28 August 2009

things we love for 10 seconds at a time

In my quest to be more present, and to open myself to more joy, I've been trying to spend just 10 seconds really tuning into a moment, a sensation.. and I invited you to come along and try it out.

Here is what you shared:

music- really, really listening to the lyrics, and hearing hope there, and the wonder and power of Yes

imagination-- letting ourselves open to an idea or experience that we can imagine and connect with, one we would like to experience

clouds-- watching them pass slowly overhead

fully experiencing a wonderful sensory bath of yielding cushions, gentle breeze and humming fan

reading something thought and joy provoking (aww thanks!)

breathing, deeply and consciously, slowing down, and being in the moment
and reveling in successes, like really challenging ones of habit breaking...especially those right at our fingertips!

Thank you so much for sharing your ideas and experiences!
See? and what did it cost? 10 seconds. So worthwhile I think. I just hope I remember to do it!

I had a wonderful, healing energy balancing session last night that felt like the right key turned in the right lock and I am much better. I think the trifecta of taking care of myself through the intellectual and emotional side (therapy), the physical side (yoga) and the spiritual side (energy balancing)-- just the very act of doing these things has helped. I feel much less mired.

I have one more big hurdle to pass, one of those shitty anniversaries: September 11th for obvious reasons but also for much more personal reasons-- it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. I just have to remember to keep taking care of myself and reaching out for help and support when I need it. Sometimes being or acting independent and strong is great, but sometimes it is bullshit and alienating, and sometimes it is nice to open myself up to feeling supported.


Remember how I said I was not really expecting success this cycle so the 2 week wait was sort of un-loaded? Still mostly true, but as I move into this sweet spot of potential implantation, I am aware of being aware, I am aware of being watchful, and hopeful, and on sort of an oblique I'm-not-really-peeking lalala symptom watch.
So, yeah, good intentions and all that. But I am not all wrapped up. Yet. Tonight I found myself being bad in a tiny little way (green tea with dinner)-- and realized I am kinda tired of doing all the right things (dhea, yoga, diet, no caffeine, acupuncture...) and having it not work, so apparently I was feeling like cheating just a tiny little bit.

So yes, countdown to the end of August, I will not miss you.
And count up to the next few weeks and overall September craziness.
But for now? For 10 seconds I will watch my darlin' while he's not looking, and just really enjoy being right here, right now.


Megan said...

so glad that August is almost over.

(And I think that a little cheating sometimes is good.)

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for this beautiful reminder to slow down. In our town there is an artist called Nikki McClure (you could google the name to see her work, which I adore) and Liam and I have been reading a book by Cynthia Rylant and illustrated by her called All in a Day. One of the lines is: The past is sailing off to sea, the future's fast asleep./ A day is all you have to be, it's all you get to keep.

I send it to you. The idea that nothing is permanent has been so hard for me. But nothing is. Not the sorrow, not the joy, not the anything in between. We make our days what we will make of them. Mine was better for being reminded to stop and look and listen, even for just a few seconds at a time.

Thank you. Love to you and here's to hoping, hoping.


Anonymous said...

I loved the quote Elizabeth shared!

You sound fabulous and I am all-out hopeful for you.

Mad Hatter said...

Am I ever glad I came for a visit this morning! I love the "I'm-not-peeking-lalala" concept! Sooooo true! And, of course, we all need constant reminding to be present - so strange, isn't it? To be reminded to be where we are rather than where we've been or where we'd like to be? And the quote Elizabeth shared is soooo poetic and beautiful. And it all went along nicely with a lovely song I happened to be listening to on the radio by Justin Rutledge...

Here are his lyrics to The Wire, which are bittersweet and speak to me...(if you like, you can listen to it on http://www.myspace.com/justinrutledge)

Darling its down to the wire
I'm certain we're stalling
I'd die to come sit by the fire but the curtain is calling
If I were a boat I'd sail to where your beauty could blind me
But I am only a wave
I wait for the blue to bind me
Darling its down to the wire
The mercury's rising
The stars are about to retire upon the horizon
If I were a boat I'd name our love after an ocean
But I am only a wave and this is my only motion
I hear them playing our songs in lands where shadows are long
In places we used to be strong they're playing our song
Are you afraid?
Yes, I'm afraid
Are we alone?
Yes, I'm afraid we're alone
Darling its down to the wire
The fire's a forest
I can't tell the chord from the choir
The choir from the chorus
If I were a boat I would anchor my labors inside you
But I am only a wave
I dream but to drown beside you
I hear them playing our song
Wisteria clinging to dawn
In places we used to belong they're playing our song
I hear them playing our song long after the embers are gone
In places our love was all wrong they're playing our song
Are you afraid?
Yes, I'm afraid
Are we alone?
Yes, I'm afraid we're alone


Anonymous said...

i also loved what elizabeth wrote! :)

your insight and skill with writing always make me so jealous!!


Michele said...

I think I will watch my husband for 10s when he isnt looking... ;) Just to enjoy that...

I am sorry about your anniversary. My BFF is going through a divorce that will be finalized on her 9y anniversary in Sept. It's rough. Anything I can do, just email me...

Sending hugs and thoughts that a little cheat here and there isnt a bad thing ;)

Grade A said...

The boy and I recently talked about the dark times we have experienced on this journey. I certainly did not let any light in. Heck, I barely let people in. I know it won't always be easy or necessarily what you really feel like doing, but I laud you for making seeking out the light. There is so much more to you, to life, to your relationships than this constant cycle, but it can be so very hard to see. So glad you are taking care of you.

Elizabeth said...

Hi -- I can't figure out how to reply by normal email, so I'm leaving this in comments: please feel free to use anything on the Liam blog, especially the quote from Cynthia Rylant (which is not even mine) which I also think is so beautiful.

I agree, it's a great pleasure to know you in this strange and half-way way. Chronic illness is isolating and lonely, for the sick person, of course, but also for the family. We don't get out much (at all); we don't have people over besides family (Will's daily mood and health are unreliable); I work 45-50 hours a week and take care of a toddler basically on my own for the other hours. I'm not complaining, really, it's a life that holds great joy -- but it doesn't have room for many connections with other women right now, so I've enjoyed this space immensely. Thank you. Love,

Nic said...

Pleased that your sessions are helping you. Not long till the end of August. Will be thinking of you on the 11th September. Hope you get through it ok.
4 injections down, I only have 2 more to go!! Sadly side effects are in full swing. Not long now though.
Take care
Nic x

Billy said...

Loved reading your previous post :-) [I think I would put down watching birds and listening to them sing.

Happy to hear you are feeling better. It's good that you take care of yourself.

K said...

I really enjoy the last 10 seconds of a sunset. You can watch the sun slowly drop behind whatever it goes behind...and then just like "poof" - it's gone. Kinda powerful stuff in a weird way.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I was buried in work and am late in telling you my 10 seconds, but here were the few I squeezed in.

The windchimes from my wedding singing in the breeze to me.

Home made tomato soup, sip by sip.

A warm sweetie's skin under my hand while gently caressing.