then and when

Sweet Elizabeth's comment on my last post included the following quote by Cynthia Rylant in her book called All in a Day:

"The past is sailing off to sea, the future's fast asleep./ A day is all you have to be, it's all you get to keep."

And it struck home with me and many other commenters. (THANK YOU ELIZABETH)

It is so hard to feel that now is all we know we have since that feels so scary, so limited and puts so much pressure on the importance of the moment. Zen bends us toward living in the moment, living in the now, the present, but I suck at turning off the spigot of whatifs that lead to futures that may or may not happen, and I suck extra at turning off the spigot of regret, memory, historical obsessiveness...

Time is a funny thing-- taken alone, I like sweeping second hands that remind me that this is all one continuous stream, and it lets me know how arbitrary our increments are for marking it- a second, a minute, an hour--- days start to make more sense, as do moon phases, as do seasons-- those have physical bases-- things that we can observe and experience more or less directly (assuming we trust our senses)--

Time during trying to conceive is crazybatshit as we all know-- waiting and rushing and waiting and panicking and rushing and waiting.... two week waits, marking time by ultrasound appointments, blood draws, inseminations of various kinds, test dates, all with the metronome of morning and evening stim shots...

We feel the panic of aging, the sheer and utter panic as if our ovaries will seize up the moment we turn ___ and we'll be done with a silent Ding. We feel the utter visceral panic of running out of time.

We spend time hoping for a future we can see so clearly- our kids at the beach or on a bike or in our arms...

We spend time fearing a future we can see too clearly too- one in which our dreams have not been realized or that things don't go as hoped, that something goes wrong, now, soon, or eventually. And we fear losses we know and those we cannot imagine. We fear loss of opportunity.

We regret not starting sooner, not realizing what we had or what we could lose, we wish we had made different choices...

I am all about "then" and "when"-- back then..... or when I....

and trying to stay right here, in this moment, is brutally hard. Sometimes because it sucks rocks, but sometimes just because it is just so hard to stop bungy-ing around, pingponging, crazy superballing (sounds better than it is, I promise)--

I think that is why this simple little challenge has been and continues to be so meaningful to me-- it is not changing my situation but it is changing my instantaneous experience of time.

My cat is lying next to me on the sofa cushion. For the past 10 seconds I watched the stripes on his sides expand and contract as he breathes, the black if his stripes is so dark it is not-light. And the hairs that sit to each side are those magical cat hairs that start silvery brown, and are tipped in white.

Why does this matter? Because for those 10 seconds, time stretched. My life slowed down a little.

And for those 10 seconds I was just simply kate, looking at the stripes on my cat rise and fall. Not old kate or failing kate or worried kate or maybepregnant-maybenot kate, or kate who might never be pregnant or....

just kate

and cat

and stripes.

things we love for 10 seconds at a time

In my quest to be more present, and to open myself to more joy, I've been trying to spend just 10 seconds really tuning into a moment, a sensation.. and I invited you to come along and try it out.

Here is what you shared:

music- really, really listening to the lyrics, and hearing hope there, and the wonder and power of Yes

imagination-- letting ourselves open to an idea or experience that we can imagine and connect with, one we would like to experience

clouds-- watching them pass slowly overhead

fully experiencing a wonderful sensory bath of yielding cushions, gentle breeze and humming fan

reading something thought and joy provoking (aww thanks!)

breathing, deeply and consciously, slowing down, and being in the moment
and reveling in successes, like really challenging ones of habit breaking...especially those right at our fingertips!

Thank you so much for sharing your ideas and experiences!
See? and what did it cost? 10 seconds. So worthwhile I think. I just hope I remember to do it!


I had a wonderful, healing energy balancing session last night that felt like the right key turned in the right lock and I am much better. I think the trifecta of taking care of myself through the intellectual and emotional side (therapy), the physical side (yoga) and the spiritual side (energy balancing)-- just the very act of doing these things has helped. I feel much less mired.

I have one more big hurdle to pass, one of those shitty anniversaries: September 11th for obvious reasons but also for much more personal reasons-- it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. I just have to remember to keep taking care of myself and reaching out for help and support when I need it. Sometimes being or acting independent and strong is great, but sometimes it is bullshit and alienating, and sometimes it is nice to open myself up to feeling supported.

*

Remember how I said I was not really expecting success this cycle so the 2 week wait was sort of un-loaded? Still mostly true, but as I move into this sweet spot of potential implantation, I am aware of being aware, I am aware of being watchful, and hopeful, and on sort of an oblique I'm-not-really-peeking lalala symptom watch.
So, yeah, good intentions and all that. But I am not all wrapped up. Yet. Tonight I found myself being bad in a tiny little way (green tea with dinner)-- and realized I am kinda tired of doing all the right things (dhea, yoga, diet, no caffeine, acupuncture...) and having it not work, so apparently I was feeling like cheating just a tiny little bit.

So yes, countdown to the end of August, I will not miss you.
And count up to the next few weeks and overall September craziness.
But for now? For 10 seconds I will watch my darlin' while he's not looking, and just really enjoy being right here, right now.

beauty joy love

My dear friend David wrote to me yesterday expressing his feeling about the connection between love and joy-- "There is no joy without love."

And I agree in some ways-- love does not always bring joy, of course, and can sometimes suck rocks, but I also got to thinking about beauty. Because for me I guess experiencing beauty is also another form of experiencing love...

I am someone who has always taken joy in looking and seeing-- the horses I pass on my drive in (especially the small white one with the whiskers who sleeps flat out on his side), the funny woolly sheep with black faces, the big brown donkey in the cattle pasture, the red chickens in the big organic garden on insect patrol, round hay bales, the contour lines of plowing and cutting, the green fuzz of new corn, the yellow stalks of stubble after harvest, flocks of birds moving from telephone wire to tree top, or the stream that flows by the side of the road high in the spring, slow in august-- yes, all of these things I see each day, not all always, but my days-- when I notice-- are filled with beauty.
What changes is my attention. Sure I look, but I stop truly seeing, or tasting or touching or smelling.

David's wonderful note was a reminder to me-- to stop and look and see---- to reconnect with the things inherent in me that bring me joy-- simple simple things.

So, I challenge all of us-- for 10 seconds today, really look at something, or really notice as you touch something, taste something, smell something, revel in a fine flavor, or a soft shirt, or wriggle your toes, smell the coffee, or look at the clouds or the stars-- something, something that brings YOU joy, just by the noticing. Times whizzes past, in this one moment, for just 10 seconds, revel a little. And if you want, leave a note saying what you noticed, what brought you 10 seconds of joyishness. I'll put them up in a post later today or tomorrow.

no nonsense

Sorry for my silence and absence, but I have not really known what to say. I was lying in bed sunday night, looking at the white twinkle lights in the living room through the windows, and thinking how much better I feel sometimes after dark when my options are more limited. I cannot see the garden that needs weeding, or the roof I worry I might need to replace, or this that or the other thing. My scope gets closer, I can only see so far. I do not feel as torn to do this or that. But as my outside life gets simpler- but that is when my inside life gets a little more intense. That is when my demons walk around. I have been sleeping badly, having a hard time getting to sleep which never happens, I am used to waking, not having a hard time sleeping, but then when morning comes, I feel like shit, so bone tired, I wake sad. And this is so NOT ME. Not the me I know and like. This is like being hijacked by my not favorite self.

I spoke with Patricia, the IF therapist from NYC, last night, our inaugural conversation- she is sharp, people, sharp and direct and knowledgeable. She knows the lingo, the people, the places, she knows the struggles, she knows the stats, she is not someone who blows sunshine or who strives for warm fuzzies at all costs. She is human and funny and seemed to really get me, get the split between my brain and my heart. It was so great not to have to explain myself, to worry about spending time describing the technicalities.

I had homework, and I have done most already-- easy stuff, look up the stats for DE and IVF in IVF New Jersey (anyone here go there? they have some pretty amazing stats), write to CCRM and see if they are willing to tell me what protocol they would have used if I could have afforded to go there (um, no, thanks for asking, and no, there are no studies for women my age that I can take part in).

Patricia affirmed that that is the dream place, for almost anyone in any circumstances, and that they are doing amazing things. She goes to the conferences, she has met most of the players. It was interesting to have the inside view of both her professional opinion and then the additional insight from her work with patients.

I told her I did not know what I was really after in our conversations, just that I feel like shit. And that was ok too. In that moment, that felt like enough. I did not need a big clear agenda.


I hated going over my history, hate that it sounds horrible all condensed like that. I hate that I cannot just answer something groovy-- life has been great, I just waited too long-- instead there is this tangle of other plot lines, of having and losing and distrusting and waiting and wanting and hoping and having and losing and..... not all about babies, but it sucks to revisit the powerlessness of so much of it. The blind hope, and then.

So, that part sucked.

Now I am babbling so I will stop.
Just wanted to say hello. And to any of you who wonder if it is worth talking with her, I say a resounding yes- as long as you are not after warm fuzzies and gentle affirmation, this is more about acknowledging the suckitude, gathering information and taking action.

see?

see? I knew I would accidentally forget someone, because I suck at this.
Sooooooo who did I forget? Hmm? Any guesses?

I FORGOT HOPE! which is so profound really that I hardly know what else to say.

Hope from Living in Hope, please accept both my apology for not including you yesterday and the lovely blog award.

dungeons and dragons

My temp is up halfway this morning and my second line was fading fast when we got home so I think maybe I did ovulate yesterday sometime-- so the timing on the IUI was fine. It was our first unmedicated IUI and not at all fun. My cervix did not want to play along and it was ouchy and pinchy and crampy. Apparently drugs of any kind help with that. BUT it is over, and this two week wait feels pretty unloaded since I have no expectations that it might actuallly work (unlike the last one with the injectables where I really thought it might since it had before).
So hopefully I will not make myself insane riding the crazy rollercoaster of symptom watch and pee stick o rama. Just two weeks that need to pass before we begin again. Universe? Please feel free to surprise me in a happy way, I'd be ok with that.

The genetic news is not as clear cut as I hoped based on the phone conversation I had with the nurse pre-appointment yesterday.

While no variant was mentioned at all (leaving me to believe that it wasn't one) the mere fact of having now had a chromosomally abnormal embryo, my chances of having a little one with down syndrome (if by some miracle we do procreate) is now 1 in 26 from 1 in 40 for my age.
this sucks shit clearly.

The cost of knowing? higher stress I guess. A feeling that one less thing is ok-ish. But at least I know. Knowing or not knowing would not change the statistics, only my ability to respond to them intellectually or emotionally.

So.... that being said, I sure do wish it were different.

Statistics are crazy, I know it is all about populations and not individuals, but I also know it is the best predictive model we have for many things, and obviously the foundation of any sentence that starts with: the chances of ....

We have such long odds to get pregnant at all with IUI (even medicated)-- at most 4-5% (4-5 chances in 100) and we pray like crazy those odds will fall in our favor somehow. (This rises to 15% it IVF which is why I want to get back on That ride asap).

Then if pregnant, the odds shift in a lovely way- at that moment, even at my age it is more likely than less that we will have a real life take home baby (the chance of miscarriage for me at my age is around 40/100) and now this shitty chromosome bullshit of about 4/100 for down syndrome which seems like a very smal thing except it is also the same chance as getting pregnant in the first place.
Gah..

hope This falls that way
and That falls this way
and
hope hope hope hope hope
fucking crapshoot with dungeons and dragons dice.

Illanare bestowed upon me a Lovely Blog award for which I am grateful. And I have ignored it not to be mean or snooty but because I have been feeling so off, so unlovely, that I thought I would wait until I surfaced out of this morass. BUT in the spirit of trying to haul my ass out rather than waiting to float, here it is:



Thank you Illanare!
The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I've had some new and kindhearted commenters lately which have lead to me discovering their blogs. And while I am not out seeking new blogs since I want so much to provide the support (intermittent but sincere) to the posse that I began this public journey with-- I would like to acknowledge you kind folks:

Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
Pundelina at Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here
Billy at My Pathway to Motherhood
Peaches who has a private profile, but has sent such kind words...
And Illanare, of course. Thank you for finding me and for being so sweet.

I might have missed someone, and if so, it was not intentional.

Because I am kate I will not follow the rules entirely, of course, so I will not be leaving this in the comments-- BUT please know I am grateful.

Love to all of you who support me so often along this sometimes very shitty journey. Thank you for being out there.

progress

...and heartache. you know, since they so often come in pairs...

CD18 and for the love of all that is holy (thanks Sherrie!)

2 strongish lines, and, while not a surge yet, it will be. And the IUI is on for this afternoon since sometimes when things are this delayed, it happens quickly so says my supernurse.

I got a call yesterday with the results from the cytogenetic testing: trisomy 14

Yesterday's news was a little ambiguous. That while it was trisomy 14, apparently it was an unusual variant that they felt might indicate something more serious about our potential (or lack thereof) for reproductive success and that they strongly suggested we meet with the genetic counselor (GC) to talk about next steps which freaked me the fuck out to say the least. But today making the appointment, the GC told my coordinating nurse that I only have a slightly increased chance of this happening again over the general population of old ladies who are trying to get knocked up (my words not hers), but she could see why I would want to meet with her first. um. ok. we will then, and I will drop the alert to defcon 3.

But we have scheduled a meeting with the GC before the IUI this afternoon because I like to have my bases covered, you know, unless I am swimming.

onward.

Other progress:

IF therapist intake scheduled for monday evening with Patricia Mendell. Yes she is in NYC and she does phone sessions and could not come more highly recommended. ( http://www.patriciamendell.com).

Energy balancing scheduled for thursday evening (www.nowhealing.com), Elma is a sweetheart people, she makes me feel calm and cared for, 25 minutes of bliss. Suspend disbelief and try it once. I do not care why it works. I do not care that it feels odd to have someone talk about energy blocks. But if you can wax metaphoric, it is so worth it.

I wrote to Shady Grove (whose name so much sounds like a cemetery I swear it sounds like a joke) to talk with their shared risk DE coordinator to start to find out if I can qualify, but she is on vacation until the 25th. But hey, I made contact! I also asked my group here at Dartmouth if they would coordinate monitoring as needed if I do a DE cycle elsewhere when the time comes and the answer was yes.

My happy moment today (besides the second line and the GC saying nothing alarming yet) was my amazing coordinating nurse sort of letting it drop that she spent 21 years as a lactation consultant in labor and delivery, and also has been a Doula for some folks, and I exclaimed I would beg shamelessly when the time came and she said she would be honored. How cool is that?

First of all: I really really like her. She is human and humane and sharp and smart and funny. Second: it was as if we both believe I will be pregnant.

Yesterday sucked shit- I hated those conversations about genetics and my miscarriage. I hate that it happened and hate that it could happen again.

And last night sucked shit-- I realized that so much of this makes me feel old and broken and I am really neither in general and I DO NOT LIKE IT. It does not feel true to who I am.

But today I am home for an hour or two, then I'll head north for the festivities of the day. Hope I do not learn anything too scary from the GC, and hope we go forward with the IUI. I am ready to be on to the next thing, oddly looking forward to the two week wait.

Oh-- before I forget: THANK YOU

Michele- I will ask for the gender of our baby in an envelope and put it with the ultrasound photo, you are very right. I want to have it, even if I do not want to know it.

And Mad Hatter-- goodness, and I call myself creative? I never thought for ONE MOMENT I could "workshop" here on my own (even though I have in the past)- I was so stuck in the Workshop or Work mode of thinking, I never for one moment thought-- ok, if I don't go, I can be here doing things I love and that feed me creatively! So THANK YOU, sincerely,for reminding me of stuff I should have figured out on my own if my head was not quite so far up my ass.

Not at work not at work not at work

and pretty darn relieved (dare I say happy?) about that.

thanks for listening.