05 August 2009

August

So today I did the baseline stuff. I'll skip the details and cut to the chase: one whopping big 17mm follicle on my left, and a second only slightly less whopping follicle on the same side says.....no meds for me this time around.
The right ovary had about 5-6 normal sized ones, so that was heartening for next time.

So, this will be a "natural" LH surge/ unmedicated IUI cycle if all goes well and if a surge is detected. One never knows, damn pee sticks feel like the enemy at the moment.

And yeah, you know how I thought I was taking this ok? Good old pragmatiKate? um, not so much. It caught up with me last night, tears flowed all over my sweetie's shoulder, and he was good enough to just hold me tightly. Hear me roar.


I am struggling anyway this season. I hate August. I do not use the word hate lightly. In fairness, some very very good things have happened in August. Jane was born in August for example, a wondrous occurrence that we should all celebrate just because it made the world a better place just to have her in it, and I celebrate beyond that because by knowing her I learned what love could feel like at its very best even if I was stupid about it at the time. August is when the president was born. And when my sweet darlin' was born too. So see? not all of August is bad. But for me it is a quagmire of memory, of losses on so many levels, a time when my marriage came apart, when I lost my husband to suicide, when I came apart so fully I was sure that there was no way to ever ever put myself back together. And in some ways I was right, I am not the same person as before. This one, this one is different. I like to think of the cracks as something beautiful, the glue as evidence of strength, the holes as openness to new things, the stains as evidence of mistakes I will not be making again.

But the slant of the light and the milky sky, the moon rising, the smell of the air, the sounds of late summer insects, the feel of everything, they all conspire to take me right back and I am floundering, trying to stay present in the NOW of my wonderful life. But all the sticky fingers of memory pull me back again and again and again and it is such an effort to extricate myself. So I feel sloggy and heartsick and like I just want to sleep through these next few weeks and wake up whole.


BUT sisterlove starting tomorrow with a nice long visit, a wonderful, timely distraction. This next week is the worst and then I'll be out the other side. I try not to give it this power, but it is stupid of me to deny what I feel even when I so much want to feel differently.

So yes, a hard time. A time that will pass again. I am buoyant and inherently positive, but I know this dance. I don't like it much. Sadness and I are well acquainted but we are not good friends. I know there are gifts, there almost always are. But the cost.
Oh, the cost.

13 comments:

Sarah said...

first, the cycle stuff: with your nice looking follicles i just have a hard time understanding why you aren't considered a good ivf candidate. i get that the protocol you've tried didn't work, but if things look this good naturally, it seems like they should be able to find an ivf protocol that would work for you? and i'm surprised that even with an unmedicated IUI cycle (how great that you don't need stims!), you still don't get a trigger shot and monitoring to be sure the IUI is timed right. it just seems like an awful lot is riding on those stupid peesticks, which would drive me bonkers because i always had such a hard time with them. sorry to be throwing questions you've probably already asked and gotten good answers to at you.

as for august, i'm sure i have nothing to say that you don't already know; as always you seem to have such a solid grip on how you're processing it all, even if the process itself feels anything but. it doesn't seem fair that there are things we never really get closure for - we think we're supposed to do all this hard work of grieving and reach some point of coming to terms with things and there are pieces and parts where that's possible but in reality words like "processing" and "closure" imply some sort of neat and tidy start-to-finish that just doesn't apply to the organic nature of these things, does it? sigh. i hope this year brings you a whole new way to think of august.

Erin said...

you wrote..." I like to think of the cracks as something beautiful, the glue as evidence of strength, the holes as openness to new things, the stains as evidence of mistakes I will not be making again."

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Perfectly stated...with such wisdom and tenderness...

Thank you for those words. It's a great reminder to us to be kind to ourselves and to lick the wounds and find beauty in the scars.

Kate said...

It's normal. I know you know this but the way you feel is absolutely normal and you are not alone. August sounds like a rough month as is from what you talk about in this post, I'm sorry you've had such blows along the way in life. I too am wondering like Sarah about relying exclusively on the pee sticks since my research tells me they're not always reliable and can often come at the end when its too late.

I hope you're doing better, its not easy to deal with as much as you are, don't be too hard on yourself, let yourself feel the way you do for at least some time.

IVF 40+ said...

another beautifully written post. Your pain comes through and I feel frustrated that I don't have words to inspire, lift or relieve.
Sending you all the peace in the world.

Sprogblogger said...

I am so very sorry that you're having to go through all this. I'm with you: anniversaries - bad anniversaries - are the hardest. They drain all the energy you need for everything else. For this month, I'm going to wish for peace and enough quiet joy to get you through to the other side. You are in my thoughts every day, Kate. Be well.

IF Optimist, then... said...

My RE said that it's good to take a month off drugs in between to let your system get readjusted. I believe him, but I know that it's hard because you just want to GET GOING ALREADY.

I'm so sorry that this will be a tough month for you. I'm glad that your sis and your sweetie can offer some comfort to ease your journey. Your words and thoughts are so profound, I wish I had some ability to help other than to say:

Dear Kate, I am honored you are in my world, my universe. Your friend Traci appreciates what you do for her and hopes your wishes come true very very soon.

Michele said...

Love is worth everything we pay...

I am so glad to hear about those good follies! That is great news!!! I am already crossing my fingers for this cycle. Tightly crossed!! Hugs, Kate... Many hugs...

Barefoot said...

Thanks for the beautiful post. I'm sorry that the pain caught up with you, and hoping hoping hoping for this next cycle for you.

K said...

I wish there was something I could say or do to make all of this crap go away. I'm so very sorry. But, I do hope you (and maybe your body without you even knowing it) will find some rest, some relief from the drug induced stress, and somewhere some comfort in getting through this month. Peace.

Joannah said...

I'm sorry this month has to have such heavy and hard things associated with it for you.

September will be here before you know it.

((hugs))

Mad Hatter said...

Dear sweet Kate...such a beautiful writer...Sad to hear of how much pain you are in and that the bad memories are too much to bear right now. Even though your heart is heavy, it sounds like your body is doing wonderfully - those are lovely follicles you have! So glad your sister is coming tomorrow - I hope her visit helps to lighten your burden. Thinking of you...xo MH

meinsideout said...

K - I think about the costs frequently.

I hope that you have a great weekend with your sister.

Your follicles sound fantastic! I have some left-over clearblue digital opks if you want them - just let me know.

strongblonde said...

i think that everyone else said it better than i ever could. just know that i'm thinking about you and i hope that the visit with your sis is helpful and healing in some way.

xoxo