03 August 2009


Another glaringly negative test at 5:30
my temp still high (progesterone)
So, I called the clinic this morning and left a message asking explicitly for a blood test and advice. (I called again a little while ago). I admit I hoped to hear back long before now, but I guess not.

and then, later in the morning
I had a little spotting, pinkish, reddish, clearish..
then none for a long while
then a little more than that, brownish this time, clearish....
I simply think my period is trying to come.

So if I had to call it? I'd call it done.
If I don't hear back, I'll test again tonight, then if negative, I'll skip the night progesterone, and just let my period come.
A CD1 lets me try again, maybe not this cycle, maybe I have to wait one out in terms of ART.

I am feeling a fine mix of resigned, exasperated, frustrated, discouraged and the tiniest slice of insane hope.
The spotting felt like a punch in the gut. But I cannot say it was surprising.

Thanks to all of you for the amazing support and hopefulness. One of these days I hope to have a positive to report, I really do.
I know my blog is relatively new, but many of the folks I started with are pregnant. It is a great thing, a wonderful thing, the thing that SHOULD happen. And honestly? I am tired of building character in these particular ways. I am ready for a positive too. A pregnancy that sticks around and is normal.

So, I hope that will come. Just not this time.


onwardandsideways said...

I hope that it will come for you too, and soon. I've felt those punches, too many times.

So hard to say what that spotting is all about. Late implantation does happen.

Just wishing you strength, as always, as you slog through this.

I shall go shake my fist at the sky now.

IVF 40+ said...

Well that is crap. And I am so so sorry it didn't work out this time.

I'm with you -everyone I started with are preggers and most have given birth. I will start to get pissed off when siblings are on the scene!

Until then, I diet, exercise and hope.

Megan said...

I get it. I get the insane sliver of hope. I get the everyone-is-getting-pregnant-but-me feelings. Not that I don't want people to get pregnant, but it is hard...so hard.

My blog reading used to be 90% unpregnant to 10% pregnant, then somewhere in the last few months it flipped. I had to find new blogs to read so I could get the ratio to at least 50/50.

I'm so sorry.

Sprogblogger said...

Ugh. So very sorry that it's not looking great. Trying to come up with silver linings and you know? It just plain sucks. No silver, just suckiness. Thinking of you, and wanting so hard for this to happen for you - sooner rather than later!

just me, dawn said...

ugh, sorry that you are in that horrid limbo state right now. I hope sincerely that you will be one of the preggos soon. I know how hard it is to wait. ((hugs))

Michele said...

Damn.... Call me an optimist, but I am still holding out hope that this is not the end...

Sending a big hug and hoping you can get a beta soon.

Nic said...

I hope you get your positive too. You deserve it. One day soon it will happen. Lets hope it is the cycle. I wish it would hurry up and be positive for you!!

Kate said...

Pardon my french but FUCK character building. Enough already! Leave it to the novel writers...we're full drawn Pulitzer Prize creations at this point.

It's maddening to wait for a cycle to begin. I hope it starts soon for you.

I too have seen noticed that on stirrup queen's list of blogs, when I click on them, the maujority are now mothers, the VAST overwhelming majority. This too gives me hope, to see those who've reached the destination helps me as I proceed in my journey.

We'll get there. I believe this more on some days than others but somewhere deep down I do believe this, for you and me.

Kate said...

ERRRRRRRRRR I did not mean I hope "IT" starts soon for you. I meant, I hope the process of being successful starts soon... meaning I hope this struggle will be over and you can start your new character buliding journey.