another night with several hours of bigtime cramping, although not quite as bad as the night before.
a negative test around 5 this morning. The cramping was worse after I peed, but finally waned a bit and I was able to sleep again on and off for a while.
Fertility friend says that based on their data, there is still 40% chance of a positive after 14dpo, so, um, I guess I take some solace in that, but I also read somewhere else it was just 10% and that late positives mean late implantation and late implantation has a higher chance of miscarriage. With information like that, what the hell do I wish for?
I just want to be pregnant, stay pregnant, birth a very healthy and hale little one, be healthy myself, and just do this thing. The ghosts that come by and say it might not ever happen suck.
This time things have been different, since last time I did this IUI thing, it worked. So that means I thought, truly thought it might just work. Where last time I had no such hope.
I feel sort of dislocated today. I'm ok and I'm not ok. It is so hard not to get all delusional about this stuff, say, ok maybe it will still work! Some stats say so! And feel my heart rise to the occasion. Then skepticalKate says, righto mate. As if. And snorts. And disappointment floods in.
My temp is still up, but of course I am also on progesterone.
So I guess I just don't know where I stand.
The fact is that my period is not "due" until tomorrow. My temp always drops the day before and it did not drop yet.
I simply do not know anything about anything. If no period and no positive by monday, I will call my RE and ask for a beta, then get off these progesterone thingies and get on with whatever is next.
So really, just like all of this crazy journey, it is all a day at a time, a pee stick at a time.
My sister will be visiting this coming thursday-monday with her kids and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. So that is a fine thing to look forward to. And today, in this glorious weather, I spent time outside, weeding, cutting the grass, time in the hammock feeding mosquitoes.
Fresh air, sunshine, dappled shade. So glad the rain let up to let me get out and just be for a while. Tomorrow if the tests are still blindingly negative, I will hike. I will hike because my soul needs it, my heart needs it, I need it. I've been holding off just in case. Just in case. Just in case.