100 days

100 days

that is how long I have been pregnant. 100 amazing scary wonderful wondrous miraculous days.

16w2d.

I was thinking back to the first time I tried to inject myself with the damned lupron, not having any idea what to expect...not knowing how I could possibly do it. not knowing if I could possibly do it- finally, in despair and defeat, resting the needle down on my belly and just praying it would somehow do it itself. And it did. Somehow, the needle just went in. No dart throw, no jab, just sharp needle entering bellyflesh, and it was over. And this chapter of my journey began.

I expected it would work.

And then it didn't. No eggs retrieved, god that was awful-- all of that for nothing. Nothing.

Try again. IVF converted to IUI. I was crushed. Sobbed my way through the IUI. And then, we were pregnant. It felt impossible, was nearly so, shocked us, shocked the doctor. We saw two sacs. But one heartbeat. I remember how insanely happy I felt, how incredibly sad I felt. And I remember how I felt when we learned we had lost the pregnancy. How I felt looking at that ultrasound screen. How I knew I KNEW I would never feel the same way about an ultrasound as long as I live. And it's true, I haven't.

And then all of those cycles, trying trying trying trying trying failing failing failing failing failing.

And then

100 days ago, some miracle happened. And here we are.

This weekend a perfect stranger asked me when I was due.

Holy shit people.

Apparently I turned the corner from suspected carb addict to pregnant lady. praise the gods.