14 May 2012

complexity: mother's day after loss

This is such a complex time of year.

In this incarnation, I find myself, quite miraculously, mother to Della (among many other things)-- awesome, humbling, knee-shaking, wondrous (among many other things...)

But three years ago, we found ourselves in the midst of a missed miscarriage. The week before mother's day held our discovery that we had lost Sprout, my D&C and a grief that was so large I wondered if I would ever be ok again.
I could not imagine I would ever be ok.
When I think of Sprout, and I do, often... when I think of Sprout my heart aches for what I now know is possible (and for all I was hoping for, and all that I was celebrating and anticipating, for all that I thought might happen)

but then, on the heels of very real grief,  there is this mindbender
this heart-wrench-er
this realization that if anything had been different, there would be no Della
blows my mind.

So I am sad, yes,
and complicated, yes
and happy with my life, YES
and clearly complikated
and very much many facets of kate as I think of this and feel my way through this,
this time of celebration and acknowledgement that I think should extend to all who are moms and who are waiting for their children
for me, a season of awe
and of wondering what might have been and the impossibility of what that might have meant.


markmarv2004 said...

So sadly and beautifully said. Dealing with the ambiguity of emotions and simultaneously allowing suffering and rejoicing. Whatta mom you are; whatta woman; whatta daughter. Love, Pa

Dream Seeker said...

Kate, lovely to come back to your words and thoughts, and beautiful pictures of Della. What a gorgeous girl she is. I forget that you have Mother's Day on a different day to us in the UK, always full of such big and complex emotions, isn't it? Thank you for sharing yours...we're soon to become adoptive parents so next year's Mothers Day (March in the UK) will be very different indeed...