18 August 2009

regret management

still just 1 line
A note from my sweet nurse, Sharon, said the cyst may be wreaking petite havoc with ovulation, that is maybe why the delay-- and it is good to have a "why", a reason, since otherwise I start to wonder about the voracity of my own personal persecution complex.

My heart is feeling shitty still, and last night was a fragile one. Yes, work is hard right now, but I spent a lot of time talking and thinking and really, it is so many other things too that are causing the backdrop feeling of overwhelmedness. It is all of it, not just one thing. The bitch of it is, that there is not much I can do about This without horribly impacting That. And this inability to find a solution is extra hard. I am screwed either way. This, like so much, is about regret management. What will I regret less?

My darlin' and I talked about what's next, since the hourglass feels like it is running fast, and these next few months will move by so quickly. Dartmouth will not cycle with me with my eggs after 43. I imagine they may consent to unmedicated IUIs but otherwise...
So we talked about donor eggs, and I will be in touch with Shady Grove- we will need to finance this no matter what, and they offer the best program in terms of number of chances for the same cost as a single cycle here. I am not ready, I am not. But I will lay the ground work so I will not only know what is likely next, but know what is involved, already know how we might pay for it, know the next steps, and have the folks there know me. My darlin' had a good point, come February, why wait? Let's just move forward.

I just want this to work, internet people, I really do. I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the correct amount of time, give birth to a healthy being, be healthy myself, fall into the day by day, moment to moment learning of a never-before-parent and curse the day I thought this was a good idea... I want ice cream and kites and sidewalk chalk and screaming craziness in the supermarket. I want sugar crashes and ugly plastic toys from neighbors and a teddybear that cannot be washed.

I do not want my little pony, but I will cross that bridge when I must.

Leaves are starting to change color in the swampy spots and on the branches that are broken from last year's storm. It is odd to look out through the august haze and see red maple leaves falling. But I have learned that seasons overlap, that cicadas start to buzz and hum way before I am ready, and that not everything happens when I want it to.


Kate said...

So sorry that you've not yet seen the second line? Will you continue testing for a week or so longer?

Regret Management. Good term. How serious is the choice? What I mean is, would your boss do something drastic if you missed a conference or took a day off to deal with your IF issues?

*hugs* I wish it was easier. I wish it was all just a pinch easier.

I can't wait one day to commiserate with you over losing baby weight, and how tired we are because the baby kept us up all night. I day dream about those moments.

Michele said...

I wish that we could just utter our wishes and they popped into life. I would like nothing more than to read of your BFP and ultrasounds and blues and pinks and finally, 40w later, a nice happy delivery story with pictures of a pink, squirmy baby. I want that for you so much. It pisses me off that everything has to be scheduled and this and that and nothing, NOTHING, the way that any of us thought or planned or hoped. That it is so hard. This community has put me in touch with so many wonderful people and their heartbreak is my heartbreak, too, and I want this for you and for all of us as much as I want it for me during my cycles. I beg for it for you.

So, right now, I am praying for 2 lines the next time you POAS and a groovy ovulation where your dear one's sperm hits up your egg and you make a firework in your womb. I will just keep saying that prayer and crossing my fingers until it happens. Because it will. And you are going to have ice cream and sidewalk chalk and nasty, stinky, unwashed teddy bears that you adore more than anything else you own.

Jenn said...

My sweet friend,

Oh how I wish your ovaries would cooperate with you - Don't they know you are on a tight schedule for goodness sake?

I know the feeling of needing to lay the ground work. A feeling of actually "doing something". It is that overwhelming drive deep inside keeping your teeny tiny hope spark alive.

May all your ground work and diligence end with sleepless nights tending to your little one!

Love ya hon

onwardandsideways said...

ART is numbers game, but it's also a perseverance game, and you've got that in boatloads.

I think you will get to those sleepless nights and sticky fingers... keep your eyes on the prize!

Anonymous said...

i love your last paragraph! it's such a good reminder for me that i don't control things.

...but seriously, what's wrong with my little pony!? ;)

so wishing that things could finally be easier for you...


K said...

Laying ground work is always good. It can NEVER hurt. So good for you. And yes, ART is such a numbers game and perserverance I think, does make your number come up...eventually anyway. So keep playing. And, my little pony is such a has-been. I think you're off the hook for that one. ;)

Mad Hatter said...

You sound so centered and so clear, my dear, even if you don't always feel that way. I have a good feeling about September for you - I do. Sending you positive, ovulatory energy!!!

Anonymous said...

((hugs)) and thinking of you - so, so much.

Grade A said...

Eloquent. As always. I know we can't control everything, but wouldn't it be nice to get a free pass on just a few things? Sending you hopes of clarity and better timing.