remembering how to walk.

Each season, my eyes learn something new. This spring, I learned that the papery leaves on the beech trees that last, miraculously, all winter-- get pushed off by these long spiny spiraled furls of new leaves. The old leaves are parchment. The new ones begin as dark red tips on gray brown twigs.

I walked. I walked in the woods.

In the old days, this would have been nothing to remark on. The walking I mean. The beech leaves would have been worth remarking any day.

But the walking. Remember how i used to walk? I hiked every day, or most days. I spent time outdoors every day. Sometimes in the garden. Sometimes in the hammock. But outside. looking long and far (sky and stars) or close at flowers and roots and dirt.

I walked and breathed fresh air and felt my muscles push me uphill, and slow me down on the descents.  I walked and walked and walked.

I walked.

I have missed it. OH how I have missed it.

Della and I climbed into the thicket beside the big overgrown apple tree, up behind the garage thingy that holds the tools for maintenance here at our apartment building. We made a hole through the branches of the tree, the branches of the bushes next to it, and suddenly were under the tree, a mystical umbrella of branches and sky. Oh loveliness.

Then up behind the tree into the woods.  Woods with tiny tiny pinecones. Woods with fallen branches to step over. Woods with fallen leaves. Woods filled with deer poop.  Woods that smelled like woods and dirt and life.  Up the hill toward the clearning I could feel by the light.  And to the edge of the back side of the golf course! What a surprise that was. I did not know that is where this property ended.  The rustic local course that feels like it is far away. I realize now, the roads fold back, and the clearing makes sense now that I know it. But it felt like a surprise, like I was expecting sheep up there. Not greens.  

We turned back and came downhill again, back under the tree, through the branches, and back into the small slice of grass before the parking lot.  It was a small walk, but a very big walk. I spent so much time thinking about it. How the woods have been there much longer than I have lived here (of course), and of course I look at them and look at them and look at them.  But then, that day, something shifted. The light maybe. My perspective. The woods, I realized, could be hiked through.... it was like an epiphany. And it felt *possible* for the first time. A walk! Yes, with Della. Yes, holding hands and lifting over logs and under branches, and no don't pick that up it's poo. And yes....

And up there, a beech tree. Parchment leaves littering the ground underneath, with a few still on the branches...and new furled leaves waiting.

***

Totally gratuitous Della photo and me, smiling, and leaning wayyyyyy over to compensate for the DellaGrande.  From friday at my Mom's.

100 breaths, micro meditation

Hello loves,
I recently posted this over at Heartwork, but realized we could ALL use a bit of relief, so I am cross posting it here.  I am using it every day. Sometimes only for a breath or two, but sometimes for longer, and it really does help.

There are downloadables at the bottom.

100 Breaths: Experience the power of micro-meditation

Meditation can seem mystifying and mystical…  The benefits unattainable or something that can only be attained after years of practice and patience and… well…real life (for many of us) does not include easy access to that sort of space and time.

In the same way as nearly almost any other thing worth doing (even loving and allowing ourselves to be loved), practice does indeed help. But here’s a secret: hardcore intense practice is not necessary for you to experience some very real benefits of meditation. You can do it right now. No kidding.

Ready? Don’t overthink this, just give it a go- no preparation is required.

Simply watch your next breath come in and release.

Don’t try to change your breath, or force it, or hold it, or prolong it or even examine it. Just witness it. One breath, in and out.

Try witnessing two breaths. Breathe in. Then Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Just witness, don’t change anything except your attention.

Things that help:  Closing my eyes often helps me focus, but I just as often practice this with my eyes wide open.

For some of you, it may help to listen or hear yourself count (“1”, “2”, or say “inhale, exhale”). For some of you it will help to watch each number float in during the inhale, and float away during the exhale. For some, feeling your way around a string of beads or knots will help.

Mind wandering? Getting lost? If you lose track, don’t panic. Just begin again at some number near where you think you left off to go wandering.

I find that I often exhale, yawn, or sigh around breath #9.

When I find my mind has wandered off (and it always does), I just bring it back to witnessing my breath, choose a number close to where I think I wandered off… and just simply come back to counting.

A gentle invitation: Today (right now?), start with one breath or two. See if you feel some unraveling, some release, or maybe a moment of unexpected quiet.

Next time, try witnessing ten breaths.

Each time you return to this practice, add a few more breaths—maybe 5 or 10… By the time you reach 100 breaths? Congratulations! You will be doing 10-15 minutes of mystification-free meditation.

Here's a link to a downloadable version of the piece.

And here is a link to an audio file.

 

copyright 2013, Kate Johnson

www.kate-johnson.com

LOVE, with ears.

brain yoga

In spite of the weather, I'm having a rather wonderful weekend.
I'm really enjoying the campfire workshop over on Heartwork.
If you're interested, here's a link to the opening campfire post from Friday night. Trying new things (without an obvious downside) feels really good to my brain. Like a brain yoga class.

It's not too late to check it out. And it is free. And really surprisingly fun.
As an added bonus, there's a funny video featuring a cameo of Della.
Hope you'll stop by.
(While you're there, check out the Retreats tab-- something exciting coming soon there too!!!!)

I-me

Flurries today, little snowflakes flying in all directions, sunshine one moment, clouds the next... but it is warmer all of a sudden, and there is just the faintest breath of wind.

I feel like I have my feet more underneath me today- feel more gathered up than broken down.

I know so many of us have written about this, how new grief so often brings up old grief, and sadness begets sadness. It is easy to get lost in it. Undertow.

Instead of resisting this time, or pathologically searching around for pockets of unhealed hurt to poke, I just leaned into it with compassion, yes, I said, yes, I know, I know. This *does* suck. That did suck. There is pain and there was pain.

And for once, the knots loosened instead of tightening.

I am an avoider of pain. I hate pain. I know, most of us are.
I am an avoider of things I do not want to be true.
I have no peace with the fact of loss. Except, maybe, this time. This time there was something to feel peaceful about, a bigger loving over arching something that said, no more suffering.
And this is as true as I can know it to be.

***

Now I want to write about Della for a moment, how she refers to herself as I-me.

I-me
I-me do it.

Covers a lot of bases.

She is into big time possession mode-- things are hers, not to be shared, and sadly missed when gone. These things include things at daycare so it is more than awkward.

She is dreaming now, and tells us her dreams sometimes.

When she wakes, she often says things about the previous day as if we are in mid-conversation.

Yes, we are still co sleeping.

Yes we are still nursing. Weaning will happen when we're ready, or when one of us is. And right now, we just aren't.

She is magnificent.  She is fierce and determined and funny and bossy and tender.
Nice boots mom!
Good job dad!
She pats me and my heart melts.

I cannot believe her immensity ever wasn't here, being, visible.

Today in my new groundedness, I am able to look up and see the snow falling down, in no way linear, back and forth, crisscrossing, meandering, no rush....
and am trying very hard to imagine embodying that kind of non-effort, even for a little while.

crazy good

Just back from a weekend in Maine to celebrate our almost two year anniversary! I can't quite believe that, but to celebrate, we asked our amazingly gifted and talented friend and life photographer Susan Mullen to do some family photos up at the location of the wedding.

It was a day almost completely unlike our wedding, it was so warm! No rain/snow!  But so very beautiful. We played around and she took photos in the windy wild grasses, and, well, the results are amazing.

CRAZY GOOD.

Please stop by her blog to see more and and say hello.

this morning

Our real life. 

nose, grindstone, chocolate, attachment, photos

Yes, well, right then. Where were we? Oh yes.
So here's the thing: I created a scenario where I now have 4 jobs, 4 bosses, and have found myself to be a wee bit flat out crazy. I get on here (computer that is), work in a frenzied sort of way, go get the little one, have our short but intense evenings, then do it again, until fridays where I am not on here much, the weekend too, then begin again.  I feel very unsettled, unconnected, disconnected, and fragmented. And I am not UNHAPPY but I am not feeling I am doing all that well either.  So incredibly happy/grateful to be employed (let's just see how gratitude can be a mixed blessing shall we?)

But grateful means it is hard to say no- because what if no one ever asks me to do work again?  WHAT THEN?  This is very much old katestuff, the stuff of who would want to date me? You? OK THEN! (not a great dating strategy)

So, I am sitting here in a self imposed time-out.
I've eaten about 300 chocolate chips to ward of dementors, and am trying to just figure out what to do. I figured out what to do in this moment:  write.  And then, when I am done, I am switching projects for the day, moving onto something else, and will return to what I am feeling thwarted by tomorrow.  I stopped, called my sister, talked, chocolated, pumped, thought some more, and then Felt My Way toward this interim solution.

I know, you probably are here to hear about Della.  She is wonderful- magnificent. Moody, funny, silly, smart as hell, delightful, and a miracle I keep discovering and I cannot believe my luck.
We are, however, not sleeping well. I am emotionally all tied up in knots about making any changes since I feel so attached to what we are doing/ trying to do, because this closeness matters to me so much. But like so many things, when I hang on to something with desperation, it usually blocks any possibility of anything else happening, even good things, or maybe, especially good things. So. Yeah. I witness. I imagine either I or the universe will know when it is time to make a change. Until then, shit sleep and witness.

We saw our amazing friend Susan Mullen this weekend on a night away to Maine. She took photos of us in the diner, and then outside in the near dark of twilight, and somehow found light inside of each of us.  Check out the amazing photos she posted on her blog.  Here's one:

Seriously, she is insanely talented.

Hey, if you're around this weekend, stop in over at www. thatplacewego.blogspot.com-- I am going to be doing a creative intention weekend, (holding the intention to do Something(s) creative) and would love companions on the journey.  Stop by, comment, have some tea.   This life is a bit like running back and forth along a teetertotter trying to balance.  Perpetual motion rather than stillness. I will be doing something heartwork-wise this weekend, I will.

peachy

Hello folks!

I invite you to stop by my other blog, heartwork, starting tomorrow afternoon for a chance at a giveaway-- a few free passes to Beginning: the journaling e-workshop I hope to be running the weekend of the 16th. Come by and comment, and I'll be either giving the free passes to all of you (if there's 3) or three of you if there's more.

Of course, if you are already blogging, you have this journaling thing down. But.... if you're interested, please stop by.

******

On a baby note, we had a great ultrasound on tuesday- baby looks perfect, and, get this, the placenta has moved a little!... so, we'll look again in a month.

The doctor I saw is one of the ones I like most, a little more cautious, a little more informative, a little less kneejerk sunshine and roses. But he was really positive, not necessarily about the placenta about which he was cautious, but in general. My contractions (blessedly) have still maintained their slower pace (Baby Steps, I hope yours have too! And I hope you are finally past 24 weeks!)

I am tired though, deeply-- but that also has to do with life stuff. My boss told me this week that not only did he decide to cut my benefits (after saying he wouldn't) but also that my job will not be there for me when my "maternity leave" is over come January-- basically I'll be using up all of my accrued vacation and then... no job and no safety net. (He said I was always welcome part time but then would categorically not specify what part time meant). It was a shitty conversation. So I am scrambling, panicked, trying not to be or feel or, more importantly, act desperate.

I'm working my network slowly, starting with folks who know me best. Trying to use enthusiasm or interest as a barometer for what jobs to seek.

I'd just like to say how much I hate this confluence of emotionally charged events-- this wondrous miraculous pregnancy, and this shitty work situation. I am feeling really overwhelmed, like I'd like to be able to step aside from the job issue for now, but now I can't. I had been trying to do just that, I'd decided to deal with the 4 days and pay cut and figure it out later. But now, I have three months to get something ready for "after" (or sooner) if at all possible.

So, this week? Blessed beautiful baby news, and work shite. And tiredkate.

But tomorrow, friday, is My day. I have two appointments and much to do, but it will be at my pace.

Tonight once I got home, I sat out on the stoop and looked at the glorious garden-- I garden like this: there is a sparse area, I find a hearty perennial I like, plant it, water it once or twice, and then... it becomes part of the garden if it so chooses. The garden is surprisingly lush considering my hand's off approach, and tonight, as the sun set, big fat bumble bees were bumbling around the huge mound of catmint, and I have coneflower in bloom already (not usually until August!), and everything just looks so great. Yes, there is a sparse area that needs attention sometime, but that will have to wait. I chose to focus my attention elsewhere.

The cat has spent the evening at the front window yowling piteously for a neighbor cat that sometimes braves our big woods to come and visit.

And the windows are all open, fans are on, air is moving

and I have the taste of fresh peach in my mouth from one I thought I needed to put in the compost, and just at the last minute decided to bite in and see how bad it was--

totally

astonishingly

quintessentially

lusciously

peachy.

recipes for happiness

a walk early in the morning, that was so great, I turned around and did it again...

cool breezes during the walk, enough so long sleeves were in order...

a home made iced decaf soy chai latte served to self with straw...

a very smart momma who taught me early on to close a house on a hot day, pull the windows down (I have no shades or curtains), and the house will stay cooler. I did, it did. It probably saved my life today...

two paintings that came out as if they'd been waiting...one that I love...

cleaned paint brushes drying in a jar by the sink, paints still on the table, I don't think I'm done...

a day of peacefulness- no chaotic need to Do or Accomplish or Achieve...

a whole book read in a day....

a cat who wanted to snuggle in spite of the heat...and for a while lay across The Belly while the baby moved around...

two servings of the best possible gluten free peach crumble (it started its life as an attempt at pie, and, well, you know.... crumble happened)...

a cool evening, windows thrown open, fans on, all new air....

sitting on the stoop talking to my sister, who, two states away, was sitting on her deck...solace in sharing the same evening...

another walk, this one slower, but a walk...blessed movement...

a thrush singing right now in the woods as night falls...

independence day indeed.

meeting in the middle

Sometimes you meet someone and it feels as if they are already familiar to you, a missing piece, some sort of recognition, some easy meshing of gears, yours to theirs. Words just spill and silences feel like comfort or possibility not like awkwardness.

Last night I got to meet someone I've liked for a very long time--long ago in the strange place that is the internet, I had stumbled on her blog somehow and found the most remarkable, honest, amazing, beautiful writing.

As I told her, her writing almost always knocks me flat and leaves me breathless-- Maya Stein was in town and we shared a couch and an hour of truly wonderful conversation--

I am lucky in that I do not get star struck exactly, I get almost the opposite-- star avoidance?

But Maya invited me, and I said yes. And as I walked barefoot and brave into the house, I found she is real and present and just simply wonderful to spend time with. I feel really lucky.

She's going around the country starting in September, taking her 10 line tuesdays work/play on the road for readings and workshops. I encourage you to keep your eyes open for a workshop or reading near you--I promise you, I promise, it will be worth it.

Thank you Maya!

22 weeks

22 weeks.

It was a day of contractions and wiggles and kicks and a nice long walk and a nice long lunch with a friend who is simply easy to be with... I laughed hard which was great, and it surprised me that it felt so unusual. I am a big loud laugher. And I guess the stresses of the past few weeks have made that a whole lot less likely, less easy- more of a surprise.

When things change, when I am in an uneasy transition like the one I have with work, I often lose touch with the parts of me that I like best. My big loud laugh, for example.

And I also lose touch with the things that help me feel grounded, help me stay present and centered, things that make me feel good. It's as if, in the melee, I simply forget what I know.

So today, time spent outside in the fresh air surrounded by trees, breathing, moving, talking.. and oh yes, laughing....

it feels so good to remember.

FIREFLY

yes, singular, firefly.

One that flashed 4 times right outside my window, then rose, flashing in 4-flash dashes, repeating it once more as it crested the roof line, and was gone.

The first of the season and so early!

Pure magic.

fear, lightness, resonance

Sometimes it is easy to lose track of what is important, what works, what makes us happy. When we are all tied up in knots the things that work sometimes escape us. Sometimes it is the easiest thing- a few slow deep breaths, 10 seconds of beauty, a moment of pure attention, curling up on a sweetie... sometimes it is a complicated journey, we eat this, we stretch, we stay still, we fret, we wonder, we pace, we still don't remember what calls us, what works for us, what brings our pieces together, gathered in our hands like pie crust.....

Yesterday I was asked to decrease my hours, this is both a blessing and the most fearful thing ever. It is also hard to hear I am not indispensable after 12 years even though I know it to be true. I started with relief (not laid off!) moved toward possibility (what else can fill this space?) and moved rather rapidly toward a quiet panic, seeing dominos of what ifs and oh shits and holy crap and finally fear and sadness settled rather heavily in my solar plexus.

So today I am trying to let it rest, let it be. Let the surprise and my responses move toward whatever is next, and let the universe help me guide myself toward what makes me happiest.

In the quest for lightness I am heading down to my sister's for a family party to celebrate our pregnancy and elopement...

and

I will leave you with these two beautiful things--

3191 is a lovely blog, always has been... image feasts and delight and yesterday's post is such a great reminder to do what works

and

Maya Stein, a favorite writer, has done it again. Just when I needed a message... read down to the bottom of the current piece (dated May 13th) and see if it does not strike you as it struck me. Resonance.

lightening

I wanted to share this very different take on failure-- both the perception of it, and the fight *not* to internalize. Karri is a painter, but I think this holds true much more largely- and the final part of her post is something that made me go ahhhhh.

So, in my questing for lightness, once again I am coming back around to creativity as something that lightens me. Oh no, not always. A bad writing day, a block, or feeling of overwhelmedness, or a painting that looks entirely unlike what was intended and therefore categorized as "shit"-- these are not lightening moments, but the mere act of partaking in something creative, even if it ends badly is still a kind of soul food.

But these soul feeding things are often the first things I put aside when I am overwhelmed. (Why do I do this??)

Today I had enough energy to clean the toilet, and the bathroom floor, and the sink, and do dishes and laundry (two loads), start to change the bed, vacuum the little rug, flip the sofa pillows, and then I had this moment of realizing that I might be pulling out of the big deep trench of Fatigue- and... if so... maybe this makes possible a return to some of the other things I let go while I was in mere survival mode.

I am excited actually, feel a little jazzy at the idea of cracking open a paint jar or finding the last version of the novel that is so-close-to-done.

And I am thinking again about balance. It is not built in, we must build it. It is so easy for the weight of the day, my work, the long hours, to eat all of my energy and leave nothing for the other half of my brain and the near entirety of my heart.

I LOVE the idea of saying Ok, this isn't working. I'll just paint it over and try again. But how often do we do that? I fiddle, I muck, I poke and prod and smear and fuck it up more and more and more and get more and more upset as it moves farther and farther from what I wanted.

What if I sit still for a moment. Take in what is. Decide what I want to do from here and say, can I Make this Become what I want? Or do I need to do something different?

Sometimes the answer will be one, sometimes the other. But the idea that sometimes putting something aside, or getting out the big brush for a cathartic wash, this feels freeing to me today.

Boo!

So I made some big life affirming changes here at i can't whistle-- I added a ticker, yes, a pregnancy ticker (two actually)-- added the word pregnant to the header and to the about this blog blurb... and

yeah

starting to imagine a halloween baby.

I felt something this weekend, a tickle, the faintest trace of something. Right in the place I know he/she is. I imagined I imagined it, then I decided to embrace the possibility that maybe I was in just the right position, maybe I was the right kind of still, the kind that is present....

and since then, once or twice, a sensation, not a gas bubble or a colon spasm, but a touch, a tiny elbow maybe in the midst of a water balloon.

I want to be present for this magic. I want to be able to stop and soak it in.

***

Sucky things about surviving (or so it would seem) this infertility journey, is that folks vanish. Which I TOTALLY GET. But I miss them. It is hard, but I have been someone who vanished too- But this time, unlike last time, something is really different. This time, for some crazy reason, I do not feel apologetic. I am feeling lucky and grateful and astonished. And I wish on anyone the same miraculous outcome, preferably while finances, soul, partnership are all intact. I just wanted to acknowledge this. Surviving without guilt. I am ok with that, but completely surprised.

***

I want to share something beautiful and dreamy-- a link to hula seventy's blog. She is a photographer, but also a very kind and present and real person. Our paths crossed in real life very briefly once, but I was struck by how she felt to me... what is the word... integrated? synchronized? harmonious? these are not quite right-- she felt (to me) as if her parts were all aligned. Anyway her recent work feels wonderfully airy, dreamlike, ethereal...

I am wanting to bring more joy in, more lightness, more air-- I get heavy with fatigue, with work stuff, with all the things I worry about or should be attending to... what I crave is lightness.

So as I find things that strike me, I will bring them here to share. It will help affirm my quest.