13 July 2009

ch ch ch chia

I am so excited for Lisa at Meinsideout I can hardly stand it. If you have not already done so, please go wish her well. She's gotten a positive EPT pretty early after a interminable clomid IUI cycle, and could use some cheerleading-- things are so early and scary and amazingly great and scary and.... well, you all know the drill.

And Kate at twoweekwait is wonderfully pregnant after loss as well.... a complete surprise in the midst of waiting (and waiting and waiting) for her period to come. Dealing with having and losing, fear and hope, and finding some sort of peace in this moment-- gosh darn.


I am not sure what to say about this cycle so far.
Marking time between now and Wednesday morning's monitoring session. I've been amusing myself with fears of early ovulation (it was day 12 last month)-- and stuff like that. Injections happening as they need to. I get all weirded out at the droplet of medication that leaves the syringe attached to the mixing needle's base. As if somehow that might have been the thing to make a difference. Yes, I have the IF crazies. Where worry takes on delightful new dimensions and fixations and manifestations.

DHEA makes the hair grow on my chin almost fast enough to watch. And the acne. Well now. Isn't this fun? Flashbacks to the 1980's.
But hey, at least I know it is "working" (Dr. O down in BostonIVF said side effects are a good sign)--so, while shitty in some ways, at least I know my body is taking it in and doing something with it. Maybe I'll soon sound like Demi Moore. Wouldn't that be cool. As long as I am not bald. I do not have a good head shape for that.

Last night's dreams combined monsters inc, harry potter and IVF needles. Yay for the visiting nephews.

I really am not sure where I am in this at this moment. A little off, a little sleep deprived, a little oddly disassociated, a little lonely (this part of the cycle is all about me me me)-- I am not sure.... I wish I could say I am psyched up and rearing to go! But this feels more like low level pragmatism laced with low level skepticism.

I was cleaning out some old clothes, and then pulling out some blankets for my guests and came across the mailing bags of some maternity clothes I ordered back when it was relevant. When they came the week of the miscarriage, I asked my darlin to just put them in the closet and I stupidly thought he put them in the other one. So I was blindsided by coming across them, had my emotional guard down I guess. It hit me hard. Knowing in that moment that maybe I would never get to wear them.

Gosh. I try not to count time of would have beens and anniversaries of sad things but sometimes they count themselves.
this week it's been 10 weeks since my miscarriage
next week I would have been at week 20. A halfway point. My heard aches from simply not being able to imagine it.

I hope that Wednesday makes me feel that this might be possible.


Michele said...

Hey dear... I know about being blindsided by something baby when you arent expecting it. I'm sorry. That is one of those unexpected griefs that hits out of the blue. But, I just know it- you WILL wear those close. You WILL!!!!

Ah, the joy of side effects... They really do blow... But, I guess you are right. It must mean the drugs are working.

And you arent the only crazy. I would freak out over that little medicine bubble to. I once tried to reinject myself- Peter gave me an earful about it. My normal brain knew better but IF brain... What if that little drop was THE drop???

Big hugs...

sprogblogger said...

Glad the DHEA is working - it did seem to make a diff. on the quality of my eggs, if not the quantity...

God, being reminded so viscerally of the 'what ifs' just plain sucks. WHen I had my OB scan, the machine was set to a previous pregnancy. Hey! I was well into my second trimester! Oi. No one was laughing in that room when that popped up on the screen.

Thinking of you, and wanting - so very much - for this one to be the one. Shall be stalking your blog til the big OV day. Ah, who am I kidding? I always stalk your blog...

Take care, sweetie.

just me, dawn said...

it took me a minute to get your title LOL...but thanks for the chuckle. and sending you a big hug for finding those clothes. It is really hard not to play the what if games with dates...a girl that got her BFP at the same time with me before my 3rd miscarriage is being induced tomorrow....I know I shouldn't feel bad given the miracle I have now....but i do. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Sounds like we had our losses not too far apart. I don't like counting my anniversaries for grief stricken moments but like you it often feels they count themselves.

Thanks for your mention of me on your blog :)

*hugs* I have some left over things I bought last time too.. its difficult.

My thoughts are with you. I hope your time is very very soon.

Jenn said...

....Putting my arms around you.....


Anonymous said...

Kate - my heart aches for you too. I hope that you will be able to wear them and wear them soon.

Thank you so much for the shout out - I really, really appreciate it. Also, the link to the article you sent me TOTALLY changed my world tonight, thank you - it seems like that is exactly what happened. At least I hope - that all of my hormones went crazy and are settling in.

Thanks again Kate, words cannot express my gratitude and my hope for us.

Sarah said...

low level pragmatism laced with low level skepticism sounds like the perfect approach to me! hopefulness, optimism, enthusiasm...those things do not get you pregnant, i am proof of that, so don't spend too much energy worrying about the mindset you bring to this. praise yourself instead for your excellent coping/adapting skills. it is what it is and hope and possibility will always be there whenever you're ready to embrace them.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kate, I hope Wednesday goes really well, and the counting of the yet to bes quiets the rest. Thinking of you.