26 November 2009


every day I try to pay attention to things I am grateful for. some days it is breathing. some days it is the miraculous love of a good man. or the tiny hairs on the tips of the cat's ears. or the way the rain sounds. or that I am clean and dry and warm and fed. sometimes it is the way the sheets feel perfect against my skin. or how the mug handle fits just so.

I peed on no sticks today, and for that I am grateful. I woke with big sharp cramping, the kind that comes and stays, not that ebbs and flows, breathless cramping. I have had this before, once or twice when I was pregnant, once for sure when I wasn't but was hoping I was, but I cannot help but think it means I am trying to keep or trying to get rid of something. I will know tomorrow I guess. I am not looking forward to the early morning long drive through and among and with the crazy shopping people to the lab. I am not looking forward to the time before the phone call, the phone ringing, or the way I will feel in those seconds before she tells me the results unless she yells POSITIVE as soon as I say hello. But it is what it is, I cannot will it to be different, otherwise I would have a baby on my lap right now. I realize that coming up on early december when I would have been due is weighing heavy and hard on my heart. But with all the maybes in the world, or whatifs, or could'ves, it wasn't. And really, the wasn't certainly wins here, eh?

So on this fine soft november day, I say thank you. Today l feel so grateful to all of you, to all of us, to all of this, to this technology even if it fails me, to the strength of will we all show in trying so damned hard, for fortitude and tenacity. I am grateful it sometimes works. And I am grateful I can even try. But to be honest, it would be damned cool if instead of trying and failing, this happened to work for me this time. I sure would be grateful for that too.


Mad Hatter said...

Hoping soooooooooooo hard for you.
I have discovered how much I like to let the clinic leave a voicemail on beta day. Then I can listen to the news in my own time and not have to speak if I don't want to (or scream with joy if I want to!).

Amber said...

I feel nervous for you !!! I'll be anxiously awaiting the news, and my fingers are crossed big-time!

Elizabeth said...

Amen, sister. I am wishing and hoping and hopeful.

I'm very grateful I connected with you when I had my unsuccessful FET last Feb. I'm keenly aware that I'm in a different place, and I feel awkward about that sometimes. But I'm so glad to eknow you even just a little, and hope for tea and chocolate IRL someday. I hope you're fast asleep, snugged up on perfect sheets, growing a baby. Love to you,

Nic said...

Keeping everything crossed for you!
It is so hard to remain thankful at times like these, but pleased you are able to.
I hope that they yell positive as soon as you answer!!

Illanare said...

I am once again in awe of your positivity and calm.

Hoping and wishing for you, and keeping you in my thoughts.

Phoebe said...

Here's hoping you have one snuggling in right now, and everything goes well today!

IVF 40+ said...

Lovely post, lovely. Lovely indeed. If I could I'd bring you a big cup of tea, some homemade bread toasted and spread with local honey, so you can rest and your little ones can snuggle in.
thinking of you

Michele said...

you are so brave and strong, sweet Kate... hugs...