08 November 2009

my crazies

ohhh these hormones have me by the proverbial balz this time around.
I am a happykate in my natural state, this? this part of my cycle is all sad and questioning and raw.
BUT I know what it is this time, so this time I am not thinking it is me. And this is such a relief.

Woke up raw and horrid, so I hiked a beautiful hike under an unbelievable blue sky, and felt pretty good until I met up with a guy with a shot gun, oh yeah, hunting season, how shitty... then worked in the yard with my darlin' in a bright orange vest, then met up with my dear friend David for tea and conversation and a walk with sunshine on my face. It was fun to see the trees stripped down to fruit and seed-- so many beautiful textures, crabapples, ornamental oak leaves, seed pods....

Tomorrow I head up north for an 8:30 appointment, so I have to be up at 6 or before. Somewhere in there I will do the injections-- at this point I am hoping I will be there early enough to do it there instead of en route. Morning is two vials of menopur and one follistim, so there is mixing. And now there is my Ganirelix syringe swap too. I will take their advice most likely, but if there are more than 4 I will try for IVF I think-- here is why: I have not been able to stim two months in a row since I have had leftover cysts each time... so it is one month on, one month off... and this month is November, so December would be off, and then there could be a cycle in January and that would be my last IVF at Dartmouth-- February I turn 43. So this month? I should do everything I can.. simply because I will only have this cycle and maybe just one more before my birthday.

BUT this will turn out however it does.

And in the meantime, just like in those old innocent days when I thought I was insane but it was the clomid, this time I know I feel like shit because of the hormones. So I know this is not a good time to make big changes or begin to question my choices. Now is a good time to coast and stay peaceful and as separate as possible from the crazies.

Those? over there? wreaking havoc with the clothes rack? yeah, those are mine, they're my crazies....yeah, you know what can I do? they're at THAT age...


Mad Hatter said...

Here's hoping all those crazies are worth it! Hang in there, sister!

Jem said...

Congrats on going for IVF. Piece of cake! Ha!

Embrace those crazies! They are parts of you who are hoping so hard it hurts.

Kim said...

big congrats on going for the ivf this month...your explanation makes perfect sense.

you gotta love the crazies! i agree with jem, embrace them. :)

Pundelina said...

Thinking of you.


Nic said...

I agree, you should def go for IVF if you can. Give this cycle everything you have got and hope for the best.
Hang in there with the crazies. At least you are sane enough to know you are going crazy!! Lol!
Good luck for the appointment

Michele said...

hoping and praying for it to turn out the way we are all praying for...

irrationalexuberance said...

I hope the appointment this morning went well, and that you are comfortable with your path forward.

Do you think we could set up a play date for all of our crazies, just so they wouldn't bother us for an hour or two?

K said...

Give it all you got. And yeah, just coast it out until the finish line.