ch ch ch chia

I am so excited for Lisa at Meinsideout I can hardly stand it. If you have not already done so, please go wish her well. She's gotten a positive EPT pretty early after a interminable clomid IUI cycle, and could use some cheerleading-- things are so early and scary and amazingly great and scary and.... well, you all know the drill.

And Kate at twoweekwait is wonderfully pregnant after loss as well.... a complete surprise in the midst of waiting (and waiting and waiting) for her period to come. Dealing with having and losing, fear and hope, and finding some sort of peace in this moment-- gosh darn.

***

I am not sure what to say about this cycle so far.
Marking time between now and Wednesday morning's monitoring session. I've been amusing myself with fears of early ovulation (it was day 12 last month)-- and stuff like that. Injections happening as they need to. I get all weirded out at the droplet of medication that leaves the syringe attached to the mixing needle's base. As if somehow that might have been the thing to make a difference. Yes, I have the IF crazies. Where worry takes on delightful new dimensions and fixations and manifestations.

DHEA makes the hair grow on my chin almost fast enough to watch. And the acne. Well now. Isn't this fun? Flashbacks to the 1980's.
But hey, at least I know it is "working" (Dr. O down in BostonIVF said side effects are a good sign)--so, while shitty in some ways, at least I know my body is taking it in and doing something with it. Maybe I'll soon sound like Demi Moore. Wouldn't that be cool. As long as I am not bald. I do not have a good head shape for that.

Last night's dreams combined monsters inc, harry potter and IVF needles. Yay for the visiting nephews.

I really am not sure where I am in this at this moment. A little off, a little sleep deprived, a little oddly disassociated, a little lonely (this part of the cycle is all about me me me)-- I am not sure.... I wish I could say I am psyched up and rearing to go! But this feels more like low level pragmatism laced with low level skepticism.

I was cleaning out some old clothes, and then pulling out some blankets for my guests and came across the mailing bags of some maternity clothes I ordered back when it was relevant. When they came the week of the miscarriage, I asked my darlin to just put them in the closet and I stupidly thought he put them in the other one. So I was blindsided by coming across them, had my emotional guard down I guess. It hit me hard. Knowing in that moment that maybe I would never get to wear them.

Gosh. I try not to count time of would have beens and anniversaries of sad things but sometimes they count themselves.
this week it's been 10 weeks since my miscarriage
and
next week I would have been at week 20. A halfway point. My heard aches from simply not being able to imagine it.

I hope that Wednesday makes me feel that this might be possible.