... was the first complex sentency-thing uttered by the insanely adorable Della yesterday morning. Asked, earnestly, while holding her foot up to my mouth, you know, in case I did not *get it*.
I realized I need to document a few things here, otherwise they'll get lost-- like she cannot yet make the k sound... inserts t instead.
Blat instead of black, for example.
She is all about body parts, today's review included her showing me her calves, knees, and asking again and again what her heels are called. She often wakes up, and immediately begins a review of recently learned ideas and words. Amazing.
She is also able to fill in words in songs now, twinkle twinkle little (tar)
***
life LIFE is so big right now... crazy moments of ill timed and stunning computer crashes, quick decisions, of plans and unplans, and replans, and plans to plan and chucking the plan and just making stuff up.
It is about adaptation right now, survival-mode adaptation, with a bit of jaunty glee. Sleep deprivation, necessity, mother of invention, of pushing through anyway, of whittling down though some of the extra stuff, making course corrections again and again and again, like walking a maze in the dark.
I am making work changes, check out www.kate-johnson.com for updates. I am pretty excited about bringing my best workstuff forward a little more, make it more visible to the world. I also have to do it in bite sized pieces of time. Again, not waiting until, but doing it anyway, in the space I have, in the time I have... a very different kind of choice than I would usually make.
Usually I want to know what the plan is.
I want to have one.
I want to minimize my exposure by either staying invisible, or being damn sure all my ducks are in a row before I reveal anything, especially things close to my heart.
But this time, DOING not planning, and boy howdy, how exhilarating! Scary and interesting, feeling my way through.
My poor busy brain would have me say otherwise, but really, this is so much more about feeling than thinking.
I am used to my heart taking sort of a back seat work-wise, and it is so cool to have it starting to lead. But my poor brain is not quite ready to just hush up and make things happen.
I almost imagine a stubborn ox pulling the cart. The heart says GO GO GO, and the ox-brain says, now wait a minute. Let me eat something. Or nap. Or go over here instead. Or are you sure? Really sure?
And I imagine fear as a little rat, nibbling the reins.
And sometimes the rat outsizes the ox.
27 June 2012
25 June 2012
spam creativity
In order to encourage comments, especially from mobile devices, I turned off the captcha "prove you are a human" thing that makes you type in characters gleaned from a drunken etchasketch. Now I get spam comments, so I guess my plan *worked*, albeit, not quite as imagined.
Anyway, in general these new comments are silly ads, and clearly so. Sometimes though, I get something a little different.
"If the lace while in the most embodies ideal enchanting female, then transparency s really a blatant temptation, like falling into mortal wizard lumber species deep fascination. "
Anyway, in general these new comments are silly ads, and clearly so. Sometimes though, I get something a little different.
"If the lace while in the most embodies ideal enchanting female, then transparency s really a blatant temptation, like falling into mortal wizard lumber species deep fascination. "
20 June 2012
solstice
Sheets up over windows and windows shut tight.
It is due to be insanely hot today, tomorrow. Without AC, we manage by tucking in, holding in the cooler night air for as long as possible, holding off the direct sunlight.
Solstice feels so fitting right now. It is a wildly transitional time for me-- I'll share more soon, but professionally I am making some good but scary shifts, some good and surprisingly focused choices, and doing some really exciting exploration for potential collaboration.
Della is amazing-- comes home filthy from playing outside every day... new words every moment. Excellent pronunciation on hard words, and garbled-della-speak on easy ones... so many surprises. She is starting to hold my face and look at me directly in my eyes when she thinks I have not heard her-- Oh! it is lovely. I almost want to play that up, it is so tender.
She is suddenly calling me Mommy instead of Momma (sad kate) and calls herself Me, and knows what Mine is. She knows she is Della. She also says "I".
June 15, 2012 was the day of WHY. Why? She asked, and asked again and again and again and has not stopped. And so, it has begun.
She is mobile and fearless, wanting to climb and slide and swing and jump. She cannot jump yet, but tries. She dances and sings to herself, and gets into little tunes and repeats words (upanddown) as songs.
She loves being outside, wants to go on many walks. Wants very badly (just like momma) for wild animals to come and play with her, and is bereft when they run away or fly away.
She loves Llamas.
We have a farm we visit, and it is wonderful.
This weekend we'll head to Maine to see Doug who is up for the season.
We're managing days by having a rhythm, aided by Elmo (praise Elmo)-- I am clean because of Elmo.
She has lunch because of Elmo. It is amazing how fast I can shower.
She hates baths, specifically, hates water running down her body. Will not get in, so sponge baths are the thing. She now has so much hair that it takes for-ev-er to wash it this way (damp washcloth instead of water)....
She loves stepping and splashing in puddles, ponds, lakes, streams (WTF???) so I hope there's hope.
We are still nursing, she shows no sign of slowing down here partway through month 19.
We are still co-sleeping, because it works.
This past weekend I visited the Putney School where I went for 2 years way back when... it was reunion weekend, but not for my year, so it was safe. I flew under the radar, saw my dear friend Alyssa, and Della had a blast not needing to be hand held. Out she went into a field with a bunch of other kids (all much bigger), and I will post a photo (wee speck on right of group is BRAVE INDEPENDENT DELLA.
Independent
Brave
Unaware of being either. She just IS.
Oh, I have so much to learn from this fierce little teacher of mine.
It is due to be insanely hot today, tomorrow. Without AC, we manage by tucking in, holding in the cooler night air for as long as possible, holding off the direct sunlight.
Solstice feels so fitting right now. It is a wildly transitional time for me-- I'll share more soon, but professionally I am making some good but scary shifts, some good and surprisingly focused choices, and doing some really exciting exploration for potential collaboration.
Della is amazing-- comes home filthy from playing outside every day... new words every moment. Excellent pronunciation on hard words, and garbled-della-speak on easy ones... so many surprises. She is starting to hold my face and look at me directly in my eyes when she thinks I have not heard her-- Oh! it is lovely. I almost want to play that up, it is so tender.
She is suddenly calling me Mommy instead of Momma (sad kate) and calls herself Me, and knows what Mine is. She knows she is Della. She also says "I".
June 15, 2012 was the day of WHY. Why? She asked, and asked again and again and again and has not stopped. And so, it has begun.
She is mobile and fearless, wanting to climb and slide and swing and jump. She cannot jump yet, but tries. She dances and sings to herself, and gets into little tunes and repeats words (upanddown) as songs.
She loves being outside, wants to go on many walks. Wants very badly (just like momma) for wild animals to come and play with her, and is bereft when they run away or fly away.
She loves Llamas.
We have a farm we visit, and it is wonderful.
This weekend we'll head to Maine to see Doug who is up for the season.
We're managing days by having a rhythm, aided by Elmo (praise Elmo)-- I am clean because of Elmo.
She has lunch because of Elmo. It is amazing how fast I can shower.
She hates baths, specifically, hates water running down her body. Will not get in, so sponge baths are the thing. She now has so much hair that it takes for-ev-er to wash it this way (damp washcloth instead of water)....
She loves stepping and splashing in puddles, ponds, lakes, streams (WTF???) so I hope there's hope.
We are still nursing, she shows no sign of slowing down here partway through month 19.
We are still co-sleeping, because it works.
This past weekend I visited the Putney School where I went for 2 years way back when... it was reunion weekend, but not for my year, so it was safe. I flew under the radar, saw my dear friend Alyssa, and Della had a blast not needing to be hand held. Out she went into a field with a bunch of other kids (all much bigger), and I will post a photo (wee speck on right of group is BRAVE INDEPENDENT DELLA.
Way out there, fine, happy, away from me.
Brave
Unaware of being either. She just IS.
Oh, I have so much to learn from this fierce little teacher of mine.
18 June 2012
a prayer for the grieving
Losses and losses oh, the internet is so hard sometimes.
I feel like I am reeling from it all, dizzy with it.
I can say this: I am honored and humbled, lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky, and even in the hardest possible moment at the 7pm confluence of fatigue poisons and tantrum, there is nowhere I would rather be than here, with Della.
With so much sadness, I won't spring into an update on Della just yet. That will wait.
I just wanted to send my version of prayer out over the internet to all of those grieving unimaginable losses, and all of those who live each day watchful, waiting, imagining the worst, fearful of what could happen.
I feel like I am reeling from it all, dizzy with it.
I can say this: I am honored and humbled, lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky, and even in the hardest possible moment at the 7pm confluence of fatigue poisons and tantrum, there is nowhere I would rather be than here, with Della.
With so much sadness, I won't spring into an update on Della just yet. That will wait.
I just wanted to send my version of prayer out over the internet to all of those grieving unimaginable losses, and all of those who live each day watchful, waiting, imagining the worst, fearful of what could happen.
04 June 2012
reiki and remembering
This past weekend I took a reiki class. Reiki 1 and 2.
Like so many things, it seemed to come up into my awareness almost accidentally (I've know about it, and thought about it, and put it on my list of things to explore)-- and one day about 2 weeks ago, I had a moment, looked at my list, and looked up Reiki training, New Hampshire, fully expecting nothing.
And Voila.
A Master practitioner, living TWO TOWNS OVER, holding training at her home June 2 and 3 and offering a discount for taking both levels and yes, there was room for me.
ok then.
I want to tell you that my sister was going to join me and there was GREAT JOY in my heart at the prospect, then she couldn't for a reason that she could not control so someday we will have a sister gathering, or getaway, or something, so my heart can feel fulfilled by that oh-so-tantalizing-Almost.
The training was intense in that it took somewhat singular focus for 8 hours two days running. It was intense in that I was around 20 people I did not know in a room a bit small for the number and the variety. It was intense in that I did not realize how much I was hoping for an epiphany, an ah ha, a moment of realization or connection that made the whole thing make sense in the context of my bigger picture..... but what I felt was calm, and the teacher was amazing, and the group diverse and interesting...
I learned a lot --I sort of witnessed myself interacting in a way I had not had too many opportunities to in the recent past... during breaks, I found myself answering questions more than asking, and that is the opposite of what I am used to. Weird to field so many questions about myself, my baby...I would be talking to one person quietly then realize that a group had gathered to listen. I wonder what about my story needed to be told that way and what folks needed to hear? (one woman, 36, told me I gave her hope about having a family, and it was all I could do not to yell DO IT NOW!)
anyway, it was also a very interesting class, and certainly worthwhile... and I am now curious and open to the possibility that perhaps some ah has will sigh in in their own good time, most likely under my radar... helping me know things differently.
My belly was calmer after that day of hell last week, but in each hands-on session, it grumbled SO LOUDLY that all of my group could hear it even over the music.
I think what I think right now is this: this is about remembering rather than learning, trusting/having faith rather than sensing.... and we'll just have to see how that works with my busy brain and desire to Feel Something Happening...
Like so many things, it seemed to come up into my awareness almost accidentally (I've know about it, and thought about it, and put it on my list of things to explore)-- and one day about 2 weeks ago, I had a moment, looked at my list, and looked up Reiki training, New Hampshire, fully expecting nothing.
And Voila.
A Master practitioner, living TWO TOWNS OVER, holding training at her home June 2 and 3 and offering a discount for taking both levels and yes, there was room for me.
ok then.
I want to tell you that my sister was going to join me and there was GREAT JOY in my heart at the prospect, then she couldn't for a reason that she could not control so someday we will have a sister gathering, or getaway, or something, so my heart can feel fulfilled by that oh-so-tantalizing-Almost.
The training was intense in that it took somewhat singular focus for 8 hours two days running. It was intense in that I was around 20 people I did not know in a room a bit small for the number and the variety. It was intense in that I did not realize how much I was hoping for an epiphany, an ah ha, a moment of realization or connection that made the whole thing make sense in the context of my bigger picture..... but what I felt was calm, and the teacher was amazing, and the group diverse and interesting...
I learned a lot --I sort of witnessed myself interacting in a way I had not had too many opportunities to in the recent past... during breaks, I found myself answering questions more than asking, and that is the opposite of what I am used to. Weird to field so many questions about myself, my baby...I would be talking to one person quietly then realize that a group had gathered to listen. I wonder what about my story needed to be told that way and what folks needed to hear? (one woman, 36, told me I gave her hope about having a family, and it was all I could do not to yell DO IT NOW!)
anyway, it was also a very interesting class, and certainly worthwhile... and I am now curious and open to the possibility that perhaps some ah has will sigh in in their own good time, most likely under my radar... helping me know things differently.
My belly was calmer after that day of hell last week, but in each hands-on session, it grumbled SO LOUDLY that all of my group could hear it even over the music.
I think what I think right now is this: this is about remembering rather than learning, trusting/having faith rather than sensing.... and we'll just have to see how that works with my busy brain and desire to Feel Something Happening...
29 May 2012
Gut-truth, angels, waiting for the apocalypse
I know I've written here before, obliquely or directly about my lifelong battle with my guts.
I was 9 or 10, on my way to an ill-fated 3 days at camp when I had my first attack that I remember.
Diagnosed via old-school long barium x-ray series and inflexible scope/horrid biopsy as "healing ulcerative colitis" when I was about 10, and again in early adult hood as "IBS", and from one obnoxious Dr. it was due to me being an "emotional female"... *cough*biteme*cough*
I've been on a million medications, some relatively benign (Lomotil), some not (phenobarbital), tried therapy, hypnosis, food allergy testing, rotation diets, bio feedback, dropping out of school...
tried herbs and ozone and colonics...
I've made many life decisions based on this pretty intensely debilitating thing. Avoided mornings. Travel. Excitement. Anxiety. Avoided all known triggering foods (leading to a very limited diet). Limited my choices, options, experiences, ideas.... I lived smaller than I would have, more fearfully, more carefully, more cautiously.
A few years before Della when I was doing acupuncture, my practitioner suggested sensitivity testing and I said yes... based on the results, this time I went completely gluten and dairy free, and within three days (THREE DAYS) was so much better it was as if I'd been visited by angels. Seriously, from three attacks a week to NONE.
I've been almost completely in remission since. Occasional echoes, but mostly? Fine. Fine enough to imagine things I would have done, if only I could have. Fine enough to feel bad for my young self who had to be so careful.
Then this morning, 2 hours of badness. A reminder with the only obvious cause an uptick in stress. And I remember everything I hate about it. The shaky intensity, the exhaustion, the depletion... the real mystery of whateveritis. But the rhythm of it, this I know. I know the waves. The rocking. The breathing. The waiting.
Blessed to have a bathroom and time, and access to both...
This afternoon, I am fine. And it almost feels like I imagined it.
I expect to be fine tomorrow.
I expect to be fine in general, which is why it surprises me so much when it happens.
After so long without actively having to deal with it, I can say this: I did not miss it.
I wanted to write this since IBS and the evil cousins are pretty common. I know it is true for many in the IF community. To you I say-- try gluten free. It sucks. It is not easy. It takes planning and consciousness. But for me, this combination of no dairy, no gluten has been a life saving change. I forget to mention it because it is just the way I live now. Try a week. For others in my family it was key not only to gut stuff but mood and energy stuff as well.
As for my own guts? Trying to be compassionate. And not extrapolate to the apocalypse. So far, so good.
I was 9 or 10, on my way to an ill-fated 3 days at camp when I had my first attack that I remember.
Diagnosed via old-school long barium x-ray series and inflexible scope/horrid biopsy as "healing ulcerative colitis" when I was about 10, and again in early adult hood as "IBS", and from one obnoxious Dr. it was due to me being an "emotional female"... *cough*biteme*cough*
I've been on a million medications, some relatively benign (Lomotil), some not (phenobarbital), tried therapy, hypnosis, food allergy testing, rotation diets, bio feedback, dropping out of school...
tried herbs and ozone and colonics...
I've made many life decisions based on this pretty intensely debilitating thing. Avoided mornings. Travel. Excitement. Anxiety. Avoided all known triggering foods (leading to a very limited diet). Limited my choices, options, experiences, ideas.... I lived smaller than I would have, more fearfully, more carefully, more cautiously.
A few years before Della when I was doing acupuncture, my practitioner suggested sensitivity testing and I said yes... based on the results, this time I went completely gluten and dairy free, and within three days (THREE DAYS) was so much better it was as if I'd been visited by angels. Seriously, from three attacks a week to NONE.
I've been almost completely in remission since. Occasional echoes, but mostly? Fine. Fine enough to imagine things I would have done, if only I could have. Fine enough to feel bad for my young self who had to be so careful.
Then this morning, 2 hours of badness. A reminder with the only obvious cause an uptick in stress. And I remember everything I hate about it. The shaky intensity, the exhaustion, the depletion... the real mystery of whateveritis. But the rhythm of it, this I know. I know the waves. The rocking. The breathing. The waiting.
Blessed to have a bathroom and time, and access to both...
This afternoon, I am fine. And it almost feels like I imagined it.
I expect to be fine tomorrow.
I expect to be fine in general, which is why it surprises me so much when it happens.
After so long without actively having to deal with it, I can say this: I did not miss it.
I wanted to write this since IBS and the evil cousins are pretty common. I know it is true for many in the IF community. To you I say-- try gluten free. It sucks. It is not easy. It takes planning and consciousness. But for me, this combination of no dairy, no gluten has been a life saving change. I forget to mention it because it is just the way I live now. Try a week. For others in my family it was key not only to gut stuff but mood and energy stuff as well.
As for my own guts? Trying to be compassionate. And not extrapolate to the apocalypse. So far, so good.
22 May 2012
Join me in celebrating?
Just got some great news from an online friend that she and her
partner are expecting--- after many many ART attempts, much shitty
attendant IF-o-rama, body uncertainty and complexity, but now.... now?
EXPECTING! I wish she had a blog so I could send you there to
celebrate with them-- so I ask you, please feel free to do so here in
the comments, I will compile anything supportive and congratulatory you
write and send her a note. For the purposes of this celebration, let's call her S. And if you've ever wanted to delurk and comment, please do so!
I'm experimenting with taking off the catpcha so you should be able to comment even from a smart phone...
I am so thrilled for them I could jump and clap, and truly feel deep joy about this success.
I love hearing happy news.
This past week has been filled with sadness on the internet-- I keep landing on blogs with news of loss and there is always such a horrid wash of grief...
I feel my heart drop when someone gets a negative, or a slow beta....and gasp aloud at the soul-deep horror of miscarriage. (god/goddess/all-that-is).
I groove on great news and feel stricken by bad.
I just want to say while I don't know your path... I am not you... I have not had your specific struggles, or your specific successes.... I do not and cannot truly understand your unique context, your unique complexities, your hopes and dreams and history...
I can say this: wherever you are on your path-- to parenthood, or transitioning at midlife, or seeking your truth, I may not be able to Know or truly Understand, but oh! I hear you.
I'm experimenting with taking off the catpcha so you should be able to comment even from a smart phone...
I am so thrilled for them I could jump and clap, and truly feel deep joy about this success.
I love hearing happy news.
This past week has been filled with sadness on the internet-- I keep landing on blogs with news of loss and there is always such a horrid wash of grief...
I feel my heart drop when someone gets a negative, or a slow beta....and gasp aloud at the soul-deep horror of miscarriage. (god/goddess/all-that-is).
I groove on great news and feel stricken by bad.
I just want to say while I don't know your path... I am not you... I have not had your specific struggles, or your specific successes.... I do not and cannot truly understand your unique context, your unique complexities, your hopes and dreams and history...
I can say this: wherever you are on your path-- to parenthood, or transitioning at midlife, or seeking your truth, I may not be able to Know or truly Understand, but oh! I hear you.
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