starting to imagine a halloween baby.
I felt something this weekend, a tickle, the faintest trace of something. Right in the place I know he/she is. I imagined I imagined it, then I decided to embrace the possibility that maybe I was in just the right position, maybe I was the right kind of still, the kind that is present....
and since then, once or twice, a sensation, not a gas bubble or a colon spasm, but a touch, a tiny elbow maybe in the midst of a water balloon.
I want to be present for this magic. I want to be able to stop and soak it in.
Sucky things about surviving (or so it would seem) this infertility journey, is that folks vanish. Which I TOTALLY GET. But I miss them. It is hard, but I have been someone who vanished too- But this time, unlike last time, something is really different. This time, for some crazy reason, I do not feel apologetic. I am feeling lucky and grateful and astonished. And I wish on anyone the same miraculous outcome, preferably while finances, soul, partnership are all intact. I just wanted to acknowledge this. Surviving without guilt. I am ok with that, but completely surprised.
I want to share something beautiful and dreamy-- a link to hula seventy's blog. She is a photographer, but also a very kind and present and real person. Our paths crossed in real life very briefly once, but I was struck by how she felt to me... what is the word... integrated? synchronized? harmonious? these are not quite right-- she felt (to me) as if her parts were all aligned. Anyway her recent work feels wonderfully airy, dreamlike, ethereal...
I am wanting to bring more joy in, more lightness, more air-- I get heavy with fatigue, with work stuff, with all the things I worry about or should be attending to... what I crave is lightness.
So as I find things that strike me, I will bring them here to share. It will help affirm my quest.