01 August 2009


still no.

another night with several hours of bigtime cramping, although not quite as bad as the night before.
a negative test around 5 this morning. The cramping was worse after I peed, but finally waned a bit and I was able to sleep again on and off for a while.

Fertility friend says that based on their data, there is still 40% chance of a positive after 14dpo, so, um, I guess I take some solace in that, but I also read somewhere else it was just 10% and that late positives mean late implantation and late implantation has a higher chance of miscarriage. With information like that, what the hell do I wish for?
I just want to be pregnant, stay pregnant, birth a very healthy and hale little one, be healthy myself, and just do this thing. The ghosts that come by and say it might not ever happen suck.

This time things have been different, since last time I did this IUI thing, it worked. So that means I thought, truly thought it might just work. Where last time I had no such hope.

I feel sort of dislocated today. I'm ok and I'm not ok. It is so hard not to get all delusional about this stuff, say, ok maybe it will still work! Some stats say so! And feel my heart rise to the occasion. Then skepticalKate says, righto mate. As if. And snorts. And disappointment floods in.

My temp is still up, but of course I am also on progesterone.
So I guess I just don't know where I stand.

The fact is that my period is not "due" until tomorrow. My temp always drops the day before and it did not drop yet.
I simply do not know anything about anything. If no period and no positive by monday, I will call my RE and ask for a beta, then get off these progesterone thingies and get on with whatever is next.

So really, just like all of this crazy journey, it is all a day at a time, a pee stick at a time.

My sister will be visiting this coming thursday-monday with her kids and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. So that is a fine thing to look forward to. And today, in this glorious weather, I spent time outside, weeding, cutting the grass, time in the hammock feeding mosquitoes.
Fresh air, sunshine, dappled shade. So glad the rain let up to let me get out and just be for a while. Tomorrow if the tests are still blindingly negative, I will hike. I will hike because my soul needs it, my heart needs it, I need it. I've been holding off just in case. Just in case. Just in case.


Anonymous said...

Oh Kate, I really, really am still hoping for you. My little sister did not get a positive until her period was due with her first baby - who I could hear screaming behind her on the phone today.

It is okay to still hope. I used to shame myself for continuing to hope. Hope is good, it is beautiful. ((HUGS))

sprogblogger said...

Hey Kate - hiking is good whether or not you get a negative tomorrow. I am much less a fan of pee sticks than I was two months ago. Having such a less-than-stellar pee-stick reaction when there was obviously something major going on in there has made me rethink my former love of POAS.

But whatever they show tomorrow, whatever Monday's beta shows, this is not the end of the road for you or this quest and that's a good thing. I honestly believe that you are meant to be a mother, and that - therefore - you will be.

Woowoo, I know, but there it is.

You are SO MUCH IN MY THOUGHTS (that I had to scream it.) Thinking of you, dear friend, with all the hope in my heart.

IF Optimist, then... said...

My heart just dropped about 5 feet reading this today. It's so frustrating. You want to stay positive, you want to be optimistic, but the reality stick just keeps beating down. I'm sorry you have to endure the cramps and the crazies and the waiting. Sending you lots of hope and hugs.

Mad Hatter said...

What an eternal 2ww this has been -I'm so sorry that it has been so agonizing. The mystery of conception, while beautiful, can also be so infuriating because it is not just a matter of math or science or statistics - there is no formula. I am convinced it involves magic, and as much as we would like to write the script and choreograph every move, it is simply beyond our powers to do so. We do what we can, and the rest we just have to give up to the universe. Please know that my heart is as full of hope for you as it was 14 days ago. Like Sprogblogger, I can close my eyes and see you as a mother. The question is not whether, but when. XOXOXO

Megan said...

We did a three mile hike this morning. It really is so healing. Waiting and wondering is hard. Keep taking care of yourself...one day at a time.

Eileen said...

You are in my thoughts. I hope AF stays far far away. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I keep checking in, hoping, hoping, hoping. And just fyi, with my last pregnancy I got a BFN at 14dpo, again at 16dpo and then a BFP at 17dpo. Insane. I can't remember the brand, but it was the early test. I only even tested again b/c no period. I'd already accepted that it was a negative. It was crazy. And everything turned out just fine in the end. No miscarriage, no problems. I'll keep hoping tonight!

Pundelina said...

I'm in that same boat with you and it sucks. I hope we both wash up on Baby Island. Good luck.


Michele said...

Hopefully those are false BFNs. Your temp is still high, so that is a good thing! And remember, some of us dont usually get BFPs, so there is still hope! But I agree with your plan: no AF by Monday, then DEMAND a beta. I mean, you are paying for this stuff. They really have no right to refuse you.

Nic said...

This 2ww is killing me, I hate to think what it is doing to you!! The high temp can be a good sign, I just hope it is not giving you false hope. I am going with the 40% chance!! That is still quite good odds.

Elizabeth said...

Hi Kate -- thinking of you today and hoping for a great hike and a positive pee stick and peace either way. What a thing. Really, it sucks all of this. I'm thinking of you. Love to you,

Anonymous said...

kate, i really don't care what the stats say. take it from someone who has beaten all odds. seriously, only 0.001% of people get a molar pregnancy and even less have it develop into cancer. *anything* is possible. the stats game never worked for me. it is what it is. i'm still very hopeful for you this cycle.

...and thanks for reminding me about the hammock! we have not spent any time in the hammock this entire summer! maybe i'll get out there today and send some positive thoughts your way!