23 July 2009

5dpo, and a whole lot of ah has

Today my heart is soaring for the self same Kate as yesterday's heartbreak. A freak required ultrasound at her MFM consultation yesterday showed a perfectly on time 6w1d little one plus heartbeat after a falling beta.
WTF?!?!?

As if somehow this ride was not hard enough, add a liberal dose of uncertainty and craziness and magic and whoa!

I hardly know what to do with my emotions about all of that. But I do want to kick her doctor in the shin. I am trying not to rant and rail but I can see it from here, I really can.

OK then,
me?
my hair is falling out courtesy of the DHEA which I have decided to decrease until the weekend and then stop until my period. I *feel* it is the right thing even though I *know* it is ok. If I have a little one brewing I just do not want to take a chance.
So, I will go with my gut on this one.
Huh, going with my gut.
Yeah.

And, great writing/editing last night. This current project is a novella or maybe it isn't. I had a place I wanted to submit it that has a minimum page requirement of 150-- so I have been trying to get it to be 150 pages instead of letting it be what it is.
A few weeks back I had an ah ha, and am letting it be/become whatever it is or needs to be. What a relief! Editing is much easier, taking out the crap is easier (I am not thinking I am farther from my goal now, instead I am making it better)-- change the goal, change my life.
Um
yeah

so, today, (admittedly after getting permission, I am not yet that evolved) I threw out some stuff that belonged to a guy I tried to date briefly and badly (he was not gentle with my heart)-- I flung it into a dumpster with a Ta Da! feeling as if I had unburdened my self in some necessary way, I fenged my shui.

So that felt like progress in every way possible. Letting go of feeling responsible for someone else's crap.

Um
yeah!

So. Ok universe. I am able to change and let go and hang on tightly and do what I think is right. Please, I may not always be decisive and may always be muddled and whatiffy, but I am ready for this, and I am open to this, and I welcome this.

Today my cell clusters are checking out the view from the back porch on a nice little bungalow that has a magnolia tree in the back yard, and a tangle of honeysuckle vines. Please, please, please decide to stay.

9 comments:

Mad Hatter said...

Hmm. Didn't realize you were doing the DHEA thing, too. Good for you for going with your gut, and yay ahas!!! My clusters say "Hi!" to your clusters!

K said...

Labs do make mistakes.
Taking out the trash is cathartic. And I KNOW your next career is as a writer!

Sarah said...

it is all such a crazy business. best of luck to your friend Kate and to you too!

IF Optimist, then... said...

Yeah, my jaw dropped at Kate's news. I want more happy news! Good for you on going with your gut on DHEA. By now it has served its purpose. Hell ya in throwing away Mr. Asshand's crap! Fun to know the writing is moving along. An excellent way to spend the next 9 days of the 2WW.

Sprogblogger said...

I would totally decide to stay for the views of magnolia trees & honeysuckle vines!

Hope some clusters will decide to move in, too.

I'm pulling for you SO DAMNED HARD on this one, sweetie.

Thinking of you.

twoweekwait said...

Thinking of you and really hoping for you that this cycle is it. Thank you for the love and support. *hugs* it means the world.

Nic said...

I hope they are enjoying the view and decide to stick around.
Nic

meinsideout said...

My hair fell out after every single IVF cycle and even a little after the clomid. Gah.

Good luck with the writing - and good for you for clearing out the trash!

Michele said...

fingers crossed!!!