12 December 2009

letting go

I am
and I am not

There is a moment we all know, when you take a step and realize the ground is not where you expected, and you hang in mid air waiting. The only thing you know is that what you thought was going to happen (or maybe even knew was going to happen) is not happening. And that, quite unexpectedly, you find yourself hanging in the great inhalation that is the in-between, not this, but not that.

I am in between. I am not where I was, and not yet where I will be going.
Letting go of my big PLAN is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. It is a death of sorts of an idea and ideal, a big dream, my heart's desire. I had a one track mind: this way, it said, go this way. Go with all of your heart and soul and energy, and I did. I new about other options, spoke about them, thought about them, but knew that I would play this one way all the way through.

And then I took a step, and the ground fell away, and here I am.

In a nod to empowerment and in not becoming victim-ized by this whole shitty thing, we've chosen not to try to do the IUI up there this month (what if I call and they say no? or if I go and they want to talk? I simply will not be able to handle it). We've chosen not to go to the meeting with the doctor on the 21st just to hear it is over in person (an added stress and heartbreak I do not need to put myself through). We're choosing to stop in a "we didn't want to be your friend either" defensive sort of way, but also in a way that lets us feel we are making the choice. We know that they are truly doing what they believe (and probably is) the right thing. But this shattered me. And so I need to do something different.

So, internet lovelies, I live in southern new hampshire. I am looking for a clinic within relatively easy driving distance that you or one of your beloveds has felt good about- DE yes, shared risk yes. Logistically we are trying to avoid cycling far away (Shady Grove) since it is going to be very hard and we are trying not have this be any more difficult than it has been or has to be. But we need a shared risk option because of the expense.

So Boston-ites, suggestions are welcome. Leave them here in the comments or send me an email icantwhistle
warnings of places to avoid are welcome too.

Thank you for your incredible support always.
Fucking IF is just one loss after another for me. And I am so so so tired of failing.

Thank you for any suggestions and recommendations. While I am not there yet, I sure as hell want to be able to hit the ground running.


Sprogblogger said...

Oh Kate, you impress the hell out of me. The ground might not be under your feet right this very instant, but I do think you're going to find your path soon. I don't know Boston at all, but you know if you want to do a NYC clinic, you've got a place to stay. You are an amazing woman, and you're going to be an amazing mother, and I'm already planning play dates in my head for our kids.

And, earlier offer stands. If you want an ear or a shoulder, I'm here, an email or a call (or a quick weekend trip down to the city to raise your spirits!!!) away.

Illanare said...

I have, obviously, no practical advice regarding clinics to share with you.

But, like Sprogblogger, I am sure that you will find your path very soon.

Thinking of you

Kacy's Ultimate Concierge said...


Eileen said...

Have you tried Boston IVF in Waltham? I am from Waltham and several of my former schoolmates have gone there and are really happy with it. Not sure if you have tried thgere yet. I don't think I ever caught the name of your former clinic.

IVF 40+ said...


I applaud your decisions to take control and find the new path. IF grief is a heavy burden but it will get less once you are on the new road. You are very brave and a total inspiration.

sarah said...

Sadly, not in your neck of the woods, but I'm sending you a big hug. Sometimes walking away from the dream is the beginning of the new dream, and as much as it rips you up,there is a chance for sunshine through the clouds.

onwardandsideways said...

Hey... just a quick thought as I head off to acupuncture... we are considering Canada for our 2nd try at this. The costs are *unbelievably* less. I'm talking the highest I've seen for a single cycle so far is around $9K. It's unbelievable how we get ripped off in this country over healthcare... grrrrrr.... let me know if you're interested in my research there.

K said...

Well...once again my dear, you do have a game plan. And it's a good one. I am happy to hear you are moving onward and skipping the IUI and the chat session. Taking control once again, is what you are doing. Because you are Kate and you are strong. Thinking of you.

Kate said...

Though the whole situation sucks, I'm also glad that you and DH are taking the reins into your own hands and staying in control. I needed to have that little feeling of power too. Hopefully some ladies will offer you good options in terms of clinics. I'm not at all familiar with the US.

irrationalexuberance said...

Kate -- I'm so sorry that this has been another heartbreaking disappointment for you, but it sounds like you and your DH have come up with a plan that has you more in control and more protected from unnecessary hurt, which I think sounds really good.

Jenn said...

Kate - sweet Kate,

Just wanted to send you some heartfelt support, love and prayers!

...holding your hand tight and your heart even tighter my dear friend!

Pundelina said...


I don't have any recommendations, just love and silly internet hugs for you. I'm so sorry this hasn't worked out the way you planned. So so sorry. I hope that one of the others has a good recommendation for you and that you find success quickly.


Elizabeth said...

Hey Kate -- I've been thinking of you all week and can't think of one single useful sounding things to say except that I'm thinking of you, and hoping for some good leads, and for some good old fashioned magic in the meantime. I'm an ear if you want. With love,

Anonymous said...

Hope you find a great clinic and they can pinpoint some niggling little thing that makes it all work. Take care sweetie.

Nic said...

Oh hun, I am sorry that it has come to this.
I am pleased that you have decided to go down this route and made the decision yourself, rather than having to have 'that' talk. As hard as this must be, hearing it from the clinic would have been even harder.
Hope you find a good clinic soon
Take care x

Michele said...

Oh Kate... I am weeping. I know what it is like to let go of a dream. And to let it go because you dont want it ripped away. And I am sorry. So sorry. You know that you are always in my thoughts- even more so now.

I am in Pennsylvania, in between Philly and Allentown. I know that is far. But, if you decide to cycle "far", you have a place to stay. We'd be delighted to have you. And I can recommend our RE, in Allentown. familyfertility.com I dont know about shared risk there, but I do know that Dr Lee is an amazing woman. It is far. I know that too. But, if you need to get away from NH and want to spend a cycle in PA, let me know. You are welcome. We arent (too) crazy.

Mad Hatter said...

My dear lovely...I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, but I also cannot help but smile to think about how a year from now you will have a beautiful, gurgling baby in your arms. Sending you lots of love and strength as you go forward with DE and yet still not completely giving up on a miracle,

Grade A said...

Dearest Kate,

Sometimes you have to take control in this shitty everything seems out of my control situation. A lot of people recommended this place to me:


It looks to be the whole package (mind, body, spirit). I ended up at Brigham and Women's just because it's closer.

Wishing you peace and clear-headedness...


Searching for Serenity said...

Taking control of your journey is empowering. I hope you can find some peace in that. I wasn't happy with the answers I was getting, so I took matters in to my owns hands. I researched our issues and looked for other alternatives. Although challenging, it was freeing and successful.

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you. We had our first snow here yesterday; small flakes and then bigger white ones floating down in the way that only snow does. It's all ice and melt this morning. We gathered in the Christmas tree. The wreath hook I set on the front door fell down and took the wreath with it. Laundry was done. A quiet day. I hope your research is coming out productive and, also, that you've had some quiet time to not be consumed by this consuming thing. Love to you,

Dirk said...

"hanging in the great inhalation that is the in-between" was timely for me. I am in the process of writing about our current state of things and have written, that if feels like I have been holding my breath for a year.

I did email you a clinic suggestion, but it may end up being outlandish.

Good luck.

Phoebe said...

I understand what it means to grieve the loss of your eggs, your genes. It felt like a death that I had to grieve too. I had to give it one more go myself to help with that process of letting go. While it was a very expensive process, I needed it in order to have no regrets about moving forward, if that's in fact what I'm doing. I guess I'm still grieving. I'm impressed that you are moving forward so quickly. I'm not sure what's in my future with DE. I do know that I'm done with my eggs, crap or not. I hope you find a clinic that will work for you!!

B. said...

Like Grade A, I ended up at B&W in Boston, but really didn't like my RE or the staff in her Weymouth office. It really felt sometimes like they were not vested in my outcome at all (with the exception of the patient coordinator, whom I loved, and the hospital staff who were wonderful... my RE never did any of my procedures). Before this IVF that worked, we were planning to look into the reproductive Science Center of New England (rscnewengland dot com). The only reason we didn't keep our initial consult appointment with them was because they wanted all the records from my RE, and I didn't want to piss her off while in the middle of a cycle. I honestly thought she might call it off or somehow sabotage things.

It's good to be taking charge and gathering information. You've got a lot of love and support behind you, and I know I'd help in any way I can.

Anonymous said...

I cycled with center for reproductive care in stratham/exeter. They use B&W for the IVF's, but the nurses in NH are amazing and awesome. B&W was fine, but it is a bit of a cattle call, since they don't know you. I did feel that the quality of care I received was good, just never worked out for us. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I live in Essex County, MA so I believe we are close. I am 34 weeks pregnant via my first IVF cycle (following 6 unsuccessful attempts at IUI and five years of IF). We went to the Reproductive Science Center in Lexington, MA. I personally have nothing but good things to say about them - I found them responsive and caring. I have very good friends who also went there and needed many IVF cycles (five before success) who highly recommended the facility to me. I don't know about payment options, etc., as I live in MA which mandates fertility coverage (and my insurance rocked) but I would definitely recommend looking into them further. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Anonymous said...

Fertilty Centers of New England helped me conceive my beautiful, devilish 2 year old daughter and I believe they have satellite offices in Southern NH

niobe said...

I've heard very, very good things about Boston IVF and one of my friends just gave birth to her second IVF baby with their help.

I've heard that they also participate in some kind of financing program, with (I think) a money back guarantee. Here's the link if you want to check it out.

Nancy said...

Hi Kate, here from LFCA, I had two successful cycles, one at Boston IVF, in Brookline (I think they have offices outside of Boston but I am not sure how they are). I also cycled at the Brigham and Woman's Center for Reproductive Medicine. I had positive experiences with both sites, I felt they were aggressive but not too aggressive with the conditioning and both very good about monitoring. Boston IVF resulted in twins for me and the CRM a singleton at 39.... Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

have been absent for a spell but wanted you to know i'm thinking of you. wishing you well down this new road you will soon embark upon. sending you warmth across this snowy path.