15 May 2010

100 days

100 days
that is how long I have been pregnant. 100 amazing scary wonderful wondrous miraculous days.

I was thinking back to the first time I tried to inject myself with the damned lupron, not having any idea what to expect...not knowing how I could possibly do it. not knowing if I could possibly do it- finally, in despair and defeat, resting the needle down on my belly and just praying it would somehow do it itself. And it did. Somehow, the needle just went in. No dart throw, no jab, just sharp needle entering bellyflesh, and it was over. And this chapter of my journey began.

I expected it would work.
And then it didn't. No eggs retrieved, god that was awful-- all of that for nothing. Nothing.
Try again. IVF converted to IUI. I was crushed. Sobbed my way through the IUI. And then, we were pregnant. It felt impossible, was nearly so, shocked us, shocked the doctor. We saw two sacs. But one heartbeat. I remember how insanely happy I felt, how incredibly sad I felt. And I remember how I felt when we learned we had lost the pregnancy. How I felt looking at that ultrasound screen. How I knew I KNEW I would never feel the same way about an ultrasound as long as I live. And it's true, I haven't.
And then all of those cycles, trying trying trying trying trying failing failing failing failing failing.
And then
100 days ago, some miracle happened. And here we are.

This weekend a perfect stranger asked me when I was due.
Holy shit people.
Apparently I turned the corner from suspected carb addict to pregnant lady. praise the gods.


sprogblogger said...

Oh hurrah! Isn't that a wonderful feeling, knowing that your baby is becoming obvious to the world? So happy for you!

Anonymous said...

Amazing - I have tears in my eyes for you - ((HUGS))

Searching for Serenity said...

I remember at 20 weeks a friend saying "You don't even look pregnant." My heart sunk. I was so anxious and excited to finally be showing. It wasn't until 27 weeks that people in the office took notice.

So to be experiecing that attention so early must be very exciting! Exposing your swelling belly with the world. Showing it proudly because you've worked so hard for it. Dammit, you deserve it.

Michele said...

happy 100!!!

Kate said...

How fantastic! The big ultrasound issn't far off, which for some reason when irrational miscarriage thoughts left my head. Glad to hear all's well!!

Eileen said...

Isn't it awesome when people start recognizing the pregnancy? So excited for you girl! Can't wait to hear the sex of your miracle. YAY for reaching 100 days!

linda said...

Congratulations on 100!!! How exciting that others are noticing and making it all the more real. :-)

Elizabeth said...

And here you are. 100 days is a lot of days; it's so joyful to see this unfold for you. Please know I read everything and think of you often, daily. Enjoy, enjoy. With love,

DaisyGal said...

this is a beautiful post, yes I can only imagine how wonderful you feel right now, 100 days in and people asking about "when". HAPPY, wonderful days!