01 December 2009

surfacing

Cramps finally are calming down, thank god/goddess/all-that-is. They were really, really hard this time around- my usual megadose advil did not make a dent, and the persistent pain really wore me down. BUT I am better today! And Maddy made me laugh with her comment. I think suckitude and fortitude may be friends actually. Things suck, but I'm still in the game.

I am finding it hard not to be aware that the 9th, looming, my would have been due date. It feels impossible. I read about Onwardsandsideways fabulous 38th week. We got pregnant at the same time, and where she is feels like a foreign land. I ache for that possibility that truly wasn't, and for my easy projection then into this upcoming holiday time with big belly and then baby and a new year beginning with our bigger family. And it feels like a dream I had once. Not like a real thing that truly could have been. And yet, dream or not, it cuts pretty deeply, you know?

Speaking of dreams, I dreamed of babies last night, one could type and had written this whole short story in tiny question mark delimited fragments like this: One could type? and? the whole story? was in fragments?

And it was weird to read it, since I kept thinking: MY BABY WROTE THIS. I also dreamed of my last high school, of visiting for some sort of movie watching reunion thingy, having one very foamy beer (I do not drink at all in real life), getting woozy drunk, and kissing some random guy named Eric who does not actually exist, and needing to leave before in-dorms but realizing I was too drunk to drive and not entirely sure where I parked anyway. The stars were amazing as I wandered about looking for my car, that I do remember. So my point? My dreams are not all portentous. Most are just brain barf.

And now, speaking of brain barf, I feel like babbling here for a while- I guess this means I am surfacing. So this? This portends well.

9 comments:

Michele said...

I totally believe our babies communicate with us through our dreams and through "coincidences" from their spiritual realm. I'm glad that you had a sweet encounter.

Mad Hatter said...

My take: I think the baby in your dream is YOU. Writing in fragments, processing, questioning. It seems to have made you feel a little better, too, as good dreams tend to do.
Glad to have made you smile. :-)
Keep being gentle with yourself.
Love,
Maddy

Kate said...

Glad you're feeling a little better. The due date anniversary will really suck, no doubt about it. I was doing epidurals and working with all sorts of pregnant women when mine rolled around. I dealt with it ok at work (bitter thoughts running through my head though), but was pretty pissed when I got home that I'd had to deal with all that.
At least I was so focused on my 2ww at that point that it sort of took my mind of things a little. Strangely, I didn't blog about it at all, now that I look back. Must have shut things off a little.
Christmas vacation was worse, actually - walking through airports and seeing the others traveling to visit family with their babies. And us, again, with nothing. Unfair!
Hope you get through the anniversary ok.

onwardandsideways said...

I remember that feeling of pregnancy and actually having a child being so far away, if not impossible... I am sorry it didn't work this time, and that you are feeling pain again, both physically and emotionally. It takes guts to go through this stuff, and then some.

I have faith that you will know this land. Sometimes I think IF is like a marathon, if you can just hang on long enough, you'll get to where you need to go.

Take care of yourself and focus on the future and what it can bring. Good things for you soon, I hope.

K said...

Happy to read you are surfacing. That is better, of course, than the alternative. Thinking of you.

meinsideout said...

It is good to hear you.

Sprogblogger said...

I am glad you're surfacing. I've missed you, and worried for you. And yeah, due dates completely fucking suck. Sorry for the crudity, but they do.

And folks who got pregnant during the same cycle I did? Damn, it's hard to read their lives and not compare them to my own. Not that I begrudge them the joy and the new chapter of their life, but man-o-man, it's hard not to wail out loud when I read about baby showers and adorable 3-d ultrasounds, baby names and nursery decorating schemes. Because, of course, once I thought that would be me writing that post today, feeling that joy during the holidays. And I'm not. And I'm a bitter hag about it. Which is, of course, why I blog. To share my bitter hag-ness with the world.

You, on the other hand, seem to be taking the high road of making everyone feel better with what you have to say in your blog, and because of that, Kate, you inspire the hell out of me.

Let's have us some babies soon, eh? Not only do I want that joy - not to mention those ready-made blogging topics! - but I totally want our kids to know each other. You'll be a good influence on Sprog, and I'll teach your kiddo to curse like a sailor.

Which seems a fair trade to me...

IVF 40+ said...

I work with psychologists and asked them what the dream could mean. The answer is .... what where you feeling, specifically, at each point in the dream. That will give you the answer.
Yeah, helpful guys.

I see it as a premonition, she's there, waiting for all the right jigsaw pieces to come together.

EB

littlebitofsomething said...

sorry to have been so absent and sorry, so deeply sorry for your negative. i'm just heartbroken for you. the world is terribly unfair and you deserve so much joy. i just wanted to pop up and say i'm thinking of you and i hope you'll feel some brightness soon.