Thank you all for your support and great ideas for diversions. I promise, much of the time I am tangled in work and don't have time to sit and watch my navel as I would do otherwise, and tonight I will be tangled in writing and time with a dear friend until late. Time passes, just oddly and not in ways that feel easy.
Today my heart is breaking for another Kate-- she had a surprise pregnancy after a late first trimester loss and was awash in all the tentative hope and fear that rushes up to the surface, and yesterday she learned she is facing a pending miscarriage.
When a pregnancy is lost, or when a fucking digital test gives a false positive I feel crazy sad. Grief wells and I hear my self say no no no no no. As if I was thwarted in my hopefulness. Gosh I hate this stuff.
When one of us succeeds, my heart soars-- I absolutely totally bliss out and feel that all is just and right, I feel hopeful we will all get there someday.
But once pregnancy occurs, our particular sorority tends to live ultrasound to ultrasound, who is to blame us??? What can we trust? how do we believe this could actually work out for us, after all we know, after all we have experienced, after all of our losses (expectations, identity, and sometimes hope)...Lisa is having her first ultrasound right this very moment and I am SO HOPEFUL all will be well, but I am scared for her too- I know how scared I would be if I were the one waiting and hoping and searching that screen for signs that all is well. I know that I would tack on the line "so far", in my head and heart even if all looked as it should. I hate that IF has stolen from us our ability to just be happy. To just be hopeful. To just assume everything will work out. Statistics say yes, but our lives? Our experiences? They say differently, and it is hard to look past our own traumas to see that success truly is possible.
Wishing it were easier, and, once established, wishing pregnancies just worked. What if 2 lines meant a healthy baby. That would be the coolest thing ever.
4dpo. My cell clusters? They're checking out the playgrounds and off street parking and ice cream parlors and daycare centers.... It is funny, I have complete faith in fertilization, but everything that comes after? Not so much.