30 November 2009


Yup, I need to confess this out loud and right here: this one, this negative, this one hurt more than many others have. Maybe not the other real IVF since that just felt so right. But while so many other negatives sucked, there were tears and then I moved forward. Maybe this one is so hard because of running out of time. Maybe it was the misleading twinges and cramping. Maybe it is the pre-tenderness of my bruised and battered heart. Or our lack of sufficient credit and time left to explore options... The feeling that time is whooshing by at breakneck speed.

Not being able to do anything but an unmedicated IUI this cycle is also hard-- it is always easier to have the distraction of a complex protocol. So I am temping again (Maddy, I don't bother temping when I am on progesterone support since it makes my temps nice and high and holds off my period, so I find it very misleading). I will take mucinex. We will test for the LH surge. I have asked for an IUI.

But, yeah. I got to dance with my old friend acute grief for a while and while it is nice to be led around so masterfully since I know so well how that goes, really? I am ready for something else.

I am trying very hard to not drown in this. I am succeeding except sometimes when a wave washes up and pulls me under. I almost feel like I am watching it happen.

But I'll be ok. Last night around 2 I woke up crampy (gosh this period has some major butt-kicking cramping), and the moon was far in the western sky, up behind some popcorn clouds, and it was so lovely. And in moments like those, I just feel the joy of it. And this part of me, this part of the katemosaic, this part is so good.

Thank you all for your wonderful and kind support and frustration on our behalf. It means so much to hear you roar and shake your heads and fists and feel this is unfair: Thank you.

Sending love to all of you out there in limbo right now (Jules, and Sassy, and Scifibaby) I am so sorry about the in-betweenness. I think that sucks extra.


Kate said...

Why does AF have to be a bitch, just when you don't need any more shit to deal with?
Wish you weren't going through all of this.

Megan said...

I totally relate. Some negatives hurt worse than others. I'm hoping for the best as you move forward.

Illanare said...

Totally understand feeling washed over by waves of misery, and I am so very sorry you are having to go through this.

Thinking of you.

Barefoot said...

I am so sorry that this one is hitting you so hard. Thinking of you and hoping, at the very least, that this period stops kicking your butt (and insides).

Amber said...

This sucks and I am so sorry! Like after my miscarriage, did I really have to bleed heavily and cramp too? Pretty sure the grief was enough, thank you very much. I'm thinking of you!

Mo and Will said...

I'm sorry that this one hurts more than some of the other negatives. It is so awful how these losses and disappointments keep knocking us off our feet, even when we think we've figured out how to cope with them. awful. hoping that when you're feeling a bit better physically that the suckitude will be just a little less sucky too.

thinking of you.


IVF 40+ said...

oh kate, I am so sorry. I hope the moon refreshes your heart and this IUI is a whopping success.
hugs and wishes

Michele said...

I'm sorry, Kate. I wish I had better words, words that more fully summed up the ache in my heart for you.

I love NH. Peter has family in VT. Perhaps the next time we visit, we can swing through the White Mountains and have coffee together. Then I can give you this hug in person. :)

Thinking of you and sending lots of love...

irrationalexuberance said...

Kate -- just catching up on reading and am so sorry to hear about how crappy things are. This is just grossly unfair, and I hope that you are able to keep your head above the waterline. Be well and take care.

Jem said...

Kate, oh, Kate. We should be thinking you!

You are the bravest woman on the internet. Thank you for opening your life, your heart, your mind to us.

Joannah said...

I wish I had something healing to say. But, I've got nothing.

Please know that I care, and that I'm sorry for your pain and disappointment.


Mad Hatter said...

Suckitude. I like it. Opposite of gratitude? Or fortitude? Or is it just an attitude? Does it have a latitude and longitude?

Here's a hugitude for you, my friend. I'm here sitituding beside you.


Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry - ((hugs))

IF Optimist, then... said...

No mere words can express my sorrow on your behalf. I hate that it is so hard. I hate that it takes you back to grief. Please accept some love and comfort and a shoulder.