14 November 2009


I am very happy and relieved! we have two embryos!

I am also very sad and disappointed and felt my heart fall.. dang, I thought, we only have two? What the fuck? What happens if something goes wrong between now and monday?? What if they arrest and we have nothing?

ahhh the thrill of catastophizing. I could get an hononary degree in that.... awareness of all that can go wrong.

I am trying like hell to let happy win and having a hard time.
the rain is probably not helping my heavy mood.
and these drugs, holy crap folks, these are not my usual and should we need to do this again, I will ask for a return to the previous cocktail, pina colada, and not this friggin scorpion bowl of doom. I am more with it than yesterday but feel so heavy and tired. This part is much harder than last time. Much much harder.

I am going to go see my mom this afternoon for some good maternal triage. She does not know the details but knows I am in the midst of a cycle. But she is wonderful company and I am so lucky to have such a great relationship with each of my parents. I do not take it for granted.

Monday, 11:30 is the transfer and hope to hell I hear nothing from them between now and then unless it is something miraculous and good.

So, recognizing that my life needs to be more than survival and IF, yesterday I received an invitation from the magical Jen Lee to join a story telling retreat in late February in NYC. In spite of all of my insecurities, I impulsively trusted my instinct, said yes and signed up for the last spot. This is a very good thing for me, brave and all that. I will no doubt panic about it as it comes closer but right now? How great to have something out there in the future that will be so good for me if I let it.

And today? rain is falling on the roof and blowing against the eastern windows, a bluejay is taunting the cat from the crabapple tree, and the lichen is crazy green on the tree trunks. I left the seed heads of the cone flower and the horsemint and the brown eyed susans standing in the front garden, and they are black and lovely, tall skeletal sculptures. And the heap of catmint is still green but beaten down and bitter.
I moved the big pot of parsley to the stoop to guard it from frost. And I realize how lucky we are that this is rain and not snow and ice, it could be so easily. And I am trying to soak up the sound of it falling on the roof. Snow is silent unless it is blowing or shot through with sleet, so this sound, this one, this is a sound I will not hear again until spring.

Ok people, we have 2. Two wonderful beginnings.

A shout out to Jules for her great fert report today! Fingers crossed for a great outcome for all of us.


just me, dawn said...

Hurrah for 2 strong embies and for a great monday transfer. I hate how hard it is during the wait times.
I love the sound of rain.
May this weekend pass quickly and painlessly and Monday dawn a new day.

IVF 40+ said...

2 yipeeeeeeee!!!!!! that is frikkin amazing. two embryo's. Just think of that - two little ones waiting for you.

congratulations ;-)

sprogblogger said...

Yay for 2! Hoping with everything that's in me that these ones will be THE ones.

Nic said...

2 is great, it is so much better than 1 and a million times better than none so do not be disheartened!! 2 is great!
Will be thinking of you at your transfer. Good luck.
Keeping everything crossed for you and your embies!
Take care x

Kate said...

All right you two, you'd better listen to your mama and continue to grow beautifully! Prayers will continue here.
Isn't it amazing anyone ever gets pregnant? When you see the attrition between follicle counts, how many are retrieved, how many are actually mature, and then how many fertilize and grown, it makes you wonder how one lone follicle a month (or even 2-3 with IUI, where there are additional barriers between sperm and egg) ever makes a baby.
Stay calm, focused, meditate, enjoy nature. And I'll just keep on praying that these little ones are the ones for you.

Melissa said...

2 is a great number!! Will be thinking of you and sending you and your 2 positive thoughts.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I understand your mixed emotions about the two.... So happy to have two but would give your right arm for more! I'm sending all the happy, strong, growing embie thoughts your way for your two growers. Grow, little guys, grow! Hope that you have some recuperative time with your mom away from the stress of IF.

I will definitely say a prayer for you at 11:30 when those two come on board for what hopefully will be a long 9 month ride.

Hugs and thanks for the shout out and support.

Anonymous said...

2! 2! Hooray for 2!

Eileen said...

YAY for 2!!! Thinking good embie growing thoughts for you! Can't wait to see your BFP announcement in a couple weeks ;-).

K said...

Congratulations! 2 is a million percent better than none. I am so happy for you. Remember you have been through so much worse and this is a bright spot in this mess. Hoping the 2ww goes quickly. Good luck on your transfer tomorrow.

Jenn said...

Two is TERRIFIC!!!!! Those are the SUPER DUPER EXCELLENT EMBRYOS that are just itching to snuggle in deep for a nice relaxing 9 month sleep in your belly.

Hugs, prayers, love and positive magic wishes coming your way!

Will be thinking of you tomorrow and with you in spirit!

Future Mum said...

Hi Kate,

I came across your blog by chance last week and started following it because I just felt so connected with your beautiful words - you are a wonderful writer (your other blog about the terrible death of your husband completely blew me away and it's such a selfless gift that you sharing your feelings and thoughts - thank you).

I will be thinking of you tomorrow at 11.30am and sending out heaps and heaps of positive love and energy - I hope with all my heart that all the goodness in the world will surround you and your little people tomorrow.

Recently, I have been going to bed listening to this lovely hypnosis CD about creating a soft and welcoming womb - I find that the visualisations of our dream outcome help keep me connected to the potential magic just around the corner...perhaps something to meditate on tonight...

Sending blessings and love xxxx

Future Mum said...

Oh, i just realised you're in America so I'll have to put my little thinking cap on and work out the time difference!!....

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Crossing fingers for your ET tomorrow morning. You are in my thoughts!

What IF? said...

I'm counting the hours with you until 11:30 tomorrow morning. Please, dear universe, I'm begging here: let Kate's two beautiful embryos continue to grow and thrive for the next 9 months. I'm sending you every peaceful, comforting thought.

Megan said...

I've had zero before. Two sounds wonderful. Good luck on the transfer tomorrow.

Billy said...

2! That is great!!
Wishing you a successful transfer.
[word verification - labless! No doubt you are going to be blessed this cycle with a beautiful baby :-)]

sarah ahearn bellemare said...

so much to look forward to! story telling in NYC! you go kate! we must have tea soon... thinking of you and hoping you got my playlist link... xoxo lots of love, *s

Michele said...

2 is great!!!