Yup, I need to confess this out loud and right here: this one, this negative, this one hurt more than many others have. Maybe not the other real IVF since that just felt so right. But while so many other negatives sucked, there were tears and then I moved forward. Maybe this one is so hard because of running out of time. Maybe it was the misleading twinges and cramping. Maybe it is the pre-tenderness of my bruised and battered heart. Or our lack of sufficient credit and time left to explore options... The feeling that time is whooshing by at breakneck speed.
Not being able to do anything but an unmedicated IUI this cycle is also hard-- it is always easier to have the distraction of a complex protocol. So I am temping again (Maddy, I don't bother temping when I am on progesterone support since it makes my temps nice and high and holds off my period, so I find it very misleading). I will take mucinex. We will test for the LH surge. I have asked for an IUI.
But, yeah. I got to dance with my old friend acute grief for a while and while it is nice to be led around so masterfully since I know so well how that goes, really? I am ready for something else.
I am trying very hard to not drown in this. I am succeeding except sometimes when a wave washes up and pulls me under. I almost feel like I am watching it happen.
But I'll be ok. Last night around 2 I woke up crampy (gosh this period has some major butt-kicking cramping), and the moon was far in the western sky, up behind some popcorn clouds, and it was so lovely. And in moments like those, I just feel the joy of it. And this part of me, this part of the katemosaic, this part is so good.
Thank you all for your wonderful and kind support and frustration on our behalf. It means so much to hear you roar and shake your heads and fists and feel this is unfair: Thank you.
Sending love to all of you out there in limbo right now (Jules, and Sassy, and Scifibaby) I am so sorry about the in-betweenness. I think that sucks extra.