Boston

I got up in the dark and drove into the sunrise, it was so lovely and still and clear today. I saw two coyotes crossing the ice on a lake, their bodies low and their gait exact--

the sun was bright orangey red and blessedly, the traffic was really light. And I got there early.

Today's appointment was so interesting-- the Waltham office of BostonIVF is tucked into a weird road in an unexpected place, and just about as different from the Boston office as possible-- it is clean and new and pretty-- a very nice receptionist with a great smile, a talented phlebotomist (8 vials? 9? good lord), then a very nice but very very pokyjammy wand lady- my one big beef? no second screen for me during the ultrasound. what the hell. Not good. Not good at all. Hated that. I want to see, to assess, to critique. Alas.

But I waited not one second, was early, did not even sit down, was whisked in there and was out in about 20 minutes. The whole thing was dreamy and weird, been somewhere else, done this, but not here, not with you.

Funny to be at a fertility clinic rather than an OB/GYN office, in this case, the only reason any of us are there is fertility, no guessing, knowing. So your eyes skim over the other folks, heads are low, so are voices. I made a point of looking at and smiling at people. This sucks enough already to have to feel alone in the midst of folks in the same struggle.

For my next trick I do a sonohystogram the day after I get back (cd11), down at the boston office (boo), then meet with doctor O on the 11th for the consult with my darlin too. The testing covered everything for all options that include my body, so, we'll see. The results will be interesting I am sure. I expect the donor egg route will be suggested if not required, he said I'd be a great candidate when last we met. I hope I will be.

It is odd to go from 0 to 60 like this. Waiting then... whammo-- appointments and tests and go there and do this and... yeah. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm tired, but I am also curious about what will come next. I am tired of feeling sort of victimized by this process. And tired of feeling so beaten down by our serial failures. I am ready for two lines, a growing belly, a baby, a person. So, 2010, bring it on.

I will be away starting waaaaay early friday morning through next wednesday night, so if there is long quiet here, no worries. Just imagine me bundled up sitting by the ocean listening to the waves, practicing being present. And sprogblogger, just because I am away does not mean I will not be pulling for you in every second. I'm just sayin'. And Maddy? feel free to buck the odds and do this the old fashioned way. I would be so thrilled for you.

Just in case I do not post tomorrow, I am wishing you all a very very happy and safe new year.