after an insanely hard journey, Mo and Will have their little one, outside into this big world, in their arms, a healthy baby girl.
I am over the moon for them, stunned and awed by the beauty and magic of this.
thank you, universe.
24 October 2012
22 October 2012
19 October 2012
wolves
last night i dreamed of wolves.
one, in the yard, advancing toward me in spite of the noise I was trying to make, the menace I was faking.
I was just simply scared, but all of my fear filled and desperate arm waving and yelling made no difference.
it came closer and closer, so close, finally, it put its muzzle in my hand, and then we stood there in the doorway, me, stroking the soft fur of this fierce and fearless wolf
it was thirsty so I invited it in.
not much later I turned to find my house was filled with wolves.
fat ones and skinny ones, big ones and small ones. ones with spots.
***
today is rain and dark after yesterday's glorious everything.
light! oh, the light this time of year, low and slanty, setting hillsides into glow as a million million oak leaves turn color from brown to every kind of gold and berry.
fog lifting from every waterway
then high wispy clouds
today is very dark and flat and close
by 6am the sky was not even pretending to lighten
so I've turned on my christmas lights and am sitting in their glow, trying to gather myself for my day.
work has not been working, not as I've imagined it might.
I realized I took a detour this summer, a detour into imagining alternatives that never coalesced into actionable identifiable directions. so now, several months into the detour, I am returning with panic to what I am already doing, gathering myself, trying to define, refine, communicate.
there are many inherent delights in this mosaic of different work for different people-- lots of stimulation, smart people, ideas, projects to wrangle. but there is fatigue in it too. switching so often from project to project means no sustained push, no immersion, and no sustained connection with co-workers. and there is loneliness in it too: I'm feeling lonely, I guess. A part of many somethings but apart from them too....
A new creative project for a friend feels like a deep breath.
But I still need to re-organize my other work, and figure out how best to balance everything in a way that makes sense. I've got all sorts of wolves circling.
the best thing about the dream last night was that it meant that I was sleeping after several nights of anxious waking.
one, in the yard, advancing toward me in spite of the noise I was trying to make, the menace I was faking.
I was just simply scared, but all of my fear filled and desperate arm waving and yelling made no difference.
it came closer and closer, so close, finally, it put its muzzle in my hand, and then we stood there in the doorway, me, stroking the soft fur of this fierce and fearless wolf
it was thirsty so I invited it in.
not much later I turned to find my house was filled with wolves.
fat ones and skinny ones, big ones and small ones. ones with spots.
***
today is rain and dark after yesterday's glorious everything.
light! oh, the light this time of year, low and slanty, setting hillsides into glow as a million million oak leaves turn color from brown to every kind of gold and berry.
fog lifting from every waterway
then high wispy clouds
today is very dark and flat and close
by 6am the sky was not even pretending to lighten
so I've turned on my christmas lights and am sitting in their glow, trying to gather myself for my day.
work has not been working, not as I've imagined it might.
I realized I took a detour this summer, a detour into imagining alternatives that never coalesced into actionable identifiable directions. so now, several months into the detour, I am returning with panic to what I am already doing, gathering myself, trying to define, refine, communicate.
there are many inherent delights in this mosaic of different work for different people-- lots of stimulation, smart people, ideas, projects to wrangle. but there is fatigue in it too. switching so often from project to project means no sustained push, no immersion, and no sustained connection with co-workers. and there is loneliness in it too: I'm feeling lonely, I guess. A part of many somethings but apart from them too....
A new creative project for a friend feels like a deep breath.
But I still need to re-organize my other work, and figure out how best to balance everything in a way that makes sense. I've got all sorts of wolves circling.
the best thing about the dream last night was that it meant that I was sleeping after several nights of anxious waking.
18 October 2012
Blog-to-book, save 10%
Want to make your blog into a book?
I am sure there are some platforms that will work better than others (it looks, in fact, like it is a blogger-only-thing), but, here's an opportunity to save some money if you'd like to give it a try.
I am not an affiliate, and I have not done it myself, so this is just FYI.
I got their permission to post this here because I think so many of us pour our hearts out in the blog world, and it is worth considering capturing that content in some other form for posterity.
The process is super easy and you can preview before ordering, so there is no downside in checking this out.
I am sure there are some platforms that will work better than others (it looks, in fact, like it is a blogger-only-thing), but, here's an opportunity to save some money if you'd like to give it a try.
I am not an affiliate, and I have not done it myself, so this is just FYI.
I got their permission to post this here because I think so many of us pour our hearts out in the blog world, and it is worth considering capturing that content in some other form for posterity.
The process is super easy and you can preview before ordering, so there is no downside in checking this out.
12 October 2012
shifts
The sudden onset of CM this past week, the kind you dream of when trying to conceive in your 40s, is making me feel, well, like shit actually.
I have not had a period since Della, except what I thought was one right after she was born (about 6 weeks after). Somehow, indications that it might be imminent made me feel so incredibly sad, not PMS blue, but existential sad... a mark of leaving this particular part of my journey maybe, very reluctantly leaving her babyhood, the specter of re-entering hormonal wackitude....
My periods have always been painfully intense and troublesome and I have not missed them one bit. But more than that, I have not missed the hyper awareness of The Cycle and my focus on where I was in my cycle at any given time and what it could possibly mean for our attempts at family building. I have not missed that perpetual obsessive awareness, that compulsive and acute awareness. That particular way of marking time, especially the cliff-drop connection of time passing to mid-40s infertility, well,
yeah.
I have not missed it at all.
So.
I've also been having trouble with my guts again, after a long stretch of miraculous calm.
The Miraculous Calm came about after quitting gluten and dairy. I have had so few episodes of IBS in the past 3 years I could count them on two hands. But lately, things have shifted so I have been having more and more trouble.
This has knocked me down more a few pegs too-- nothing has impacted my life in a more limiting way than IBS. No, not my introversion. Not my fear of public speaking. But my IBS. It sucks rocks.
Of course, the return of the mucous, and the return of the IBS may be related-- hormonal shifts cause all sorts of collateral shifts in other body systems and functions.
But I immediately cut my diet back down to the bare minimum. Anything I suspected as a trigger is gone for now (except my one cup of pretty dilute tea). So no chicken, no turmeric, no carageenan. None of my beloved Udi gluten free bread (it has traces of corn in it, a known trigger for me).
Yes, things are *calmer*, but I am hungry. Hungry mostly to be able to stand down, and to once again believe and trust that I am back into a remissiony stage of this thing.
In a further attempt at rebalancing, I got myself to my beloved acupuncturist this week for the first time since Della emerged.
Taking action like that made me feel that I was doing something to make a difference, to take back control. The IBS blues shifted ever so slightly, and I seem to be tolerating my new digestive enzyme supplement well (always a surprise; I suck at supplements).
But the CM blues, those are in full complicated swing, and differently symbolic, hugely messed up and tangled with IF and my age and.... so those I need to learn to be compassionate about, even while I want to kneel on it and force it to shift via the sheer force of intellectual override.
I'm starting to suspect that intellectual override = unicorns
I'm just sayin'.
I have not had a period since Della, except what I thought was one right after she was born (about 6 weeks after). Somehow, indications that it might be imminent made me feel so incredibly sad, not PMS blue, but existential sad... a mark of leaving this particular part of my journey maybe, very reluctantly leaving her babyhood, the specter of re-entering hormonal wackitude....
My periods have always been painfully intense and troublesome and I have not missed them one bit. But more than that, I have not missed the hyper awareness of The Cycle and my focus on where I was in my cycle at any given time and what it could possibly mean for our attempts at family building. I have not missed that perpetual obsessive awareness, that compulsive and acute awareness. That particular way of marking time, especially the cliff-drop connection of time passing to mid-40s infertility, well,
yeah.
I have not missed it at all.
So.
I've also been having trouble with my guts again, after a long stretch of miraculous calm.
The Miraculous Calm came about after quitting gluten and dairy. I have had so few episodes of IBS in the past 3 years I could count them on two hands. But lately, things have shifted so I have been having more and more trouble.
This has knocked me down more a few pegs too-- nothing has impacted my life in a more limiting way than IBS. No, not my introversion. Not my fear of public speaking. But my IBS. It sucks rocks.
Of course, the return of the mucous, and the return of the IBS may be related-- hormonal shifts cause all sorts of collateral shifts in other body systems and functions.
But I immediately cut my diet back down to the bare minimum. Anything I suspected as a trigger is gone for now (except my one cup of pretty dilute tea). So no chicken, no turmeric, no carageenan. None of my beloved Udi gluten free bread (it has traces of corn in it, a known trigger for me).
Yes, things are *calmer*, but I am hungry. Hungry mostly to be able to stand down, and to once again believe and trust that I am back into a remissiony stage of this thing.
In a further attempt at rebalancing, I got myself to my beloved acupuncturist this week for the first time since Della emerged.
Taking action like that made me feel that I was doing something to make a difference, to take back control. The IBS blues shifted ever so slightly, and I seem to be tolerating my new digestive enzyme supplement well (always a surprise; I suck at supplements).
But the CM blues, those are in full complicated swing, and differently symbolic, hugely messed up and tangled with IF and my age and.... so those I need to learn to be compassionate about, even while I want to kneel on it and force it to shift via the sheer force of intellectual override.
I'm starting to suspect that intellectual override = unicorns
I'm just sayin'.
06 October 2012
reality, and the fine thing of being home
it turns out that 3 days = eternity
badly timed air travel and a crappy hand pump meant my first experience of engorgement on the way to las vegas (holy moly, how insanely uncomfortable)
remembered everything I hate about pumping
wore my bathing suit at a very crowded pool for about 20 minutes, simply out of principle
did not sleep nearly enough, and no where near as much as I do here.... very bad...
did virtually no appreciable inner work with the exception of some brief on-bed yoga (no, not a euphemism, sincerely, yoga on the bed, as the rug was wayyyyyyy too gross) and some Reiki infused meditation.
Some great meetings and progress business-wise, and some very nice connections with people as people. My boss took me on a long crazy walk the first evening/night through miles of casinos, and then the next evening I spent hours with a dear friend in nearby red rock canyon (glorious) followed by the single, hands-down, exquisitely best meal of my gluten free existence. (Japonais at the Mirage)
But the place? Yeah. Not so much. I pretty much hated everything about las vegas; you can have it. Excessive excess, to the point of obscenity. I hated the smoke, the cloying air freshener, the sounds, the lights, the crowds, the too much of everythingness. As a HSP I really had to gird my loins and dig deep and observe while taking in as little as possible. The people watching was stellar, I must admit, but it was hard to even do that with just so much sensory flooding.
Arrived home bone tired in a way that made my usual everyday exhaustion look like nothing, and am right now off to bed at 8:02. I am just over my last bug and Della has a new one, so I feel doomed.
I want to write more about lots of things, my belly's recent and unnerving unbalancing act, my amazing almost-2 Della, work stuff, life stuff. But sleep needs me (or, really, I need it) more than anything else right now. So off I go.
Just so happy to be home.
badly timed air travel and a crappy hand pump meant my first experience of engorgement on the way to las vegas (holy moly, how insanely uncomfortable)
remembered everything I hate about pumping
wore my bathing suit at a very crowded pool for about 20 minutes, simply out of principle
did not sleep nearly enough, and no where near as much as I do here.... very bad...
did virtually no appreciable inner work with the exception of some brief on-bed yoga (no, not a euphemism, sincerely, yoga on the bed, as the rug was wayyyyyyy too gross) and some Reiki infused meditation.
Some great meetings and progress business-wise, and some very nice connections with people as people. My boss took me on a long crazy walk the first evening/night through miles of casinos, and then the next evening I spent hours with a dear friend in nearby red rock canyon (glorious) followed by the single, hands-down, exquisitely best meal of my gluten free existence. (Japonais at the Mirage)
But the place? Yeah. Not so much. I pretty much hated everything about las vegas; you can have it. Excessive excess, to the point of obscenity. I hated the smoke, the cloying air freshener, the sounds, the lights, the crowds, the too much of everythingness. As a HSP I really had to gird my loins and dig deep and observe while taking in as little as possible. The people watching was stellar, I must admit, but it was hard to even do that with just so much sensory flooding.
Arrived home bone tired in a way that made my usual everyday exhaustion look like nothing, and am right now off to bed at 8:02. I am just over my last bug and Della has a new one, so I feel doomed.
I want to write more about lots of things, my belly's recent and unnerving unbalancing act, my amazing almost-2 Della, work stuff, life stuff. But sleep needs me (or, really, I need it) more than anything else right now. So off I go.
Just so happy to be home.
01 October 2012
3 days
ok, to be fair, it will be closer to 4 days
but
for sanity's sake: 3 days away from Della. 3 nights.
My first time away from her for the night EVER.
By away I mean, away at all...
Except one night many months ago that Doug slept with Della until 4am in the living room.
I am getting reacquainted with the pump.
I am getting reacquainted with separation anxiety (MINE)
I am getting reacquainted with feelings of vulnerability, fragility, uncertainty, worries...
I am interested to see how I do-- travel to a different time zone, sleeping alone instead of our co-sleeping, the weirdness that is inherent in travel... business stuff, networking, grown up shoes.
But the time away? Oh. Heavy heart.
As if perhaps she will forget me.
Or find out that this really was a dream after all.
***
In search, I mean support, of my sanity, I will be using travel time to sleep if possible, journal, read, do some projects that include a kind of focus that the internet and a baby do not inherently support.
I fly through atlanta to las vegas ferchrissakes
and back by dinner on thursday.
Hoping for smooth sailing, good inner work, minimal tears, sleep, sufficient food and an opportunity to wear my bathing suit in an actual pool, for more than one minute.
but
for sanity's sake: 3 days away from Della. 3 nights.
My first time away from her for the night EVER.
By away I mean, away at all...
Except one night many months ago that Doug slept with Della until 4am in the living room.
I am getting reacquainted with the pump.
I am getting reacquainted with separation anxiety (MINE)
I am getting reacquainted with feelings of vulnerability, fragility, uncertainty, worries...
I am interested to see how I do-- travel to a different time zone, sleeping alone instead of our co-sleeping, the weirdness that is inherent in travel... business stuff, networking, grown up shoes.
But the time away? Oh. Heavy heart.
As if perhaps she will forget me.
Or find out that this really was a dream after all.
***
In search, I mean support, of my sanity, I will be using travel time to sleep if possible, journal, read, do some projects that include a kind of focus that the internet and a baby do not inherently support.
I fly through atlanta to las vegas ferchrissakes
and back by dinner on thursday.
Hoping for smooth sailing, good inner work, minimal tears, sleep, sufficient food and an opportunity to wear my bathing suit in an actual pool, for more than one minute.
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