27 December 2009

played

my period is late
and yesterday my temp was still up
way up
and my hopes? ahh my silly hopeful hopes went up too.
maybe, just maybe we'd snatched victory from the jaws of defeat
maybe we'd hit the jackpot
grabbed the brass ring
but today, my temp was halfway down and I felt my heart fall, I peed on stick for confirmation (not in the mood for ambiguity or wasted hope or whatiffing), no. Negative. And now I feel played.

I wonder at my own insanity that I would even think it was possible, that I would allow myself to get suckered in by hoping for such a long shot.
I feel really stupid. Like going on one more date with that guy who seemed to have such potential even though he never calls or does anything he promises just because maybe maybe he could turn out to be the one. Yeah, no.

I had a very lifechanging holiday but am not quite ready to talk about it. Odd how vulnerable I can feel even with good things.

And today I cried hard, had a long cathartic and insight ridden talk with my wonderful sister, and then took to the woods.
I had a wonderful metaphorical hike, want to hear about it?
It was raining here, hard sometimes, light mist others, oddly warm. We still have loads of snow, so the rain just makes it heavy and slushy, and the trail was a mishmash of running water, ice, packed snow, slush, and this double layer of thick snow crust with water flowing underneath high enough to flood into my shoes when I stepped through.

Each step I took slid backwards some, and it took so much skidding slipping sidestepping effort to get up to the overlook. I sat on a wet rock and looked out through fog, and thought about how when I'm hiking, if that way does not work, I go this way, I step over the fallen log, walk around the dog shit, walk through the high snow when the trail is too icy. It is not a crisis, it is a hike. But for some reason, in *real* life, any obstacle feels like failure or the end of the road. I need to remember to just look for the alternatives as if they are part of the process not the exception. But I get so single minded. This way, this way. But now it is all about alternatives.

My referral should be all sorted out this week, so I should have an appointment with Dr. O sometime later in January. I wish I could do bloodwork or something or anything toward whatever is next sooner than that. But I guess I am- I am making an appointment and that needs to count.

2009 sucked ass in many ways. I came across a blog I used to read back in the day, it used to be called I can't believe I wasted all that birth control and is now called Uppercase Woman. And she ends her most recent post this way:
2009? Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Amen.

14 comments:

IVF 40+ said...

I am grateful to 2009 for bringing you to into my life. You are creative, wise and oh, so supportive.
I'm sorry the last notes of this year have once again been sour. With all my heart, I pray that 2010 brings your hopes to life.
Thank you for all your support this year.
Eb

Nic said...

Amen.

Hope is such a horrible thing, it keeps us going but breaks our heart at the same time. I am sorry that 2009 has been so shit for you. Pleased that you have made an appointment, it is progress. One step at a time.
Let's hope that 2010 is a better year for us all
Nic x

Michele said...

Oh Kate... You arent stupid at all. Not one little bit. I am so sorry for this heartbreak...

Your walk sounds beautiful. Breathtakingly, painstakingly beautiful.

Sending hugs...

Michelle said...

Don't feel stupid for having hope. I'm in that same place right now... hoping against all odds. I know my body might break my heart next week, but this week, I have hope.

I agree, 2009 sucked.

Kate said...

I can't believe I got my hopes up all the times I did either, so don't feel stupid.
I sure hope 2010 treats you a lot better, and that you find a new path around the obstacles standing in the way of your goals. Beautifully written post, as always!

egghunt said...

I'm not sure if i've commented on your blog before but i've definately been secretly following you for a while.... This post of yours got me wondering if you'd jumped into my brain and stole my thoughts. I don't think there is an IF person out there who hasn't mistakingly talked themselves into thinking they were pregnant and then beat themselves up about it when the negative result came through. I'm with you on waving 2009 happily goodbye and looking forward to 2010. Although it gets a bit depressing when you've had the same thoughts about 2006 and 2007 and 2008..... Oh well, surely 2010 is THE year! Good luck and thanks for this post, it was fantastic.

meinsideout said...

I echo what EB said - glad to have you in my URL life. I hope that 2010 is better to you than 2009 - it has to be.

Eileen said...

So true! 2009 can kiss my ass. Hopefully 2010 willbe much kinder to both of us girl!

sprogblogger said...

More heartbreak on top of a wickedly-heartbreaking year is just not fair. Or right. And I'm sorry that your hopes rose, but not sorry that you can still be hopeful. You are resilient and it sure sounds like you're coping and planning and doing all the things you have to do to find that alternative and make it the best life hike you ever took.

I admire you so much, and yeah, 2009 was one bigtime shitty year. Let's pin lots of hopes on 2010 for all of us. Thinking of you, in your wild country with the snow and the fog and the mountains.

B. said...

If we didn't keep on hoping, we'd all give up. I hate that hope played you (yet again), and wish you were ending the year on a positive note. I've always been more of a look-ahead person than a reminiscer- I'm focused on the potential of 2010, not the disappointment of 2009. That's the only way I managed to get through the last few New Years myself. I am toasting you (with a warm orgeat) and keeping the hope-torch lit for you this NYE.

Billy said...

~hugs~

(word verification - huggr, so another big hug!)

K said...

I too am grateful to see 2009 out the door, for more reasons than IF. But, like the others, I am also grateful it introduced me to you. :) Hmmm...wondering about your lifechanging event. I have a guess.... :)
Here's to a rewarding 2010.

Dirk said...

I thought you did well with the hiking metaphor. Yes, alternatives. We're considering ours as well. Good luck to both of us.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Someday I would love to go on your hike with you. I would take you on my favorite hike too. At the end is the most remarkable view. We would sit at the top and drink something hot to warm our hearts and eat fresh honeycrisp apples. 2009 gave me you dear Kate. You have affected my life, made me a better person...but I am sure looking forward to 2010 and hoping it is the best year yet for us all.