I can't whistle: 10dpo

28 July 2009

10dpo

I am all fragile crapitude
skinned raw emotional knees, throat-choked, heavy arms and heavy hearted... feeling bruised.
5$ says it is pms
but, as I recall, to my surprise I did feel like this when I was pregnant, so maybe......

hopeful and sad and fragile and
gosh darn

a cramp like distant thunder and I thought MAYBE????

OY this stuff is NOT for the faint of heart.

14 comments:

just me, dawn said...: kate- be brave :)
fingers crossed; July 28, 2009 at 11:43 AM
Sprogblogger said...: Nothing - and I really do mean almost nothing in the WHOLE WORLD - is worse than the am-I-aren't-I? insanity of the 2ww. Hang in there. I'll be haunting your blog til you test.

Of course, I always haunt your blog, so that's nothing new.

Thinking of you.; July 28, 2009 at 11:56 AM
Mad Hatter said...: What a beautiful, visceral poem. When you can't hope anymore, I will hope for the both of us.
XOXO; July 28, 2009 at 12:08 PM
Eileen said...: I keep thinking good thoughts for you! Love your poetry!; July 28, 2009 at 12:40 PM
Eb said...: Sure there is some wise eastern poem I could quote about now. It's all so hard right now. maybe this is the flip side of a care free summer?
sending you sticky vibes; July 28, 2009 at 12:44 PM
Megan said...: Hang in there. Waiting and wondering and dreaming and preparing for disappointment is so hard. No one should be expected to do it every 28 days. sigh...; July 28, 2009 at 1:28 PM
B. said...: Hang in there, Kate! I'm hoping and wishing so hard for this to be YOUR cycle.; July 28, 2009 at 1:47 PM
Mo said...: Ah Kate, the hell of the 2ww is unparalleled. Thinking of you. And sending thoughts of peace and strength.

Mo; July 28, 2009 at 2:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Pure torture and I am sorry that you are in the middle of it. Hoping so hard for a bfp to wake up to tomorrow morning...; July 28, 2009 at 5:54 PM
Michele said...: please let it NOT be AF...

hugs and warm thoughts...; July 28, 2009 at 6:54 PM
Anonymous said...: No this stuff is not for the faint of heart. We are a brave bunch, us IF sisters. *hugs* I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.; July 28, 2009 at 10:31 PM
What IF? said...: Beautifully written, as always. You are almost through the 2ww, and facing the most excruciating part now, but I know how strong you are. You can do this.; July 28, 2009 at 11:04 PM
IF Optimist, then... said...: My brain is all mushy and angry. I just wish I had a crystal ball. I just wish...I don't know. I just want some good news for you, for me, for all. I'm off to find a good bit of music to play for you. At midnight I'll fill my heart with Wednesday Wishes.; July 29, 2009 at 1:32 AM
Grade A said...: Dante didn't even know this ring of hell...

Sending you strength and hope.; July 29, 2009 at 6:52 AM

About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.
Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.
I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."

--Abraham