22 August 2009

dungeons and dragons

My temp is up halfway this morning and my second line was fading fast when we got home so I think maybe I did ovulate yesterday sometime-- so the timing on the IUI was fine. It was our first unmedicated IUI and not at all fun. My cervix did not want to play along and it was ouchy and pinchy and crampy. Apparently drugs of any kind help with that. BUT it is over, and this two week wait feels pretty unloaded since I have no expectations that it might actuallly work (unlike the last one with the injectables where I really thought it might since it had before).
So hopefully I will not make myself insane riding the crazy rollercoaster of symptom watch and pee stick o rama. Just two weeks that need to pass before we begin again. Universe? Please feel free to surprise me in a happy way, I'd be ok with that.

The genetic news is not as clear cut as I hoped based on the phone conversation I had with the nurse pre-appointment yesterday.

While no variant was mentioned at all (leaving me to believe that it wasn't one) the mere fact of having now had a chromosomally abnormal embryo, my chances of having a little one with down syndrome (if by some miracle we do procreate) is now 1 in 26 from 1 in 40 for my age.
this sucks shit clearly.

The cost of knowing? higher stress I guess. A feeling that one less thing is ok-ish. But at least I know. Knowing or not knowing would not change the statistics, only my ability to respond to them intellectually or emotionally.

So.... that being said, I sure do wish it were different.

Statistics are crazy, I know it is all about populations and not individuals, but I also know it is the best predictive model we have for many things, and obviously the foundation of any sentence that starts with: the chances of ....

We have such long odds to get pregnant at all with IUI (even medicated)-- at most 4-5% (4-5 chances in 100) and we pray like crazy those odds will fall in our favor somehow. (This rises to 15% it IVF which is why I want to get back on That ride asap).

Then if pregnant, the odds shift in a lovely way- at that moment, even at my age it is more likely than less that we will have a real life take home baby (the chance of miscarriage for me at my age is around 40/100) and now this shitty chromosome bullshit of about 4/100 for down syndrome which seems like a very smal thing except it is also the same chance as getting pregnant in the first place.

hope This falls that way
and That falls this way
hope hope hope hope hope
fucking crapshoot with dungeons and dragons dice.

Illanare bestowed upon me a Lovely Blog award for which I am grateful. And I have ignored it not to be mean or snooty but because I have been feeling so off, so unlovely, that I thought I would wait until I surfaced out of this morass. BUT in the spirit of trying to haul my ass out rather than waiting to float, here it is:

Thank you Illanare!
The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I've had some new and kindhearted commenters lately which have lead to me discovering their blogs. And while I am not out seeking new blogs since I want so much to provide the support (intermittent but sincere) to the posse that I began this public journey with-- I would like to acknowledge you kind folks:

Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
Pundelina at Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here
Billy at My Pathway to Motherhood
Peaches who has a private profile, but has sent such kind words...
And Illanare, of course. Thank you for finding me and for being so sweet.

I might have missed someone, and if so, it was not intentional.

Because I am kate I will not follow the rules entirely, of course, so I will not be leaving this in the comments-- BUT please know I am grateful.

Love to all of you who support me so often along this sometimes very shitty journey. Thank you for being out there.


Nic said...

Oh kate, how I wish the stats were different as well.
Hang in there and do not stress during this 2ww (easier said than done!!!) Try to find things to pass the time, go for a hike, go somewhere you have been planning to go for a while. Watching, counting and analysing during the 2ww only makes it go by slower and harder. That said, it was all I ever did during a 2ww!!
I hope this works for you and I hope the Downs stats are not as high for you as an individual.
Take care
Nic x

Michele said...

Statistics suck. But if there is anyone who can make them eat their words, it is you, Kate.

I am crossing my fingers that this unmedicated, unplannedish IUI does indeed become the little one that could (and does!). Fingers crossed, dear friend. Crossed hard.

IVF 40+ said...

I agree - go find some soul enhancing nature. Don't hike or raise your heartbeat too much - just ride up to the top of a lovely peak or hill and breath it in.
It's still 4-5% not 0! OK thats a bit rough to get excited about!
Love to you

Anonymous said...

Keeping it all crossed for you that it falls on the right side every time.

Hope said...

It really sucks that we always seem to be on the wrong side of the stats but we have to remain hopeful, without hope we would not be trying at all. So I wish you the very best and hope this cycle brings success.

Grade A said...

It may feel like the numbers are against you, but I ever really liked math anyway.

Hope the anticlimactic two weeks bring you a very climactic ending.

Thinking of you,

Phoebe said...

I understand the crazy making of vacillating between hope and despair. There is much pressure to give up, but your heart just can not do so.

Thanks so much for the lovely award!

Billy said...

Thank you so much for passing the award on to me!
I will be hoping for you that you beat the statistics and have a lovely healthy child! Good luck on your tww.

Jenn said...

Sweet Kate,

Can I just say that statistics suck donkey balls? (sorry if that offends anyone but it really does!)

Why does this whole damn journey have to be so friggin difficult? I don't get it.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would be such an awesome mom......SO in that vain.........

"UNIVERSE....GET with it.....You can turn those odds in Kate's favor....SO DO IT ALREADY!!!!"


Love ya girlie - and big ole hugs

K said...

Was just catching up on all of your news. The whole statistical thing is what we all thrive on. And yet, science and numbers don't account for everything, somehow. I am so glad you are exploring therapy. I checked out the website you posted. What an amazing woman Patricia must be. Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you often, K.

onwardandsideways said...

My understanding is that Trisomies are a fact of chance, and not so much your eggs. I had one too, my OB said they are genetic flukes. I've read of women of all ages having them.

So that's one less thing to worry about!

The DS thing is more daunting. A friend of mine has a child with DS and while he loves him more than life itself... it has been hard on him. Personally, I couldn't handle it. I think it's good to be very clear where you are on that before getting yourself into a situation where you could be at risk. And that being said, there are plenty of women who have children in their 40s who do not have DS. It's a crap shoot, sigh.

Sending you a heaping dose of Hope that I hope will help you get through these next weeks.

Miracles do happen. May you get yours this time!