Cramps finally are calming down, thank god/goddess/all-that-is. They were really, really hard this time around- my usual megadose advil did not make a dent, and the persistent pain really wore me down. BUT I am better today! And Maddy made me laugh with her comment. I think suckitude and fortitude may be friends actually. Things suck, but I'm still in the game.
I am finding it hard not to be aware that the 9th, looming, my would have been due date. It feels impossible. I read about Onwardsandsideways fabulous 38th week. We got pregnant at the same time, and where she is feels like a foreign land. I ache for that possibility that truly wasn't, and for my easy projection then into this upcoming holiday time with big belly and then baby and a new year beginning with our bigger family. And it feels like a dream I had once. Not like a real thing that truly could have been. And yet, dream or not, it cuts pretty deeply, you know?
Speaking of dreams, I dreamed of babies last night, one could type and had written this whole short story in tiny question mark delimited fragments like this: One could type? and? the whole story? was in fragments?
And it was weird to read it, since I kept thinking: MY BABY WROTE THIS. I also dreamed of my last high school, of visiting for some sort of movie watching reunion thingy, having one very foamy beer (I do not drink at all in real life), getting woozy drunk, and kissing some random guy named Eric who does not actually exist, and needing to leave before in-dorms but realizing I was too drunk to drive and not entirely sure where I parked anyway. The stars were amazing as I wandered about looking for my car, that I do remember. So my point? My dreams are not all portentous. Most are just brain barf.
And now, speaking of brain barf, I feel like babbling here for a while- I guess this means I am surfacing. So this? This portends well.