18 November 2009

feeding the wolf

So yesterday I promised myself I would try to stay calm in spite of being back at work, and I mostly succeeded.
And I promised myself I would focus on all that is good, and that includes allowing myself to feel hopeful that one or both of these little ones will be chromosomally normal and, if so, decide to stick around for the duration.

Such a heavy frost fell over night it looked like snow, but each blade of dried grass was frosted and sparkly. This is not a colorful season, but there is such beauty-- a big apple tree that sits in the middle of a tangled hillside is bare except for fist-sized yellow apples that hang like ornaments.
And the sun, when it hits the street signs, pulls steam upwards as water goes from ice to air.

I catch myself being worried or negative (over and over and over again), and then I gather myself together, move myself one inch toward the positive, open my eyes and really look around. I hope I can keep this up- it's an effort to be sure, but it is brings me back again and again to such a more peaceful place.

13 comments:

k said...

Thank you for this post. It reminds me everyone wants to let go and just succub to that wolf. We can't let him consume us, but from time-to-time he might growl or nip us. We have to get back up each time and keep walking. There is no other way.

You are in my thoughts.

Illanare said...

Hoping and wishing for the perfect outcome for you.

karen alonge said...

reminds me of a needlepoint that has been in my friend's family for generations and now graces her kitchen wall:

Inch by inch
Life's a cinch.

Yard by yard.
Life is hard.


Moving just one inch toward the positive, and even simply inviting your attention to become aware of a bodily sensation rather than stay stuck spinning in a fearful mind-spiral, is a radically powerful act of creation. You go, girl!! You inspire me.

karen alonge said...

wait, I had that backwards! it's

Yard by yard, life is hard.
Inch by inch, it's a cinch!

just me, dawn said...

oh, i love frost. living in the midwest with huge yards, I loved waking up to frost on the windows and across our huge yards....living in a condo in the northeast doesn't have the same impact. staying positive is hard, it helps to have so many supporters to lean on. we are here for you.

sprogblogger said...

One inch towards the positive, eh? I'll try that next time - it might be more doable than my all-or-nothing-goals tend to be.

Hoping that at least one of your fireflies can stick around, because honestly I think you're going to be one fantasticly wise and fun mother.

Kate said...

I found work to be a welcome distraction during whatever 2ww I was currently in. Having more time at home to mull things over and scour Dr google wasn't always a good thing.
Best of luck!

IF Optimist, then... said...

Thank you for posting this dear Kate. I feel like I can't make it, I feel like a failure both for feeling mostly normal and for worrying about feeling mostly normal. Tiny steps, little things are what I need. I have little things that are counting on me.

Kim said...

i feel you kate. it's getting harder and harder as the days go by to stay positive. and then i pick myself up out of the funk and i am happy i made it this far- that i have a chance.

best of luck to you during this wait for tons of positive thoughts!

Sarah said...

eh, don't be too hard on yourself about the negative thoughts, they have nothing to do with how this goes down. but it does at least give you something to do while you wait :)

meinsideout said...

Thinking of you.

Elizabeth said...

Hey you -- thinking and thinking of you and trying to share in your energy that sees the beauty all around in the people one loves and the places one moves through. You do it so well -- it is for sure the journey when it comes to harnessing all those thought, thoughts; for sure the journey. Imagining your little fireflies and their bright light adding to what is good. Hoping they settle in and stay. Hoping. In a few hours I'll go out from the now quiet hospital into a very dark and rainy night to ride a small airplane across the mountains. The lights of the plane will occasionally cut through the clouds and rain and show me new snow on the high peaks. Love to you,
Elizabeth

Michele said...

hoping... wishing... praying...