and I am not
There is a moment we all know, when you take a step and realize the ground is not where you expected, and you hang in mid air waiting. The only thing you know is that what you thought was going to happen (or maybe even knew was going to happen) is not happening. And that, quite unexpectedly, you find yourself hanging in the great inhalation that is the in-between, not this, but not that.
I am in between. I am not where I was, and not yet where I will be going.
Letting go of my big PLAN is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. It is a death of sorts of an idea and ideal, a big dream, my heart's desire. I had a one track mind: this way, it said, go this way. Go with all of your heart and soul and energy, and I did. I new about other options, spoke about them, thought about them, but knew that I would play this one way all the way through.
And then I took a step, and the ground fell away, and here I am.
In a nod to empowerment and in not becoming victim-ized by this whole shitty thing, we've chosen not to try to do the IUI up there this month (what if I call and they say no? or if I go and they want to talk? I simply will not be able to handle it). We've chosen not to go to the meeting with the doctor on the 21st just to hear it is over in person (an added stress and heartbreak I do not need to put myself through). We're choosing to stop in a "we didn't want to be your friend either" defensive sort of way, but also in a way that lets us feel we are making the choice. We know that they are truly doing what they believe (and probably is) the right thing. But this shattered me. And so I need to do something different.
So, internet lovelies, I live in southern new hampshire. I am looking for a clinic within relatively easy driving distance that you or one of your beloveds has felt good about- DE yes, shared risk yes. Logistically we are trying to avoid cycling far away (Shady Grove) since it is going to be very hard and we are trying not have this be any more difficult than it has been or has to be. But we need a shared risk option because of the expense.
So Boston-ites, suggestions are welcome. Leave them here in the comments or send me an email icantwhistle
warnings of places to avoid are welcome too.
Thank you for your incredible support always.
Fucking IF is just one loss after another for me. And I am so so so tired of failing.
Thank you for any suggestions and recommendations. While I am not there yet, I sure as hell want to be able to hit the ground running.