15 November 2009

wolves

1db3dt
1 day before three day transfer and I am sitting here in a state of high vibration. I'd call it butterflies but that is not sufficient, it feels too tectonic. I am scared people.
Each time the phone rang today, my heart leapt into my throat, and I panicked. As I told Jules in a comment, I did not realize how I was thinking of my embryos, but each time the phone rang I worried something might have gone wrong with our babies.
Babies.
Oh sweet kate, there is a friggin long road between embryo and baby.
Yeah, I know. But this was my instinctive immediate response. Not my rational thoughtful educated response.
I am scared about what, it not working, being hideously uncomfortable during the transfer, losing sphincter control (thank you gassy progesterone suppositories with oily discharge! Gotta Luv Ya!)

I did not hike today- still crampy and uncomfortable from the retrieval which is weird, so I realized that while my mind needed a hike more than maybe most anything, my body needed to be more peaceful.
So, we did errands and I cleaned (not aerobic) and sorted and did laundry and threw out a bunch of expired mysteries from the closet in the bathroom.

And now, I am tired and on the sofa, watching football, eating leftovers and it is just 7:30. how the heck will I make it to tomorrow. to 9 when we leave. to 11 when I arrive with a bladder filing just so, to 11:30 when my two are gently put back where they should be.

It is the oddest thing ever having them there, and me here. I never expected it before I experienced it. I did a better job realizing it this time since last time was so acute.

So, t-16h and I am talking myself up, trying to stay hopeful. But scared howls at the door.

17 comments:

romancing_the_stone said...

I am thinking of you and wishing you the very very best!!!!!Shell http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com

Mad Hatter said...

I hope the hours are flying by, my dear friend. Isn't this whole thing just bizarre? What happened to the good ol' days when women didn't realize they were pregnant until they were REALLY pregnant!? I don't know what is worse - having embryos outside your body and waiting on pins and needles to get them back where they belong OR not knowing if you have embryos inside your body at all and waiting on pins and needles to find out if you do! Regardless, here's hoping we both end up with babies coming out the other end of this! Will be thinking of you tomorrow...XOXO
Lots of Love,
Maddy

sprogblogger said...

Wishing for the very best for you! And you know, I always loved transfer day. It's not an uncomfortable procedure, you usually walk away from it absolutely elated, PUPO, and with a souvenir picture or two. Hoping you also walk away with twins, my friend! Shall be stalking the blog til you post about how it goes!

k said...

The wait is painful. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for success.

Barefoot said...

I'm hoping the night passes quickly, and that your two little embies end up safe and sound where they should be. Hugs to you!

Joannah said...

Fingers and toes crossed for you and your embryos!

Kate said...

Fingers crossed and prayers outgoing for you and your babies. If your bladder's about to explode, they should let you pee a little before you go in. They were pissed at me for not drinking more before going in, but darn it, I know my own bladder and how fast it fills, and it was just right.
Can't wait to hear a wonderful update from you tomorrow! Hopefully the exertion today will let you get some sleep tonight.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I'm sure that you are dreaming right now, asleep and letting the hours 'til transfer zoom by in the moonlight. Saying lots of prayers and sending oodles of love. I know that embryos aren't babies, but that is how I saw them for me. They are mine and I will love them for as long as they can hold on. I know you will too. Let's hope its for a long time. All my wishes of comfort and happiness to you dear Kate as you will read this while I am asleep. Take care.

meinsideout said...

K - I felt very much the same way. It felt so strange to have our embryos, our babies in a dish when we drove away and went home before the transfer - just wrong and somewhat surreal.

I will be thinking of you and hope the transfer goes well today.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and wishing the very best for today

B. said...

It's today already, and in just an hour, you'll become PUPO. I always thought of the embies as babies too, and each one is unique and special and so full of potential. Be good to them by being very good to yourself. Twins would be great, no?

Searching for Serenity said...

Two? Fantastic!

Thinking of you while crossing all my parts...because...the gas doesn't get any better.

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you, now, PUPO. Hoping the transfer went easily and you can have a peaceful, restful day. Love to you,
Elizabeth

Melissa said...

Wishing the time would go faster for you. So hoping this is the one or two :)

Kim said...

thinking of you today and your two little embies all warm inside of you. i hope everything went fantastic today and you are resting with sweet dreams. cant wait to hear all the details!

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Thinking of you, Kate! Hoping your two little ones snuggle in warm and cuddly for a long journey. Hugs and warm thoughts!

Jem said...

I hope you and the little ones are taking it waaaaay easy.

Blessings!