13dpo

Facing my addiction:

these past few days I was away, and I left all pee sticks home and went cold turkey. It was nice to take a break from it, the crazy hopeful obsessive: How about now? No? how about now? desperately wanting to see that second line.

To be honest, I have none of those fabulously curious sensations at all in my uterus anymore, no twinges, pulls, cramps. No sore breasts. A little more than normal kate fatigue. But I have felt oddly vaguely queasy the past few nights and today a few times including gagging on my toothbrush. And queasy is not my thing. So I was hopeful in spite of the lack of mid section sensation.

but tonight

at the end of my evening hike, I discovered I was spotting just a little.

enough to feel my heart sink.

enough to feel this cycle is over.

13dpo (days past ovulation, also known as a day or two before my period)

this is the day where I got my surprise positive last time.

maybe I will be surprised again.

my darlin' works tonight so here's the deal:

I will do the pee stick thing when we talk tonight so I will share the news with him as it happens.

if it's negative, really negative,

here's hoping CD1(also known as my period, cycle day 1) comes quickly and definitively so I can move forward.

***

It's negative, not for lack of trying.