Thank you all for your support and great ideas for diversions. I promise, much of the time I am tangled in work and don't have time to sit and watch my navel as I would do otherwise, and tonight I will be tangled in writing and time with a dear friend until late. Time passes, just oddly and not in ways that feel easy.
Today my heart is breaking for another Kate-- she had a surprise pregnancy after a late first trimester loss and was awash in all the tentative hope and fear that rushes up to the surface, and yesterday she learned she is facing a pending miscarriage.
When a pregnancy is lost, or when a fucking digital test gives a false positive I feel crazy sad. Grief wells and I hear my self say no no no no no. As if I was thwarted in my hopefulness. Gosh I hate this stuff.
When one of us succeeds, my heart soars-- I absolutely totally bliss out and feel that all is just and right, I feel hopeful we will all get there someday.
But once pregnancy occurs, our particular sorority tends to live ultrasound to ultrasound, who is to blame us??? What can we trust? how do we believe this could actually work out for us, after all we know, after all we have experienced, after all of our losses (expectations, identity, and sometimes hope)...Lisa is having her first ultrasound right this very moment and I am SO HOPEFUL all will be well, but I am scared for her too- I know how scared I would be if I were the one waiting and hoping and searching that screen for signs that all is well. I know that I would tack on the line "so far", in my head and heart even if all looked as it should. I hate that IF has stolen from us our ability to just be happy. To just be hopeful. To just assume everything will work out. Statistics say yes, but our lives? Our experiences? They say differently, and it is hard to look past our own traumas to see that success truly is possible.
Wishing it were easier, and, once established, wishing pregnancies just worked. What if 2 lines meant a healthy baby. That would be the coolest thing ever.
4dpo. My cell clusters? They're checking out the playgrounds and off street parking and ice cream parlors and daycare centers.... It is funny, I have complete faith in fertilization, but everything that comes after? Not so much.
7 comments:
I know what you mean. I cry every single time I read a loss. I hate also that IF has taken the innocence from us... That we go from one appt to the next... That there is never really a "safe" place. It is so damn hard.
Fingers crossed for you on this 4dpo! I cant wait til your beta!!!
We need to invent a stick that does all the testing at home for us, so we just know up front. Like your two line = healthy baby. We'd be bazillionaires!
I hope those clusters of cells find a nice resting place to stay for the whole journey.
You're so right. The stress just never seems to go away. We're always waiting for the next test, the next u/s or bloodwork, to tell us we're where we should be. We wait for AF to start before an active cycle, and she's always late. Or early. Or insubstantial and therefore maybe not really AF? Then we stim or suppress and wonder if we're responding properly, living test to test on follicle counts and e2 levels. Then the TWW gets our emotions, as well as our hormones, running everywhere out of control. Then we either start over again, or see that BFP that brings on a whole new set of worries, once again living from test to test, always fearful that something has gone wrong.
I'm wishing you tremendous success this cycle, and hoping that you see your BFP and everything falls into place so you can ENJOY an uneventful pregnancy and snuggle a healthy baby next spring.
Beautiful, bittersweet post. I will check in on Kate - that breaks my heart too. This process is just about spirit breaking too.
I do want to be hopeful. I do want to revel in just plain joy and not fear.
Reading your posts helps me do that - it reminds me that I am not alone and that it is okay to feel this way and it will be okay to put it aside and pick it up later if I have to.
So true. You've inspired another haiku:
Living on eggshells
Treading softly, carefully
Afraid to feel joy
I like your image of the cluster of cells taking a tour of the neighbourhood...Maybe my cell cluster can have a playdate with your cell cluster?
;-)
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