on the OPK pee stick
WTF? I don't meant that loudly, more like a sigh.
Schedule shmedule, I do not even know what this week looks like, I don't know why I am bothering to stress out about September. That seems crazy.
I contacted a therapist who specializes in IF stuff courtesy of my dear friend A who has been trying to get me to talk to this person for what is actually now probably years. She is in NY, I am in NH. She does phone consults, praise the gods/goddess/all that is. I do not know what I am looking for. I do know I feel like crap. My therapist here is wonderful, but (and) this is not her specialty. So....
I also decided to do another energy balancing with Elma. I do not care why it works to make me feel better, it just does. I owe myself that.
And I called the doctor yesterday to find out the results of the cytogenetic testing on my miscarriage, and I hope and do not hope that they will call me back. I do not want to know. I do not want to think about it or talk about it or anything. But, on the slim chance it was something I need to know about, I have decided to pretend to be brave and get the report... but I do not want to know the gender, I do not want to reconnect like that right now to what might have been. It is all I can do to read blogs of lovely folks who were cycling near me that month, whose bellies are now big, and whose babies are moving. I do all I can NOT to imagine that that might have been me, if only....
And finally, after looking ahead to september, I decided I do not have to do anything right this moment. I may have to schedule something for work sometime soon, but I do not have to do that right now.
For the rest, I can wait until my period comes or doesn't. I do not have to cancel the art workshop just because it is the one thing I have control over. I do not have to freak out about it. Canceling today or one day before have the same outcome-- so just in case I can go, I want to leave that option open as long as I can. I will buy paints and brushes as if I am going.
Yes folks I feel like crap
but there is this one VERY good thing:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE!!