04 December 2009


Yesterday began with a dark sky and hard rain and hard wind. My drive to work, the sky lightened and suddenly there was a full rainbow, bright and clear, over my shoulder. I pulled off and watched it until it was gone. The sky was changing so fast, clouds flying by, clear one moment, cloudy, rainy, clear again.
I was late to work but it was completely worth it. Before it faded, a second arch showed for a few minutes, a ghost.

So many folks are out there struggling with identity issues, wondering who are we after all of this? So many new IF moms or IF pregnant ladies feeling like their lives are lived with a foot in each boat, like each one is somehow not quite true. Oh my heart aches and I know nothing I say can make a damned bit of difference since we cannot undo our experiences. This is what we have come to know, this is the shit we have slogged through or are in the midst of.
And for all of us, I hate that we say to ourselves that we ARE infertile, instead of "having" infertility. It is as if this has become us, we have become it.

Of course "having" it means there is a chance in hell to "lose" it. (dang, where did I put that infertility? must be around here somewhere---- OH to be so friggin lucky...).

And so I ask myself:
Is that truly who I am? Infertilekate?
What about kate who laughs and runs through sprinkers? what about kate who feels her heart swell when the cat deigns to sit upon her lap? what about hot shower bliss kate? flannel sheet kate? slow kiss kate? crying at npr kate? what about kate who writes? or paints? or catches snowflakes on her tongue?
In some ways the honest answer is that I feel so darned broken, it is impossible to forget the fucking struggle, and it is a struggle almost each and every moment. And this process, fueled by running out of time, just is consuming.

But me and the rainbow? for those moments, I was not even kate, I was not infertile, I was not broken. I was just wonder and awe.


alyssa said...

kate, you are all those amazing things and then some. you're THAT woman who happens to be infertile.

i know i'm hardly maternal and didn't want children, i know i don't understand much of the longing and despair. but i know you are far more than "infertilekate".

if you are, then i am "lonely-spinster-alyssa", i am "depressed-alyssa". and i know full well that if i started to think of myself in these terms you'd come down to nyc and kick my ass. please don't make me drive to NH to kick yours!

Elizabeth said...

Magic is everywhere, isn't it? Love,

Mo and Will said...

Beautiful post, Kate. And Thank God for rainbows, no? Here's hoping we can all shake this identity of infertility and find a way to be centered even in the midst of it all.


Kate said...

Beautiful post as always. You're all of those things and more, but I understand that occasionally infertilekate puts the others in a closet temporarily. Luckily, you seem to have a knack for pulling them back out again and not letting the beast take over entirely

Searching for Serenity said...

You are so wise and deep and always give me something to reflect on. A foot in each boat is definitly where I am these days.

Nic said...

I hate that I 'am' infertile rather than having infertility. I hate that it defines me but it is a very hard way of thinking to get out of. Lets hope we all manage to lose it

just me, dawn said...

my first thought was an echo of Mo.....thank god for rainbows that allow us to step away if even for a few moments. ((hugs))

Michele said...

I wish that we could say I am infertile but that doesnt define me, but unfortunately, that isnt true. It does. It will. Always, I think.

I am so glad you saw the beautiful rainbow. How wonderful.

SassyIfLady said...

Well said. I feel the same. I'm not the same girl my husband fell in love with. So much saddness...blah. I don't have anything smart to say, but just know that you aren't alone. Rainbows rock!

IVF 40+ said...

Your words are always so revealing and thought provoking. Your creative contributions help me feel less lonely, less broken, less fucked up. Your commentary is something that I seek out and hold onto.
To me, that is Kate, no matter what happens next.

irrationalexuberance said...

katewhowrites, thank you for another beautiful post that made me smile and get all teary eyed. Because there is beauty and wonder and sprinklers and you reminded me to see them and you deserve to enjoy them to the fullest. Thank you again.

Pundelina said...

I love your perspective sweetkate. I, too, watched a beautiful rainbow the other day and was wonder and joy. I don't really think of infertile as what I am, but it is what's happened to me. And that hurts and is consuming.

Let's let our snowflake, flannelsheet, hotshower, rainbow -loving selves out to play more often. I prefer those happenings.

Sprogblogger's Mom said...

Oh Kate! You are so much more than the damned "infertility" label! I read your blog each day right after I read Sprogblogger. You are so wise and so talented in so many areas, I am in awe of you. You are soooo very special and don't ever forget that. I wish you wonders each day that
push labels right out of your mind.
Blessing & Peace

Sarah said...

sigh. i hope there are more rainbows.

Sprogblogger said...

Wishing you more rainbows and more wonder and more awe to counterbalance all the less-than-wonderful that life's been throwing at you lately. It doesn't change who you are that you're enduring this, it just makes it harder to see for a time. Thinking of you, and seconding my mother who is very wise, very compassionate, and always right. You are more than your labels, and you are deserving of more wonders and less grief. Be gentle with yourself, eh?

Anonymous said...

I feel that too, the way this IF overwhelms every other aspect of me. I am grateful (in a way) for this enforced wait I've had for the last SIX months - I have done other things, even though my next IVF cycle is looming in the background. Much as I was crushed by the delay, I'm glad I'm not cycling over the holidays. I feel calmer even though I freak out when I think how much older I am every single day. Thanks for taking the time to share you rainbow.

Billy said...

Beautiful post!