09 May 2010

dancing with reality

I imagine a ballroom dance class
in which reality has some upper hand/prior knowledge/innate grace
and I am all left feet and tight hips and self conscious insecurity. I am blushing and awkward and gawky.

Now out of the first trimester, my nausea has vanished (praise the gods/goddess/all-that-is), the fatigue is still profound but easier to understand. I've come to know it now, fight it less, realize when I am done in and try to honor that...

but there is this BABY inside me. I can hear it-- the magical doppler and I have a 10 second date every night, I find the heartbeat, listen for just a few seconds, and turn it off, reassured, and yet...

I am having trouble truly grokking the reality here people.

I was very used to the Quest and all that came with it. I am not used to success. And it is all new, all wondrous, but also a little dislocated. I absolutely revel, but I feel like I am reveling in a dream. My big big belly (sprogblogger apparently got ALL the boob magic, mine are just like mine always were,which is to say, largely (or, more accurately, smally) unremarkable)-- the big belly says something is happening. No chance for regular pants. Belly be band does not cover the whole undone zipper unless I wear it down over my entire nearly non-existent ass, so I am in maternity pants.

I "know" I am pregnant. Had a normal OB appointment last monday right before my trip. Normal normal normal. And
holy crap. normal?

But I feel-- well-- astonished and not quite believing yet.

Today I am at 15 weeks.
15 weeks.
that means 13 weeks ago this little one began in a dish in Waltham MA.
this coming wednesday marks the day we began this trip in tandem.
And yet, I cannot quite believe it.

Most folks say when I can feel it move it will become more real to me. Some folks say it is never truly real real because it is so BIG and unfathomable.
I will be (always) curious to see how this unfolds for me.

Today my darlin' gave me a mother's day card.
Last year, this time, I was recovering from my friday-before-mother's day D&E and was reeling with the grief of miscarriage.

I cannot believe my luck.
Apparently this is more than a turn of phrase. I know I am still waiting, hoping, making deals with whatever gods may be listening... as if this might not be real, as if it might not work out. And yet I know with all of my heart, that I would be destroyed by that. I guess I truly cannot quite yet believe my luck.

The trip was exhausting but I got to see some friends I do not ever see. Usually business is all business, but this time, I made time for dinner with friends-- one I had not seen in more than 4 years, the other almost as long.
Since I was in the neighborhood, I blew kisses to Elizabeth and K and Traci. I loved being in the same time zone as all of you.

But now, I am tired- need to nap or rest or read. I need to clean and organize too but will do that in small bits. Action and rest interleaved. At least I can do some where a few weeks ago I could do none. Progress.

My next pregnancy related appointment is the 17th for the second bloodwork of the sequential screening-- that's next monday I guess? Then 5 weeks until our anatomy ultrasound, where we will hopefully NOT find out the gender but will learn that everything looks perfect.

Again, I feel like I am talking about someone else. The ideal kate. The one who groks this. The one who can dance.


Anonymous said...

I am so happy for you.

I am in awe looking at these babies - and amazed when I think of the six week ultrasound where we saw the flickering lights that was their hearts...

Nic said...

OMG, 15 weeks! That is amazing! I am so so pleased for you.
Its good that the sickness had stopped. Hopefully the tiredness will get better for you.
Not long for your next scan. I hope they tell you everything is perfect.
Must be so amazing to hear the heart beat every night!
Keep enjoying this pregnancy as best you can. You deserve this, esp after all you have been through.
I cant express just how happy I am for the both of you!
Take care
Nic x

sprogblogger said...

Yay! Happy Mother's Day, you! And yeah, for me, at least, it totally felt more real once I could feel my little one bouncing around in there.

Sorry you didn't get the boobage out of this. :) There's still time, you know, (and heaven knows if there were a way to share the wealth you & I'd BOTH be happier!)

So pleased everything is going so well. I'm thinking of you each & every day.

Jamie said...

Thinking of you today, sweet Kate.

Kate said...

Wow, someone else who knows the word grok? I knew you were awesome!
You need a new ticker on there hon. I can't translate 91dpo to 15 weeks pregnant very easily. So happy you have safely made it this far. I'm looking forward to hearing about the wonders of your anatomy scan in a few short weeks. Glad you're feeling well and are reassured daily that the wee one is thriving.
Happy Mother's Day!

tireegal68 said...

I didn't know the word grok, but I did it!
I am with you!
I have a really hard time knowing that there is a baby in there. I bought a doppler but have not had the guts to use it yet- in case I can't find the heartbeat.
We're both 15 weeks - and yes, it's unreal. But I am rooting for you in a big way and hoping that all the next milestones and finally the feeling of movement - will be somewhat reassuring!
Do you have a tummy yet?
I do but I was fat before and have a huge fibroid so I think that' s not real either!

K said...

Welcome home and congrats on the 15 weeks and the passage of nausea! Hope to catch you on one of your next trips to the left coast! ;)

Eileen said...

YAY for 15 weeks!!! I have to tell you that even now that my babies are moving, I still have a hard time grasping the reality of the situation. Maybe for us things won't be real until we are actually holding our gorgeous babies in our arms in the fall. So incredibly happy for you girl! Can't wait to hear about your next appt.

Anonymous said...

:) yay for 15 weeks.

for the record? i was in denial my entire pregnancy. and i still am to some extent. where did these kids *come* from???

Billy said...

37 weeks and still can't believe I have a baby in me :-).

And yay for exiting the first trimester!

Michele said...

happy mother's day!!