07 July 2009

the sisterhood of the magical white pants

Yeah so... damn.
My temp is down two days now, and spotting continues.
Oh how I wanted to catch a break-- somehow have this work the easy way, the back-to-nature way, the way without injections and suppositories.
So yeah, I am feeling a little low- but eager to get on with it, get on with the next thing, the baseline scan, the injection plan. Meds await in a bin in the maybe's room.

I am pretty sure my period will start for real any moment. I am wearing light colored pants, so I figure it will happen, say, right in the middle of one of my meetings today.

A nice shout out over at Lost and Found for the Haiku blog has created a little more traffic over there and has been a great diversion.

But you know-- through the poems and my blog reading-- god it is hard to stay or be resilient.
I hate the crap that this process makes us feel about ourselves, as if we are broken, or killers, or inhospitable, or a million other self-blaming things. This part makes me perhaps the most sad.

I get it though, I do. After the last negative pee stick of the cycle, I heard myself apologizing to my sweetie, as if somehow this is my fault, my doing. As if this is my negative. It might be. Heck, it probably is. But it might (might) also be something else. But I feel as if I am to blame.

Gosh I wish we could swear at the stars so easily.

So much of this is about rolling the dice and see where they fall.

So today? Ok period, bring it on.
Let's get this cycle going.

Resilient or insane? Who's to say. I choose resilient.
I'm ready to roll again. Maybe this time I'll win.


sprogblogger said...

Yes. Resiliency is the hardest lesson to learn out of all these miserable lessons lined up to be taken in. And you are not broken. None of us are. And however many times I say it, I still know in my gut that I am messed up beyond words or anyone's ability to fix since I have such a hard time getting/staying pregnant. I know, and yet I can't let myself know.

I'm hoping for a quick, painless CD1 for you, so you can get this show back on the road. Roll away, sweetie. The nice thing about numbers is that they almost always come up in your favor if you just keep playing.

Michele said...

If you are wearing light pants, then your period is only a heartbeat away. Go sans pad for an hour and I'm sure it will come on heavy. Damn period...

I know... I often apologize to Peter for all sorts of reproductive things. IF and loss makes us feel like such rejects from the natural world. Last night, I had a mini meltdown in the midst of some serious cervical pain. Not one of my finer moments...

Sending you hugs and hope...

Nic said...

Yay for the fighting talk! Bring on the injections and new cycle!!
I often find myself saying sorry to DH for our fails. To be fair they are my fault due to my crappy body!

Elle said...

I know you are resilient. But yes, I too have done the apology thing. And felt the brokenness.

I'm sorry about this month's cycle (and even sorrier about the stuff I wasn't here for). Please know that you continue to inspire me, and I'm pulling for you.

Oh, and speaking of meds -- I don't know what protocol you're on or if you need it, but there's an unopened vial of Follis.tim in my fridge with your name on it if you want it. The expiration date is August '09, so it won't be used by me. Let me know if you (or anyone on your blogroll) could use it -- I'll just drop it in the mail with an icepack.

Sarah said...

heehee, love the funny title! i'm glad you're ready to roll, and i'll be hoping all your hopes for you that this is the one you win!

K said...

Yes, resiliency is everything. And you are so proven in that department. White pants (or planning a vacation) is always the ticket!

IF Optimist, then... said...

I know how you feel and I'm so sorry you have to put up with any of this. You told me that I didn't do anything wrong after my IVF failed. I believed you and know you are right. Please remember your sage advice to me. :-) I hope CD1 is around the corner so you can start the next part of this journey. All my best wishes. - Traci

Barefoot said...

I am hoping that things get rolling quickly, but at the same time hoping that they don't (if that makes any sense).

Love the haiku blog, by the way. Tremendous idea!

Anonymous said...

I think all of this is a crap shoot. The only guarantee in all of this is what will happen when you wear white pants.

Anonymous said...

It would be great just to have heart pounding, sweet, incredible sex with my husband and make a baby. And we cannot. It would never happen. Ever. And it has been hard to keep fighting, to keep being resilient.

You will win - we have to.

Billy said...

Hope you get your period soon.
And resilient - yes. Good that you are ready to roll again, and hopefully that will be the cycle.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Anonymous said...

You write so beautifully. I agree- we take the results of our infertility very personally.