14 December 2009

stunned lull

My sweetie was brave for me today and called and canceled the Dr. appointment on the 21st. I know he spoke with our nurse. I also told him I was not able to hear that she thinks we're doing the right thing, so he has not told me about their conversation which is good. Because, honestly? I am not ready to hear almost anything at all. He did ask them for a copy of our records since our pregnancy in March and she will be sending them.

To be honest, I am not even sure what we are doing. Or if we can even do whatever it is we want. Not one thing is certain. We are not in rampant information gathering mode. We are in sort of a lull. A stunned lull. A lull where you know you need to get up and get the laundry out of the drier since it keeps buzzing but you can't quite haul your sorry ass off the sofa. Like me, right now. A lull, by definition, is not action packed. It feels nearly impossible to pick up the phone and just call, just ask, just schedule. It feels impossible to add to my summary document of our journey so far the details of our cycles since the pregnancy. I read websites and wonder if my lining was ever made with 3 stripes of anything. I never saw it, they never said. And if that is some sort of entrance exam for a shared risk DE program like the one in bedford, I am not really ready to fail again like that. So we read a little, write for information, and then sit in a stunned lull.

Thank you all for the kind words and support and suggestions. I am still not ok. I feel like shit about this and just want it to be different. Giving up, moving on...yeah. I am not sure I really can. But honestly, logistically, financially, spiritually even, maybe I have to, at least a little, at least from what we've been trying or how we've been trying.

I want to get a whole lot more energized for whatever is next, a little less defeated/deflated. I am so afraid if I even call for information I will cry.

We made plans today, fiscally inappropriate plans, to go away for a few days in January to someplace warmer and potentially sandy and salty that requires an airplane ride or two. This feels good and bad. Good because gosh darn, sandy and salty and warm? that sounds Good. Bad because of the money (modest but still).

But now I have something concrete (or sandy) to look forward to in January, and something good in February (a writing workshop and meeting friends in real life one of whom I only know through here)...

And now I am heading away for a few days of work related diversion- I travel tomorrow and come back saturday late. So if it is quiet around these parts, no worries. Yes, I am retreating, but I have the cover of a work project to lend plausible deniability.

My 10 seconds today: my moo cards came. I love half of them rather passionately. They feel wonderful-- truly, tactile lusciousness. Smoooooooth. And I decided if I waited to know who I am to declare myself, I would be waiting forever. So I wrote at least some of what I know to be the truth: I'm Kate, enthusiastic intuitive wonderer.

If we all introduced ourselves by who we Are instead of what we Do.. ever wonder what's your real title? No, not the cynical one, or the self berating one, or the one that labels your thighs or your uterus. Want to leave a few words about who you are? I'd love to hear them. Please be nice and imagine you're describing a little of your highest and best. And none of us will imagine that your three words are the whole you, we'll know the truth, that they are just a window, a peek, a little diversionary voyeurism. Feel free to be anonymous. It is kind of empowering. Try more than one.

Another of mine? Olympic level laugher


What IF? said...

Lulls can be good for processing and letting your heart catch up to where your head is. You'll know when it's the right time to make the next move.

Even though I'm not commenting as much as I used to, just know I'm here.

-What IF, adventurous explorer

Pundelina said...

Sandy and sunny sounds just right. Sad and stunned sounds awful and I wish it were different.

((((hugs)))) - massive bear hugs.

- spontaneous, curious, fast-thinker.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are going to take a little trip in January - you have been through so much. My heart aches for you

meinsideout - loving speedthinker

sprogblogger said...

God I'm so sorry this is so miserably hard. I want such good things for you, and I want them now, not at some unspecified time in the future.

Very glad you're getting away - and I think it's important you have something fun to look forward to. Salty and sandy and warm sounds like a lovely vision to hold onto for a while when things get rough.

Wishing I could do your laundry and make you toast & tea and sit quietly with you. You are in my thoughts, dear Kate, as you go through this horribleness.

sprogblogger - industrious, yearning traveler

Mad Hatter said...

I see you in a deep, quiet forest at this time, looking for the right path to take. If you need to set up camp for a while until you know whether or not you want to go through the river or over the mountain, then that's exactly what you need to do. I am glad there are some nice things on the horizon for you in the meantime.

(ferociously creative and nurturing leader)

Barefoot said...

I am so sorry you're in this place. Glad to hear that you've made some non-baby-related plans --I think any plans can be good ones when you're trying to find your way.

Thinking of you.

B. said...

Mmm. Sandy and sunny and warm sounds divine! I've never gone anywhere warm in the winter, but have imagined it and played with travel plans on various web sites many many times.

Who am I? Involuntarily instinctive optimist and literal tree hugger.

B. said...

By the way, the month is flying by and we're nearing January already. Would you like to make some post-holiday plans?

sarah said...

I was in the same place one year ago. I remember just how raw and numb I felt.
Getting accepted to shared risk for DE is based on the donor, not on you. If you have the moula, you are in.

Kate said...

I hope your fantastic sandy sunny trip is just what you need to refresh and figure out the right route to take. Have a lovely time!

Michele said...

Kate, dear... I wish I had words. I know you are beyond disappointed. It's horribly unfair. And I am so sorry.

Sending love...
(speed typing yogini)

Phoebe said...

I know when I initially thought about DE, I felt like I was giving up on myself. I had to go through another cycle to get over that. I think the lull is grieving. The nice thing about DE is that there really is no rush. You can take as much time as you need to grieve and be ok with moving on. I could have written many of the same things you have here. I'm just not quite there yet, but I'm ok with it. I know I'm grieving and when the spirit moves me, I'll take that DE plunge...or not? A trip to sandy and sunny sounds perfect. I need that myself too.

Future Mum said...

Dearest Kate, so very sad for you on this strange and convuluted journey that weaves its way into every aspect of our lives. I wish bliss and happiness and magic and wonder for you. Getting away might be just the ticket to refresh and recharge and get some warmth in the bones - we went on holiday one winter and I felt truly cosy from the inside out until spring!
It's been such a rollercoaster for you these last months, sending you warmth and light to shine in the darkest parts of your sadness.
With love Lucy - nature-loving,sun-worshipping,half-dreaming,full-mouth-laughing cat mother

IF Optimist, then... said...

First of all, please give your darlin' a big hug and kiss on the cheek from me because he is my hero for taking care of you. Perhaps it is totally OK to be in a lull right now. You don't have to be moving at a thousand miles an hour every minute. You deserve some time to be able to think and be sad or angry or frustrated.

I have no idea why our society pushes us to just wrap things up like a moronic 30 minute sitcom. Life doesn't resolve when it is convenient to fade to black, y'know? Take some time to breathe and walk in the snow and search your heart and cry and laugh and rage.

Triple stripe status, fyi, is typically managed pretty easily with the right combination of drugs. When I was on clomid it ruined my lining and I had two IUIs that were cancelled because of it, so typically a RE wouldn't proceed without some indicator of a good lining. Demand all of your records, you can probably read about it therein.

I LOVE that you have decided to find a little vacation to somewhere salty and sandy and warm. I will demand photos. ;-)

--Traci (geek, dreamer, fierce friend)

Doug said...

I love you.

robin said...

I'm a quiet follower of your journey that you express to us in your beautiful words, whether your situation is beautiful or not. I read the blogs of those who express in words what I also feel. I need that to help it feel real. I, not so long ago, hit grief. It surprised me. It goes all the way to the bones. The only thing I can say is, you will come out on the other side of it and with a certain knowledge that you only get to know by going through it. I understand this now, on this side of it. Sometimes I can reflect now, and I'm blown away by what I have learned in this infertility journey. Well... I don't have to explain that to you, Kate, full of wonder and curiosity.
Peace to you soon.

I'm Robin, compassionate, encourager, stuck (but wiggling a little now).

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I wish there was something I could do to make all your pain go away. You are in my thoughts daily and I think salty, warm and sandy sounds like a perfect respite from the lull you are experiencing now.

hugs, hugs, hugs....

Anonymous said...

Kate, I am so sorry. This is so hard and I agree, it hurts so much. You are strong for putting your thoughts and heart into the universe. I added you to my blogroll a few months ago and I will check in often. I wishing you a nice holiday away with your loved one. You deserve it. As far a good clinics , I live in Boston and really love Brigham and Women's Center for Infertility. Dr. Serucci or Dr. Ginsburg are wonderful and uber talented women. Best to you,Shell http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com

Sarah said...

i'm so sorry kate. i wish it were easier. i'm not sure this is a thoroughly appropriate comment because of course i don't have enough information to judge, but i'm sort of glad you're leaving that clinic - there have been several little things that i have questioned and i think you will be better served elsewhere, where ever your journey takes you from here.

first stop: much deserved vacation! sounds completely wonderful. tell us all about it!

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you. Thinking your salty, sandy vacation sounds wonderful and also wondering if you have snow up in the north where you are. We are all rain here and back to our normal high of 45, low of 42, winder weather. All damp, all 40s, most of the time. I wish I had something else to say -- I wish I could wave a wand and short cut this whole journey thing and wing you directly to the destination. For once, right, enough of the journey already. The scenery sucks and the food is bad and the whole thing is taking too GD long. In the meantime, I think of you and try to send peaceful, hopeful energy your way. With love,
(Pays attention, notices things, likes beginnings, always knows what time it is w/out a watch.)