13 May 2010


So I made some big life affirming changes here at i can't whistle-- I added a ticker, yes, a pregnancy ticker (two actually)-- added the word pregnant to the header and to the about this blog blurb... and
starting to imagine a halloween baby.

I felt something this weekend, a tickle, the faintest trace of something. Right in the place I know he/she is. I imagined I imagined it, then I decided to embrace the possibility that maybe I was in just the right position, maybe I was the right kind of still, the kind that is present....

and since then, once or twice, a sensation, not a gas bubble or a colon spasm, but a touch, a tiny elbow maybe in the midst of a water balloon.

I want to be present for this magic. I want to be able to stop and soak it in.

Sucky things about surviving (or so it would seem) this infertility journey, is that folks vanish. Which I TOTALLY GET. But I miss them. It is hard, but I have been someone who vanished too- But this time, unlike last time, something is really different. This time, for some crazy reason, I do not feel apologetic. I am feeling lucky and grateful and astonished. And I wish on anyone the same miraculous outcome, preferably while finances, soul, partnership are all intact. I just wanted to acknowledge this. Surviving without guilt. I am ok with that, but completely surprised.
I want to share something beautiful and dreamy-- a link to hula seventy's blog. She is a photographer, but also a very kind and present and real person. Our paths crossed in real life very briefly once, but I was struck by how she felt to me... what is the word... integrated? synchronized? harmonious? these are not quite right-- she felt (to me) as if her parts were all aligned. Anyway her recent work feels wonderfully airy, dreamlike, ethereal...

I am wanting to bring more joy in, more lightness, more air-- I get heavy with fatigue, with work stuff, with all the things I worry about or should be attending to... what I crave is lightness.

So as I find things that strike me, I will bring them here to share. It will help affirm my quest.


Nic said...

Yay to the ticker and the title.
I cant believe you have had a few sensations, how exciting!!
October will be here before you know. Remember to enjoy every moment! I want to hear about them all.
Nic x

sprogblogger said...

Hurrah for embracing this. And yes, movement is the fun part of all this, as far as I'm concerned.
Thinking of you every day.

karen alonge said...

love the tickers, and pregnancy in your header.

I bet you did feel the quickening. I remember that first flutter -- wondering if I was imagining it. And then once it became absolutely clear that I was feeling the baby move, going back through my memory and realizing that's exactly what I had felt back then. such a miracle!

really enjoyed hulaseventy's blog, especially the lists. she does sound present and real -- just like you.


Kate said...

Thanks for adding the tickers so I can blog stalk you even better!
Lucky you to feel movements so early. So happy to hear it. It's great till the rib kicks and cervix punches start. :)

Elle said...

Boo to you too! :)

My due date was Oct. 29, and I was kind of worried about having a Halloween baby (not my fave holiday). He ended up being born Nov. 10, so not even close... :p

Still here, and rooting for you all the way. How wonderful that you're feeling those twinges -- trust yourself on them; I'm sure you're right about what they are.

Michele said...

I love your ticker. I cant wait to send a halloween baby gift! :)

I am so happy for you, Kate. So very happy.

tireegal68 said...

love your ticker! I am inspired!
I am due OCt 28th and hoping for a halloween baby!
Glad you are enjoying the pregnancy and I'm super excited about those twinges you are feeling. Someone on my BBC board said she felt them at 14 weeks!

Anonymous said...

woo hoo!!!!

Sprogblogger's mom said...

Your little one is giving you sweet
'butterfly kisses', his/her way of saying "Hi Mommy...I'm here and I am real". So ENJOY, Dear Kate. Bask in the glory of this wonderful sensation
that you will never,ever forget.

Love, Sarah

Anonymous said...

Most who leave, come back. I don't think apologizing for getting pregnant does anybody any good. This was the goal, revel in it!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Sarah here.It says "Your baby is urinating now" on your ticker. That is so funny!

linda said...

The sensations you're feeling must be so exciting! It somehow makes it all the more real. I am so excited that each time I visit something new and thrilling is happening for you!

What IF? said...

How miraculous to feel your little one move inside you. It is the most awe-inspiring thing to watch an ultrasound screen and simultaneously see and feel the movement. It all becomes so very real in that instant when you connect with them physically.

Love the tickers and well, you know, I'm partial to Oct. babies. :)