07 August 2009

sadness and protocols

I am still shaken to the core for Mo and Will and their loss. Truly devastated. I put so much hope in success for you all-- I truly do. And I swear, if there were points to be had for tenacity and resilience, goodness gracious, they would win some sort of prize. I cannot imagine it, Cannot and do not want to.

Some of you have asked kindly about the lack of protocol this month, this month of LH surge and IUI. My clinic offered monitoring and triggering if I wanted it (after I asked)-- but the truth seems to be that since I do surge, there is no statistical benefit in triggering. It would only be helpful if I never had a detectable surge. Otherwise, literature says there is a better chance of success with my body doing the work rather than the hCG trigger--
Granted, the odds truly suck either way. But by doing the IUI at least I feel I am doing something to improve the chances over a natural cycle.
I talked to my darlin' about it all since he is discourged too, since even clomid IUIs never worked for us. He will help me decide if we need to do something differently, but to be honest, the papers I read indicated no improvement with triggering for a non--super-ovulatory cycle so I am not feeling compelled.

As I said a few days ago, this month is one of survival, of grief management, of distraction. The TTC thing, while present, is not consuming this month. The lack of injections helps it take a back burner since most days this month, I will "need" to do absolutely nothing-- just wait, just be. And that is too bad really, since I could use it being consuming this time around.

Odd how I bitch about it one month, and long for it the next. Sillykate.

Yeah, August. You may bite me.

8 comments:

Barefoot said...

Aw, Kate...hoping you find something distraction-worthy this cycle. I've always found watching a solid season or two of a good tv show to be very therapeutic. :)

Joannah said...

If it's any consolation, I always had to take a month off between IUIs. I always had a dominate follicle and so I was out of the game. At our age, it's difficult to let another cycle pass by. But, use the time to regroup and get ready for your next attempt.

:-)

onwardandsideways said...

Okay, I'm going to pipe in with some a$$vice: is there anything you can do besides these IUIs, medicated or not? Is IVF a possibility at all? If you stopped spending $ on IUIs, would you have more for IVF or would it help you to save for IVF?

Because I don't understand why at your age your docs are recommending or even supporting your decision to do these.

I of course want them to work for you, don't get me wrong... but I think you need something more aggressive at this point.

If it's because there's no way you can afford IVF, then please slap me and tell me to go away.

But if there's any way you can... I really think you should stop the IUIs. They are statistically not that successful, especially for women in our age bracket (40+.)

Please understand I'm only saying this because I'd love to see you get to success sooner rather than later. The repeated failed cycles DO take a toll. And you may not realize how much until you're out of them. Looking back now, I wish I had done things differently in many ways. By the time we got to DE (not pushing it all, just my own decision), I realized how tired, worn out and fragile I was.

I just want you to protect yourself as you go through this and I have to be honest when I say I am somewhat worried about the repeated failed cycles and what they can do to a woman.

Wishing all the best for you, as always.

Michele said...

It's not silly or odd, Kate. It's the rollercoaster that all of this is. It's a double edged sword.

I know what you mean about being involved with everyone's pregnancies and cycles. I literally cry every time I read of a loss. I find myself teary at the words "failed cycle". It is so heartbreaking when you know what those feelings are like and you know someone else is suffering.

meinsideout said...

((HUGS))

Phoebe said...

I'm so sorry about your last cycle, if I did not comment previously. There was a lot of bad news in a couple of days, Mo and Will's loss being one. I'm glad you are not doing any meds. It will give your ovaries a chance to rest. I understand how every cycle feels like life and death at this age. It truly sucks. Big Hugs!!

kate said...

You were so kind to let us know to support Mo and Will, so I wanted to let you know about Susan at Sprogblogger. Im' not sure if you've had a chance to check her site out, but you may want to do so.... August fucking blows.

IVF 40+ said...

Kate - what is the name of the adoption agency you gave me? Susan (sprogblogger) wants it.
thanks
EB