17 August 2009

my own inconvenient truths

Surfacing, but still scattered. I am trying to sweep pieces up with my bare hands, and keep having to pick out slivers that make me bleed, leave me bruised. But the month is passing.
I am the kind of bone tired that if I did not know me better, I would worry. I would say: anemia? virus? But I know it is just the weight of things. Time is passing, it will get better.

CD14 and no second line on the OPK yet.

At this point, my next cycle (see my cynicism?), my september cycle will fall exactly wrong for my plan to attend squam art workshops and my need to attend a conference, october will fall exactly wrong for my annual writing trip to maine with my dear friend Tammy...both fun things are already paid for, both are non-refundable.
Each day that slips by moves the whole schedule forward into the "damn it, will I be able to leave the art workshop for an insemination/ET or should I not even go? what the hell will I tell my boss about the conference? in october, will I be able to get ultrasounds and bloodwork in Bangor?
I do not like to think of this whole bullshit ride as one of convenience or inconvenience. It is what it is. It needs to happen. It is not predictable. But it impacts my job every time I need to be somewhere or cannot go somewhere, and this is exactly the wrong time to be saying "no" economically speaking. The un-fun conference is a command performance, I opted out, thought I was off the hook, but my boss opted me back in. To say no, to back out will be a big problem.
But, the biggest but, the but that drives all else: I cannot afford
to skip cycles. I have, at most, 5 left.
I am now officially 42.5. I will play this out until I am 43 with my own eggs. I wish I could win the lottery and go farm eggs in Colorado until we know we have a handful or two of good ones to put back in. But instead we have to just take one cycle at a time, and make the most of each cycle while we can.
This cycle will result most possibly in an IUI these next few days if the surge ever happens. I do not even have a ghost of a second line on those sticks yet. And I never ovulate late-- often I ovulate early. Just going to show that the only thing I can count on in this journey is that whatever I would like, whatever would have been convenient (just this once), it sure as hell will be different than that.


Megan said...

It is EXTREMELY difficult to work and do this. I'm so sorry about the conflicts. I hope it all works out.

Sprogblogger said...

Ugh. Waiting is the worst, and waiting when it feels like you're running out of time is worst than the worst.

You're in my thoughts, and I'm hoping this works out for you NOW so that none of the future planning and re-planning will be necessary.

Michele said...

During my cycles, I felt like my entire life and job was TTC. Everything else took a back seat and had to be rescheduled or figured around and I felt so overwhelmed most days. Like WTF did I win to get to do this while crackwhores could knock themselves up by looking at someone funny. (Sorry, pardon my french, but it pisses me off that so many of us have to work so damn hard for what everyone else takes for granted).

I really hope that you get your line soon and are able to have your IUI (and hopefully a BFP) before your conference or trip to Maine.

Sending big hugs!

Kate said...

I've called in sick and taken so many half days for miscarriage, doctor appointments, and more IF related stuff then I ever thought possible. It sucks but you're not alone. I hope you get the second line. Still reading, and still hoping for you.

IVF 40+ said...

yeah, it is like being in the damn CIA with all the days out and sneaking around!
Thinking of you and sending you love

Anonymous said...

It is so tough to balance all of it - you are amazing and I hope you get that positive OPK soon.

Mad Hatter said...

OH, I so get that last line you wrote...truer words were never spoken. I hope you get your second line and can get on with the show, convenient or not.
Lots of love,

Mad Hatter said...

Hey lady - your comment on my blog inspired a new Haiku, which I then posted after your comment...come by if you want to smile...xo

Illanare said...

Oh Kate, my heart goes out to you. I too am currently trying to avoid committing to a conference in October because it's impossible to plan any way other than last minute.

I'm keeping all possible digits crossed for you for a 2nd line very soon.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate, no further advice to add. Just wanted to say I really hope your line shows up and this cycle is the cycle it all just f'ing works. And that the next few months can just sort themselves out.Hoping, hoping, hoping.

Pundelina said...

Just ((hugs)).

I hate the not-being-able-to-plan-aspect. For the first time in 1 and a half years I am praying not to ovulate on time so I can go to Fiji and do a September cycle upon my return. It's hard to plan living and deal with planning cycling simultaneously.

I really hope you get your lucky egg this month.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Just a thought here. If timing is really bad, can you go on BCP for a week or two and then off again? That is what happened to me this month. Take pills for 14 days, breakthrough bleeding then a new cycle start. Just an idea that may allow you to postpone for a week or two if that works better into the schedule. Don't forget that if you can do IVF the BCP and stims make a cycle more like 35 days instead of 28.

I hate that you have to go through this. I hate OV peesticks. I hate waiting. I hate time ticking...

but I love and cherish you.

I hope this will work. I hope scheduling will be a breeze. I hope for a family at the end of the road.