My temp is up halfway this morning and my second line was fading fast when we got home so I think maybe I did ovulate yesterday sometime-- so the timing on the IUI was fine. It was our first unmedicated IUI and not at all fun. My cervix did not want to play along and it was ouchy and pinchy and crampy. Apparently drugs of any kind help with that. BUT it is over, and this two week wait feels pretty unloaded since I have no expectations that it might actuallly work (unlike the last one with the injectables where I really thought it might since it had before).
So hopefully I will not make myself insane riding the crazy rollercoaster of symptom watch and pee stick o rama. Just two weeks that need to pass before we begin again. Universe? Please feel free to surprise me in a happy way, I'd be ok with that.
The genetic news is not as clear cut as I hoped based on the phone conversation I had with the nurse pre-appointment yesterday.
While no variant was mentioned at all (leaving me to believe that it wasn't one) the mere fact of having now had a chromosomally abnormal embryo, my chances of having a little one with down syndrome (if by some miracle we do procreate) is now 1 in 26 from 1 in 40 for my age.
this sucks shit clearly.
The cost of knowing? higher stress I guess. A feeling that one less thing is ok-ish. But at least I know. Knowing or not knowing would not change the statistics, only my ability to respond to them intellectually or emotionally.
So.... that being said, I sure do wish it were different.
Statistics are crazy, I know it is all about populations and not individuals, but I also know it is the best predictive model we have for many things, and obviously the foundation of any sentence that starts with: the chances of ....
We have such long odds to get pregnant at all with IUI (even medicated)-- at most 4-5% (4-5 chances in 100) and we pray like crazy those odds will fall in our favor somehow. (This rises to 15% it IVF which is why I want to get back on That ride asap).
Then if pregnant, the odds shift in a lovely way- at that moment, even at my age it is more likely than less that we will have a real life take home baby (the chance of miscarriage for me at my age is around 40/100) and now this shitty chromosome bullshit of about 4/100 for down syndrome which seems like a very smal thing except it is also the same chance as getting pregnant in the first place.
hope This falls that way
and That falls this way
hope hope hope hope hope
fucking crapshoot with dungeons and dragons dice.
Illanare bestowed upon me a Lovely Blog award for which I am grateful. And I have ignored it not to be mean or snooty but because I have been feeling so off, so unlovely, that I thought I would wait until I surfaced out of this morass. BUT in the spirit of trying to haul my ass out rather than waiting to float, here it is:
Thank you Illanare!
The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
I've had some new and kindhearted commenters lately which have lead to me discovering their blogs. And while I am not out seeking new blogs since I want so much to provide the support (intermittent but sincere) to the posse that I began this public journey with-- I would like to acknowledge you kind folks:
Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
Pundelina at Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here
Billy at My Pathway to Motherhood
Peaches who has a private profile, but has sent such kind words...
And Illanare, of course. Thank you for finding me and for being so sweet.
I might have missed someone, and if so, it was not intentional.
Because I am kate I will not follow the rules entirely, of course, so I will not be leaving this in the comments-- BUT please know I am grateful.
Love to all of you who support me so often along this sometimes very shitty journey. Thank you for being out there.