Today my heart is soaring for the self same Kate as yesterday's heartbreak. A freak required ultrasound at her MFM consultation yesterday showed a perfectly on time 6w1d little one plus heartbeat after a falling beta.
As if somehow this ride was not hard enough, add a liberal dose of uncertainty and craziness and magic and whoa!
I hardly know what to do with my emotions about all of that. But I do want to kick her doctor in the shin. I am trying not to rant and rail but I can see it from here, I really can.
my hair is falling out courtesy of the DHEA which I have decided to decrease until the weekend and then stop until my period. I *feel* it is the right thing even though I *know* it is ok. If I have a little one brewing I just do not want to take a chance.
So, I will go with my gut on this one.
Huh, going with my gut.
And, great writing/editing last night. This current project is a novella or maybe it isn't. I had a place I wanted to submit it that has a minimum page requirement of 150-- so I have been trying to get it to be 150 pages instead of letting it be what it is.
A few weeks back I had an ah ha, and am letting it be/become whatever it is or needs to be. What a relief! Editing is much easier, taking out the crap is easier (I am not thinking I am farther from my goal now, instead I am making it better)-- change the goal, change my life.
so, today, (admittedly after getting permission, I am not yet that evolved) I threw out some stuff that belonged to a guy I tried to date briefly and badly (he was not gentle with my heart)-- I flung it into a dumpster with a Ta Da! feeling as if I had unburdened my self in some necessary way, I fenged my shui.
So that felt like progress in every way possible. Letting go of feeling responsible for someone else's crap.
So. Ok universe. I am able to change and let go and hang on tightly and do what I think is right. Please, I may not always be decisive and may always be muddled and whatiffy, but I am ready for this, and I am open to this, and I welcome this.
Today my cell clusters are checking out the view from the back porch on a nice little bungalow that has a magnolia tree in the back yard, and a tangle of honeysuckle vines. Please, please, please decide to stay.