And I am trying to soak up the sound of it falling on the roof. Snow is silent unless it is blowing or shot through with sleet, so this sound, this one, this is a sound I will not hear again until spring.

Ok people, we have 2. Two wonderful beginnings.

A shout out to Jules for her great fert report today! Fingers crossed for a great outcome for all of us.