the sisterhood of the magical white pants

Yeah so... damn.

My temp is down two days now, and spotting continues.

Oh how I wanted to catch a break-- somehow have this work the easy way, the back-to-nature way, the way without injections and suppositories.

So yeah, I am feeling a little low- but eager to get on with it, get on with the next thing, the baseline scan, the injection plan. Meds await in a bin in the maybe's room.

I am pretty sure my period will start for real any moment. I am wearing light colored pants, so I figure it will happen, say, right in the middle of one of my meetings today.

A nice shout out over at Lost and Found for the Haiku blog has created a little more traffic over there and has been a great diversion.

But you know-- through the poems and my blog reading-- god it is hard to stay or be resilient.

I hate the crap that this process makes us feel about ourselves, as if we are broken, or killers, or inhospitable, or a million other self-blaming things. This part makes me perhaps the most sad.

I get it though, I do. After the last negative pee stick of the cycle, I heard myself apologizing to my sweetie, as if somehow this is my fault, my doing. As if this is my negative. It might be. Heck, it probably is. But it might (might) also be something else. But I feel as if I am to blame.

Gosh I wish we could swear at the stars so easily.

So much of this is about rolling the dice and see where they fall.

So today? Ok period, bring it on.

Let's get this cycle going.

Resilient or insane? Who's to say. I choose resilient.

I'm ready to roll again. Maybe this time I'll win.