20 August 2009

plan shmlan

and just
on the OPK pee stick

WTF? I don't meant that loudly, more like a sigh.

Schedule shmedule, I do not even know what this week looks like, I don't know why I am bothering to stress out about September. That seems crazy.

Four decisions:
I contacted a therapist who specializes in IF stuff courtesy of my dear friend A who has been trying to get me to talk to this person for what is actually now probably years. She is in NY, I am in NH. She does phone consults, praise the gods/goddess/all that is. I do not know what I am looking for. I do know I feel like crap. My therapist here is wonderful, but (and) this is not her specialty. So....

I also decided to do another energy balancing with Elma. I do not care why it works to make me feel better, it just does. I owe myself that.

And I called the doctor yesterday to find out the results of the cytogenetic testing on my miscarriage, and I hope and do not hope that they will call me back. I do not want to know. I do not want to think about it or talk about it or anything. But, on the slim chance it was something I need to know about, I have decided to pretend to be brave and get the report... but I do not want to know the gender, I do not want to reconnect like that right now to what might have been. It is all I can do to read blogs of lovely folks who were cycling near me that month, whose bellies are now big, and whose babies are moving. I do all I can NOT to imagine that that might have been me, if only....

And finally, after looking ahead to september, I decided I do not have to do anything right this moment. I may have to schedule something for work sometime soon, but I do not have to do that right now.
For the rest, I can wait until my period comes or doesn't. I do not have to cancel the art workshop just because it is the one thing I have control over. I do not have to freak out about it. Canceling today or one day before have the same outcome-- so just in case I can go, I want to leave that option open as long as I can. I will buy paints and brushes as if I am going.

Yes folks I feel like crap
but there is this one VERY good thing:



Kate said...

It's very very difficult when you encounter those progressing in a pregnancy you lost. It's painful to measure where you should have been by now. I hope you get the results soon enough so you can deal with it soon enough. Anticipation is the worst part. ((hugs))

Michele said...

Energy balancing sounds so nice right now... I hope that it brings you a nice peace...

If I may be blunt... I know that right now you dont want to reconnect to the baby you miscarried, but perhaps you could have the nurse put the gender in an envelope and send it to you, so that, when/if that time comes, you can select a name and hold your child in your heart. I know parents who declined and regretted that decision later. I just dont want you to go through the loss of information on top of the loss.

I find it hard, too, to hear about the babies that were either born around the kids' birthdays or who were due around their EDDs. It's just a constant reminder... I get where you are coming from there 100%.

Sending you big hugs and hope for a positive peestick...

Mad Hatter said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like crap. Good for you for getting in touch with the people and information and care that you feel you need, and for putting scheduling stuff in perspective...Keep breathing, head up, feet moving forward...and yes, buy those paints and brushes! If you don't go, you can have your own art workshop and maybe even post some of your work for us to enjoy!

alyssa said...

you're really brave, kate, to put these pieces in place and then place them on a shelf.

i love you.

Anonymous said...

Kate, Moving to DE is such a big deal. If you'd like, I can send you an essay I wrote about my experience of working through it. I had it posted on my blog for a while, but since I'm planning to publish it elsewhere, I took it down. However, I think it might be something that would support you at this point. If you are interested, email me, and I'll send you a copy.

bb said...

Hi Kate, I think you are very brave to go to a therapist (and just do all this stuff!). I often think I surely, most definitely, need one myself. But then I never do anything about it.

I am sorry for how much this sucks. How much you can't control like those DUMB pee sticks and just the fact that our bodies can NEVER apparently be predicted to do the same thing twice. ahhhh... wish I could change that for us all.

Always thinking of you!

just me, dawn said...

Kate- I am happy that you have some decisions made ((hug)) and sending you good thoughts for all of them. You are a strong woman.

Nic said...

I am so sorry Kate that things are so crap. Cant believe it is CD17 and still only 1 line, so frustrating.
I would call the IF therpist if you think it will help
Take care x

Jenn said...

So sorry you are feeling so crappy though you can join the "I am just over it" club with me!

I love you....and am wishing you some serenity and peace soon!


Anonymous said...

Energy balancing - I would love me some of that. I too wish you peace and serenity - you are amazing.

sprogblogger said...

Ugh. No, make that UGH!

Gender results are the hardest thing - I found it rather comforting last time to know it was a boy, simply because that meant that the results were not from tissue accidentally taken from me. It brought it home, though, and made me grieve all over again. I'd been grieving before for "a child" and after that, I had to grieve for "my son." A totally different grief experience, even though I wanted to know.

You are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry your body (and the damned pee sticks) isn't cooperating. of course, the superstitious and selfish part of me says it's so that you and I can get pregnant in the same month. A dream of twins ought to have some sort of good "it was foretold" meaning! Hang in there, sweetie. Thinking of you.

Illanare said...

Argh. Sorry that everything is soo crappy right now.

Our own "knowing the gender" dilemma was sorted out for us by me wanting to read the report, not having it read to me. And there it was (what was I thinking?!) - "female". But, after the first (and massive) weep, the knowledge gave, and still gives, me peace.

I know it's different for everyone but, if at some point you feel ready to know, it may give you some peace too.