0, Week 40 (wow)

I posted a free mini journaling exercise over at heartwork yesterday- yup, FREE. Go take a look if you've been interested in checking it out. It's about fear.

My night wakings had lots of pressure, some new back sensations, and much big peeing (yay--worth getting up for)- and this morning I slept in. Dreamed almost solely of work... and now I am still so tired and it is still so soft and dark outside I may try to sleep a little longer and perhaps dream of something else (please dreamgods).

Week 40, just like that.

I cannot believe it, would not have bet this little one would have waited, and here we are- amazing.

-1

So today is a day of acupuncture with my favorite needle guy.

Spotting continues but it is the old brown of insult or injury not the new pink/red of hmmm something happening.

I started to focus my worry on induction- sometimes when I am scared about things (plural) I find a piece I can focus on that seems to embody the whole thing, and that is where my attention starts to settle and coalesce.

But in this case there are two worries, right? one is induction which I hate even thinking about (see point 1 above)

and the other which eclipses all else, is the worry that something bad will happen. More in a moment.

So yeah. After a pep talk with my sister I feel vaguely better- and have the beginning of a plan.

For my sanity MAYBE, we are thinking that if monday's check is fine, MAYBE in spite of my induction fear we will MAYBE ask for an induction at the end of next week. Otherwise all I will do is worry that Something Bad Will Happen to the baby between now and birth and folks? I cannot handle that.

I may change my mind a million more times, but to have the ghost of a plan makes me feel like I am doing something, saying to the universe that I am ready, and I need to avoid calamity.

So

I called my acupuncture guy yesterday afternoon and set up an appointment that I will leave for shortly

and he will see me again monday, then every day until the baby comes however that unfolds. Perhaps the best use of credit card plastic I can think of--

Emily Erin asked about the nursery--I have a photo I cannot find at the moment.

This little house came decked out in brightly colored interior paint-- pea green hallway, purple baby's room, kitchen with pea green and Yellow, living room pumpkin, blue bedroom... not much room, but high ceilings and bright colors and it felt like falling into a crayon box when I saw it.

So the baby's room began as "the purple room"-- a dark purple so dark it was midnightish--so we lightened it up by half, painted the trim white and I started buying art from Etsy to try to tell the universe I was ready for a baby (this was as we began "trying"). Time passed- the room filled with garbage/storage stuff.... we excavated, and began again. Repeat.

The room is now ready-- filled only with baby stuff- a bassinet that my mom slept in, some shelves that Doug made, Target bins, art, and space for the desk/changing table that Doug is making. We also have a crib waiting in the mudroom closet, and a fold up sleeper thingy we will use by the bed in our room.

I'll find the photo sometime and post it.

But now? Must run and go get needled.

It is a gorgeous day. I hope to walk.

-2

Sorry for the delay--all is well here.

first, go send love to a very scared Mo-- she deserves a fear free ride, but is not being allowed that yet.

So in this neck of the woods, the baby looks great on ultrasound (biophysical profile) with adequate fluid-- 8lbs+ already. Yowza.

And my cervix was checked which really and truly sucked ass- almost not able to stand it-- only a finger dilated and very soft. Baby quite high still as of that moment. And spotting ever since (as expected).

"They" say that the cervix check can sometimes urge things along-- but nothing is a given except I really don't think they'll let me go too long. I sure would like to avoid induction. We go back monday for all the same fun unless by some miracle I deliver this weekend.

Might post again later when I can think-- right now just hungry and tired.

-3

2 guys are here ripping shingles from the roof

unsubtle symbols of transformation

ungentle

necessary

eventually good

but right now all thundery thumping and hammering, pieces falling in front of the windows, things coming apart before then can be put back together-- this time the right way please...

And last night, the moon! Oh, the moon, a half but bright as full, it traced a path high across the sky casting shadows all during the second half of the night- and I was sleeping when the clouds came back. This morning is wet and gray and still, foggy, but starting to glow as the sun is trying to break through.

I could go with imagery of things falling apart, hidden damage, or things obscured,

or

I can revel in transformation, in light, in the beauty of shadow.

Guess which way I'm headed?

Raspberry leaf tea sweetened with honey cooling in a tall mug, and a day of work ahead, I'm ok.

-4

It is the weirdest weather today- beyond warm plus dark and rainy...

all surfaces sticky with moisture in the house

steamy

I am in a t-shirt, jeans and bare feet...Yesterday's big tired persists today- but I am giving myself permission to move slowly.

Last night when Doug got home, we walked to the end of the road and back-- phew! my belly felt like it weighted a million pounds (not its usual) and me? one big braxton hicks contraction (or so it seemed) the whole way. I was thinking it meant something, and it probably does.

It means things are getting ready to get ready.

Cat on the windowsill

me, here, and a day of research ahead of me (which I really enjoy)-- so, if I can settle into that, all will be well.

(Weird how some days I feel impatient, and others, I just feel like my more usual me)

PS Emily Erin--you can email me at icantwhistle at yahoo dot com BUT for goodness sakes, comments make me happy! no need for stuff!

-5...

So, wow, only 5 days until our estimated due date...

So, sometime in the next 12 days, we'll meet our little one.

You all were so kind in sending notes and comments about my worries yesterday- none are WORRIES, you know, except for the ever-present calamitous ones. But they make up some seriously unhelpful babble that makes me feel less and less ready, less and less competent. And really, I just need to let go, and get on with being/doing and less time worrying/thinking/speculating (ahhh not so easy to do though, eh?).

One new source of worry is that the baby is moving less big movements and that is freaking me out a little, but I know it is getting tighter in there, trust me, I know. It is quieter for longer, but then, it treats me to a few minutes of intense total bladder knocking baby-frenzy or alien movement. Right now, it is pressing up and down at the same time, and that makes me very happy.

My darlin' updated his blog last night if you'd like to hear his take on all of this. Even though we talk and talk, it is always fun to see what he has to say since it always gives me a little extra insight.

Progress? I had some very regular extra tight braxton hicks contractions last night for about an hour, then gone. Some pinchy cervix stuff that came and went, and today I feel like crap again, Very tired, iffy belly, just wanting to go back to sleep. And, in fact, I may give myself permission to do so.

(NOVEL IDEA)

But, because I am kate, I am going to give it a little while first; I'll finish my tea and to see if my fog lifts.

And now, back to work.

-6

So last night I realized that maybe, just maybe, it is time for this baby to come since I am starting to do things like creating some sort of free floating wildly far-reaching and far-fetching worrystorm-- worry about being a mom, how I will deal with my very changed and changing body, what clothes if any might fit me, learning to take care of a little one....

Shit, I am even starting to worry about labor (oddly, mostly about poo-control and associated stuff like that)...

I realized it will be so much better to deal with What Is, rather than All I Worry About-- since "what is" is bound to be a smaller set of things than my expansive and creative whatiffing...and there is power in being-in-the-moment which is completely diffused when worrying about All That Out There In SomedayMaybe Land.

So with that: Baby, I now invite you to come out and play. I will not be *more* ready two weeks from now (except in the beg-the-doctor sort of way)-- so bring it on. I am so curious to meet you! (Who is this little one???)

I love being pregnant more than I can possibly say. Yes, even in spite of the hemorrhoid I accidentally named and now cannot un-name. I feel lucky beyond measure, but I also know that I will not stand down, drop my pregnancy-worry, until this little one is on the outside.

And then? Ohhhhhh a plethora of things to worry about that are new and different!

Cold and perfectly insanely still outside. Yellow leaves, dark woods, glorious tea and sweater day. I am bundled up, and very very very happy to be working from home.