08 August 2009

fucking august

Ahhhh damn it. How can a broken heart break more?

As you all may already know since I was missing yesterday and am one day behind, dearest Susan at sprogblogger learned that her miraculous FET has ended and she is now in a purgatory between knowing and waiting for monday's D&C. I hate this loss for her, I hate this more than I can possibly say.

As she so rightly said a few days ago when Mo found out her pregnancy had ended-- this is not about fairness or what is right or who deserves what, but holy crap.
Why can't it just work? Miracles keep me going, they make me hopeful, they make me think that THIS IS POSSIBLE. To have something, a positive, a growing pregnancy, a heartbeat, and all of that hope and to have it end-- gosh darn people. NONE of this is for the faint of heart.

I sit here and look at my nephew playing with legos on my rug. This is what we are after, this amazing hopeful thing we do and want, this vote of confidence that the future is worth it.

For all of you who have had and lost, and all of you who are waiting and hoping, for all of you with big beautiful bellies, and for all of you with someone playing legos on your rug,
I celebrate all of you, all of us. The sheer act of wanting is such an amazing act of faith, a manifestation of some trust that the world is worth it, the future is worth it, that this whole thing is worth trying for and fighting for.

11 comments:

Michele said...

You are so right, Kate... It is all worth fighting for. But damn, if it isnt hard. If I dont just wish we could throw up our hands and convince the universe to stop miscarriages and babies dying and all of it. I am still reeling from the recent losses in our community and it hurts, so much. It takes such for us to all get that sweet BFP and then to have it end in loss... My stomach hurts thinking of it. I just wish we all could get through this journey with nothing but joy. No more hurt.

meinsideout said...

My heart is so wounded for them.

Peaches said...

You are so right Kate- thank you once again for saying all the thoughts that are jumbled in my head....

Phoebe said...

It's been a bad week for fellow bloggers for sure. Don't forget Nikki as well.

Eileen said...

Words cannot express how sad I am over their losses. My heart breaks for them because I have been through it multiple times. Why do so many bad things keep happening to good people?

IVF 40+ said...

your words capture exactly how I feel. And I have been thinking of you, dear lovely Kate, since this month is such an emotional marathon for you as it is.
I hope you are finding moments of lightness in all this dark.
EB

Megan said...

It was a difficult week for sure. I hope the coming weeks are better for all of us.

Nic said...

I hope you are right. I hope this wantig is worth it for all of us because it is so bloody painful. My heart breaks everytime I hear of a loss or a failed cycle.

Sarah said...

yes to all of that except....the faith and the trust part doesn't matter. you keep going because you want it to happen, even when every logical part of you can no longer believe it ever will, because wanting it is stronger even than total lack of faith and trust. and you know, that sucks but its okay, because your capacity for faith and trust have absolutely nothing to do with when and whether it ever does work.

Hope said...

Am here from Phoebe's blog, I am so sorry for your and everyone else's heartache on this journey. Why can it not go better for us.

Searching for Serenity said...

Amidst tragedy and sadness, you always manage to remain positive and hopeful. Your spirit glows. THAT is inspiring.