21 August 2009


...and heartache. you know, since they so often come in pairs...

CD18 and for the love of all that is holy (thanks Sherrie!)
2 strongish lines, and, while not a surge yet, it will be. And the IUI is on for this afternoon since sometimes when things are this delayed, it happens quickly so says my supernurse.

I got a call yesterday with the results from the cytogenetic testing: trisomy 14

Yesterday's news was a little ambiguous. That while it was trisomy 14, apparently it was an unusual variant that they felt might indicate something more serious about our potential (or lack thereof) for reproductive success and that they strongly suggested we meet with the genetic counselor (GC) to talk about next steps which freaked me the fuck out to say the least. But today making the appointment, the GC told my coordinating nurse that I only have a slightly increased chance of this happening again over the general population of old ladies who are trying to get knocked up (my words not hers), but she could see why I would want to meet with her first. um. ok. we will then, and I will drop the alert to defcon 3.
But we have scheduled a meeting with the GC before the IUI this afternoon because I like to have my bases covered, you know, unless I am swimming.

Other progress:
IF therapist intake scheduled for monday evening with Patricia Mendell. Yes she is in NYC and she does phone sessions and could not come more highly recommended. ( http://www.patriciamendell.com).

Energy balancing scheduled for thursday evening (www.nowhealing.com), Elma is a sweetheart people, she makes me feel calm and cared for, 25 minutes of bliss. Suspend disbelief and try it once. I do not care why it works. I do not care that it feels odd to have someone talk about energy blocks. But if you can wax metaphoric, it is so worth it.

I wrote to Shady Grove (whose name so much sounds like a cemetery I swear it sounds like a joke) to talk with their shared risk DE coordinator to start to find out if I can qualify, but she is on vacation until the 25th. But hey, I made contact! I also asked my group here at Dartmouth if they would coordinate monitoring as needed if I do a DE cycle elsewhere when the time comes and the answer was yes.

My happy moment today (besides the second line and the GC saying nothing alarming yet) was my amazing coordinating nurse sort of letting it drop that she spent 21 years as a lactation consultant in labor and delivery, and also has been a Doula for some folks, and I exclaimed I would beg shamelessly when the time came and she said she would be honored. How cool is that?

First of all: I really really like her. She is human and humane and sharp and smart and funny. Second: it was as if we both believe I will be pregnant.

Yesterday sucked shit- I hated those conversations about genetics and my miscarriage. I hate that it happened and hate that it could happen again.
And last night sucked shit-- I realized that so much of this makes me feel old and broken and I am really neither in general and I DO NOT LIKE IT. It does not feel true to who I am.

But today I am home for an hour or two, then I'll head north for the festivities of the day. Hope I do not learn anything too scary from the GC, and hope we go forward with the IUI. I am ready to be on to the next thing, oddly looking forward to the two week wait.

Oh-- before I forget: THANK YOU
Michele- I will ask for the gender of our baby in an envelope and put it with the ultrasound photo, you are very right. I want to have it, even if I do not want to know it.

And Mad Hatter-- goodness, and I call myself creative? I never thought for ONE MOMENT I could "workshop" here on my own (even though I have in the past)- I was so stuck in the Workshop or Work mode of thinking, I never for one moment thought-- ok, if I don't go, I can be here doing things I love and that feed me creatively! So THANK YOU, sincerely,for reminding me of stuff I should have figured out on my own if my head was not quite so far up my ass.

Not at work not at work not at work
and pretty darn relieved (dare I say happy?) about that.

thanks for listening.


Nic said...

Good luck for today! I hope the GC meeting goes ok. I cant imagine how hard it is for you to do this but I think it is important to know.
Having the sex i an evenlope with the US is a wonderful idea, even if you never know.
Take care
Nic x

Sprogblogger said...

So very glad you are doing better - three cheers for a second line. You know how much I want this to work for you, sweetie. And I second your comment on how hard it is that this makes us feel old and used up. It's one of the worse things about this, the hits our self-image and sense-of-self take. Thinking of you with fingers, toes and eyes crossed!

Melissa said...

Lots of luck today! I'll be sending you positive vibes.

alyssa said...

dear sweet kate, i'm so glad you are doing all of this, getting ducks in a row. glad you called patricia because she not only knows her stuff but is quite likely one of the most helpful women i have ever known.

she is the only therapist i've ever had--and you know i've had plenty--who's ever actually help me affect change. and she's deeply, deeply kind.

Michele said...

Oh Kate, I am so glad that my comment didnt hurt more yesterday. I was worried. I'm glad that you will have the info tucked away, just in case.

I had to look up Trisomy 14 to find out more about it. The good news is that it does seem very random. It has no diagnosis attached to it (like Trisomy 13 or 18 or 21) so that is good. Hopefully, it will not turn up again, although I know that is no real consolation in the "right now" picture. And you are NOT old and broken. Not at all. You are perfect and you. It sucks that this shit is happening but dont let the IF talk you into feeling like you are shit. You are not. Not one bit.

I was happy to hear about the 2 lines an the IUI. I think talking to the GC may help settle your thoughts, which will be nice going into this round. I am going to start crossing my fingers and praying for that BFP right now!

Kate said...

I will be thinking of you today.

Shady Groves reminds me of Shady Pines where Sophia, Dorothy's mom from Golden Girls was sent to, lol (wow if you never saw the show that made no sense)

IVF 40+ said...

I sometimes think we underestimate the strength and brava it takes to be present in this journey. You asked for information that a large percentage of the population wouldn't have. I salute ya Kate!

Sarah said...

i'm so excited for you...for the title of this post, for the possibility of some answers, i don't know its all got me thinking pretty optimistically. progress is always the goal! well not the only goal but a very important part of getting there.

side note... shady grove is my clinic and i LOVE them. i've dealt with several docs and nurses and staff over the last five years and they have all been wonderful.

Phoebe said...

Good luck with your IUI. I hope the GC meeting went well.

Barefoot said...

Good luck today -- and hooray for the second line!!

Anonymous said...

Wow - you are making some serious progress - I am totally impressed!!!

I hope that the GC went okay - looking forward to the update - and you are currently post-IUI.

Thinking of you.

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you. Hoping the meeting of the grown ups went well and you are right now hosting another very important meeting on the cellular scale. I hope the knowning more about Sprout brings with its own kind of peace over time, and that the new therapist is helpful, and that you get to workshop wherever and however you want, and get and stay pregnant and spend this time next year wondering if you'll ever make it out of the house to workshop ever again becuse you have a newborn to deal with. Sending love,

Pundelina said...

Hooray!!! I'm so pleased that the IUI is going ahead for you. And that the GC said the chances of another Trisomy were only slightly greater than usual. That's reassuring.

"I realized that so much of this makes me feel old and broken and I am really neither in general and I DO NOT LIKE IT. It does not feel true to who I am."
That resonated so much for me - I don't like those feelings either and it's not true for either of us.